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Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: 7 ways to be happily single

7 ways to be happily singleFull disclosure: I absolutely believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Not a “I’ll settle” person, not a “that’s who is left so they’ll do” or a “that’s the best I can do” or “it’s better than being alone” person. But Mister or Ms. Right. Mister or Ms, Perfect Fit. Call me totally sentimental and a hopeless romantic but I believe this absolutely completely true. There is someone for everyone. Every teapot has its lid. They may be a long time making themselves known but they are out there.

So, if you have been working through this series you have had the cleanest and most compassionate breakup you can, you have processed the emotions that came with that and you are ready for the next chapter:

1.  Single can be a lot of fun. No-one stealing the duvet or leaving wet towels on the floor or hogging the remote. You get to have life your way, all the time. It’s actually pretty damn liberating. You get back in touch with what your preferences really are when you are not compromising or bending them to fit around someone else. Very good for the soul. Very, very good. Once you get over the shock of the breakup it can actually be the most delicious feeling of freedom.

2.  It’s a great time to reassess what you want from life and to focus on YOU. Reassess your goals and dreams. Download the free How to be a Time Ninja booklet and get a handle on that clarity right now.

3.  New You. New Chapter. New Look. Cant emphasise enough how helpful and healing it is in the newly single phase to have a massive clear-out and de-clutter. Out with the old and in with the new. Not just the house either, get a new haircut, some new threads, give yourself a mini-makeover. You look better: you feel better. Fact.

4.  Put your “Brave Wings” on. Get out there. Apparently over a third of people meet their new partner online. But that still leaves a huge amount who meet offline in the traditional boy meets girl in bar scenario. Or the longing glances over the photocopier at work. Getting out and about by strapping your “Brave wings” firmly on is scary but when the time is right don’t hesitate. Expanding your social circle. Being open the new experiences. Get out and about.

5.  Open energy. Can’t emhasise this enough. One thing I know for sure is that when you evaluate every first date on the “will they walk down the aisle/have children” criteria before the coffee cup is even emptied on Date One then it’s a recipe for failure. It somehow pushes needy energy out out, which pushes away the thing we really want. Try and just focus on the conversation, having fun, and letting things unfold naturally rather than coming from a place of trying to force something into a particular direction. It’s an energy thing. The Universe will send you Mister or Ms. Right when you are in an energetic state of abundance around love, intimacy and companionship.

6.   Don’t get stuck in “why not me?” energy. You know the thing, when you are single and all you seem to see is couples in café’s holding hands. Every bit of post is a wedding invitation. It’s very, very easy, and I speak from experience, to get sucked into “poor me” and “why not me?” and to take every sight of loving coupled -upness as confirmation of how unloved and alone we are. Please try and flip the filter and see those loving couples not as a reinforcement of your aloneness but as EVIDENCE that true love exists, everywhere! That love is literally all around. That you can tap into it. That it’s abundant and available.

7.   Know when it’s right and know when it’s wrong. Next weeks post all about knowing when its right. When you have found “The One”. For this week though be mindful not to settle when it’s wrong. You know when it’s wrong. You don’t need me to tell you. You can feel it. You know it. You cab feel it in your gut and your heart. So don’t let words in your head whispering “lonely” and “left on the shelf” override the good sense and truth you can feel deep down. Keep the faith. Choose you.

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Part Three: Should you stay friends after?

positive balance, Louise Thompson, wellbeing, life coach,

Categories
Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: should you stay friends after?

should you stay friends after?This is a juicy one, no? Lots of arguments for and against. In essence of course it depends on the individual dynamic involved, and also, if you have children together where it’s less of a choice and more of a necessity. On balance if you don’t have kids I tend to come down on the side of “no contact”.  Here’s why:

1.  It’s harder to move on when you stay in contact.

I see so many clients who are stuck from moving into the glorious future that awaits them because they can’t bear to completely let go. Basically, the longer contact is drawn out the more the misery is prolonged. It’s like waxing. If the beautician peeled the wax strip of a few millimeters at the time it would be prolonged agony before you get defuzzed. But no, she whips that strip off in one swift decisive snap. Yes it smarts and the eyes water but, it’s all over in a few moments. If there is going to be pain, and in a breakup that’s kinda inevitable, it can either be dragged out or short and sharp.

