I get a lot of questions about how to best tackle various relationship situations. So, what can I say? I’m here to help and your wish is my command! Here is a wee six part series for you on romantic relationships. One a week for the next six weeks. Do feel free to forward them on to whoever they may help/comfort/inspire right now!
Okay so here we go, the series looks like this:
- Part one: How not to let the break up break you! – You break up with them
- Part two: How not to let the break up break you! – They break up with you
- Part three: How not to let the break up break you! – Do you stay friends after?
- Part four: How to be happily single.
- Part five: How to attract your perfect partner.
- Part six: Top tips to live happily ever after.
Part One: How not to let the break up break you! 7 essentials to think about when you think you might want to break up with them:
1. Know then to quit.
Just because you have invested a lot of time/effort/energy into a relationship don’t stay if it’s wrong just because the thought of starting again after investing so much is too hard to bear. It’s a toughie but being able to be brave and not “throw good money after bad” with your time and end it even when you have given or sacrificed a lot is hard, but, if you know it deep down, it’s right, then it’s right. Don’t drag out the inevitable. It serves no-one.
2. Know thyself.
Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s only in Jerry Maguire that someone “completes you”. In reality we complete ourselves and our loved one is the perfect complement to that, as we are to them. He/She can’t “make you happy”, it’s not their job: it’s yours! Take a moment to reflect on what you are missing in your life. Is it stuff you can actually give to yourself or get from elsewhere? Maybe the problem, quite literally, is not them: it’s you.
3. Beware the person who think you complete them!
When someone relies on you to be the complete provider of their happiness this is a red flag. You can’t “make” someone happy, you can love them, support them, encourage them, inspire them, lift them, honour them, but you can’t “make” them “be” anything. That’s their responsibility. This can also be quite needy, stalky, energy which you are much better away from.
4. Try consistently and lovingly – but not too hard. There is a very delicate balance to be found between putting consistent effort and focus into your relationship to allow it to thrive and putting too much in. If it really it’s very hard work on a continual basis maybe it’s just not right? True love feels easy and effortless most of the time, it’s a delicious state of