2.  Do not try and get over them by getting under them.

You know what I am saying! Break-Up sex is very, very rarely a good idea.

3.   When you stay in contact you can be energetically “blocking” the relationship space in your life from someone new.

Not good. Opening up that space with clean clear energy makes it much more likely that you will subsequently attract Mr. or Ms. Right. Fact. Open up the space for something better.

4.  The whole “lets just be friends” thing.

You know sometimes ”Let’s just be friends” can often be offered as come sort of consolation prize. It’s just a way of assuaging guilt over the breakup, either yours or theirs. You know what: don’t you already have enough friends? You didn’t get into the relationship to be friends did you? It was a romantic relationship, so if it’s not that any longer then do you want some sort of consolation prize? You deserve more than that sugar.

5.  Staying friends can be really painful if they move on quicker than they do.

If you see the new girlfriend/boyfriend, or they go on to marry the next person they date, or you are seeing all the fabulous stuff they are up to in Facebook. It’s becomes a mechanism to keep triggering pain. Much better not to surely?

When there are kiddies involved its clearly much more complicated. Things to think about:

1.  Can you keep contact polite yet transactional?

Take the emotion out. Keep it to times for drop off and pick up and so on. One couple I know have a note book that gets handed back and forth with their son. In the book they write details on his sleep, eating and so on. It means they can be consistent with their parenting boundaries (no sweets before dinner) but not have to have endless back and forth conversations. It keeps it transactional but ensures their child gets the most consistent parenting their situation allows.
 
2.  Get the tricky stuff done through a third party.

Let a lawyer take care of the tough conversations so you can make the day to day as workable as possible.

3.  Get the important stuff in writing.

Payments to be made to what account, for how much and when. Who is paying for the school uniforms etc.  It’s much easier to do this thoroughly once (subject to periodic review) than fight every battle on an ‘as and when’ basis. Set your boundaries and re-enforce them on a consistent basis.

4.  Obviously you know this one, you put the needs of the kids first.

Keep it as clean as you can. And drop the guilt, you are doing the best you can for them in a difficult situation. Guilt does not enhance what is already tricky, so let it go. You are doing your best honey, that’s all anyone can ask. Use that emotional energy for good instead.
So, ultimately this is a really mixed question. To stay in contact or not? I have a number of clients who have a great relationship with their ex, and they are still a part of their lives. I have many, many more who wish they broke off contact many years previously because that continued contact has held them back and ultimately caused them so much more pain. And I have many parents doing their best to manage the juggle of children between them with good grace and good humour. None of these options is easy! Choosing to do what feels clean and healthy for you is the way to go. It’s about what’s healthy for YOU (if there are no kids involved). If you don’t want to stay friends, don’t. Wish each other well, make some subtle shifts to your social circle and don’t look back.

Need a recap of the series so far?  Here you go;

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Next Week: 7 ways to be happily single

What do you think?  Please comment, sharing really is caring, over on Facebook.  I LOVE your comments!!!

positive balance, Louise Thompson, wellbeing, life coach,

Categories
Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you


1.  Lordy this can be very hard, especially if it comes totally out of the blue.

I am so sorry honey-child. I just want you to know though that you are far better out of a relationship if the other person doesn’t actually want to be in it with you. The fact of the matter is, they had a choice: they could have chosen you, but …they didn’t. They didn’t choose you. It’s hard I know but that is the truth. So, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t choose you? Would you put up with that in a regular friendship? Someone who would rather be on their own or with another friend than you? Hell no. So, accept that a choice has been made, you don’t need to agree with it, but you do need to accept it. They could have chosen you, but, they didn’t. Tough, but true. Acceptance is the first step forward in terms of moving on.

2.  Beware the passive aggressive breakup.

When the other person withdraws or acts in such a way that they almost force you to break up with them because they haven’t got the guts to do it themselves, you can feel it happening. If someone is too cowardly to actually own their own feelings and break up with you then they are not worthy of you! Not worthy do you hear me! Recognise when you are being broken up with without them actually doing the deed. Realise you don’t want to be with someone that weak. Be brave, do the deed and move on.

3.  Happily Single is FAR better than unhappily coupled up.

Please don’t be scared to be “on your own”. You can create a full and fun life and fill it with what suits and pleases you, much much better than slogging on in a relationship you (or they) know is wrong. A period of time on your own can actually be very healthy, empowering and above all clarifying. You get to figure out what you really need, want and desire. What’s essential, what’s negotiable. Pleeeeeease don’t try to stay with someone who treats you badly because you are too scared to go solo for a while.

4.  Someone breaking up with you might be a good thing in disguise.

You won’t be able to see it now but later, down the track, maybe years hence, you might be able to see that it was the right thing. That if it hadn’t happened you wouldn’t be the person you are with the situation you have today. I know this is almost impossible to see when you are in it. But, trust me, it’s the truth. There is a whole post on just this right here: This shouldn’t be happening to me.

5.  We can’t always be saved from a broken heart.

I know it all started so well, with so much promise, but…sometimes feelings do change. It’s a very, very hard part of life but it is life. The fact they have been honest enough to tell you is huge. Would you rather someone was with you faking their feelings? Of course not, right? You deserve better than that, and so do they. Having a broken heart, it seems to me, is a right of passage for us all. It’s a part of a life where we pursue love and we take risks. That’s what makes life the adventure it is. Please don’t get stuck in a victim type mentality. The only person that damages is yourself. I did this once, and wow, well it worked a treat in terms of getting me much sympathy and attention but it sure also kept me really stuck in that story which made it so much harder for me to move on. I am so not proud of that victim-y period of my life. The way out of a broken heart is through cry and scream, let the emotion out, until you reach the point you have no tears left. Then take this as your cue to move on and create a better future. Staying stuck in the role of victim, however badly you may have been treated, does you no favours at all. Do not let this difficult episode in your life define your future.

6.  Throw your energy FORWARDS.

Whatever feels like fun or release for you, do that. Get your friends around you. Go do some fun activities together. Take a few classes. Try something new. Learn something you have always wanted to learn. Mix with some new people. Accept random invitations.  Bring fun and new energy into your life.  I had a client who was stringing out the divorce from her faithless husband because “it’s fun to torment him”. I understand the need for revenge honey I honestly do, but it’s that old adage about it being like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are the one steeped in that toxic energy. Getting stuck in that revenge story is pouring toxic energy into your life and the only person that affects is YOU. It keeps you trapped in the story and energy of the past. Go find something that is truly fun in the now, whether that’s learning to salsa or taking the kids kayaking.  Get the paperwork done sure. Ensure your rights are being well represented by a professional. Then get clean with your energy and start projecting it forwards.

7.  There is something sparkelicious waiting for you.

A shiny new future. Trust in that. It’s all going to be absolutely okay. I promise.

In case you missed PART 1: 7 essentials to think about when you think you might want to break up with them

Next week: do you stay friends after the break-up? A classic conundrum!  Please do feel free to forward share this article with someone who needs a little inspiration on this topic right now! Make sure you are in the loop for the rest of the series by signing up for “Wellbeing Wednesday” direct to your inbox right here.

Have a delicious week, come join the conversation with me on Facebook. Love you to share the love so please do share this post if it was food for thought for you!

positive balance, Louise Thompson, wellbeing, life coach,

Categories
Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: a six part series!

How not to let the break up break you: a six part series!I get a lot of questions about how to best tackle various relationship situations. So, what can I say? I’m here to help and your wish is my command! Here is a wee six part series for you on romantic relationships. One a week for the next six weeks. Do feel free to forward them on to whoever they may help/comfort/inspire right now!

Okay so here we go, the series looks like this:

  • Part one: How not to let the break up break you! – You break up with them
  • Part two: How not to let the break up break you! – They break up with you
  • Part three: How not to let the break up break you! – Do you stay friends after?
  • Part four: How to be happily single.
  • Part five: How to attract your perfect partner.
  • Part six: Top tips to live happily ever after.

 

Part One: How not to let the break up break you!  7 essentials to think about when you think you might want to break up with them:

 

1.  Know then to quit.

Just because you have invested a lot of time/effort/energy into a relationship don’t stay if it’s wrong just because the thought of starting again after investing so much is too hard to bear. It’s a toughie but being able to be brave and not “throw good money after bad” with your time and end it even when you have given or sacrificed a lot is hard, but, if you know it deep down, it’s right, then it’s right. Don’t drag out the inevitable. It serves no-one.

2.  Know thyself.

Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s only in Jerry Maguire that someone “completes you”. In reality we complete ourselves and our loved one is the perfect complement to that, as we are to them. He/She can’t “make you happy”, it’s not their job: it’s yours! Take a moment to reflect on what you are missing in your life. Is it stuff you can actually give to yourself or get from elsewhere? Maybe the problem, quite literally, is not them: it’s you.

3.  Beware the person who think you complete them!

When someone relies on you to be the complete provider of their happiness this is a red flag. You can’t “make” someone happy, you can love them, support them, encourage them, inspire them, lift them, honour them, but you can’t “make” them “be” anything. That’s their responsibility. This can also be quite needy, stalky, energy which you are much better away from.

4. Try consistently and lovingly  –  but not too hard. There is a very delicate balance to be found between putting consistent effort and focus into your relationship to allow it to thrive and putting too much in. If it really it’s very hard work on a continual basis maybe it’s just not right? True love feels easy and effortless most of the time, it’s a delicious state of flow. Life might be hard but love isn’t hard. When you are trying to force it it’s not fun.

5.  You can’t change someone else only change yourself and perhaps inspire change in those around you.

If you are in the relationship because you are waiting to be with the new and improved version of the person you are with rather than who they actually are today you are storing up a heap of heartache. I have to admit I have been guilty of this one myself. “He just needs to stop being so XXXX and he will be the most amazing man, everything will be so much easier”.  I dated the man I wanted them to be, not the man that they were. Stupid! How hard is it to make lasting change in yourself? Exactly. So expecting that in another person is a recipe for disappointment especially if you are making that change a prerequisite for your happiness.

6. Break-Ups HAPPEN. Hearts get broken.

It’s a sad but inevitable part of life. You can’t save someone from a broken heart. Again, it’s not actually your responsibility. At some point in life we all experience the widest range of emotional reality, we all get our hearts broken and you can’t save someone from that. Nor, perhaps, should you. It’s part of their journey. Yes they might well be hurt or in deep pain. You can’t save them from that. What you CAN do however is speak your truth with compassion. You can deal with the breakup in the most loving way you can. You can deal with it face to face in an appropriate setting. You can be clear and clean in your energy and not drag it out or give false hope. You can give them the space and distance they need to recover and get themselves back on track. You can be grownup and generous with financial or property issues. You can make it about YOU, not them. You can own your feelings (or lack thereof) and know that it’s okay to have them, however inconvenient they are. You can’t control their reaction. That is theirs. You can handle it with maximum compassion, sensitivity and integrity. Wish them well and let them move on.

7.  Recovery time and Karma.

Even in a clean break up it’s interesting to see that the person who is often the slowest to recover is the breakup-er, rather than the breakup-ee. The breakup-ee is in much more intense pain initially but them they often seem to move through it more quickly.  They come out the other side and move on faster, reconstructing their lives into a much better version. The breakup-er however can hang onto feelings of guilt about causing the pain for a much longer time and take a lot longer to get over it. If you have been a shit and handled the breakup like a shit them perhaps that a good old dose of karma right there, but if you have handled the breakup with compassion and integrity then please try and let go of some of the guilt you carry. You can’t blame yourself for not feeling a certain thing or way forever. Learn the lessons you need, take time to reflect and grieve. But then wish yourself well and let yourself move on.

Next week: Key thought strategies not to let the break up break you when when they break up with you! Please do feel free to forward share this article with someone who needs a little inspiration on this topic right now! Make sure you are in the loop for the rest of the series by signing up for “Wellbeing Wednesday” direct to your inbox right here.

Have a delicious week, come join the conversation with me on Facebook. Love you to share the love and share this post if it was food for thought for you!

Louise Thompson | Life Coach, Writer, Speaker

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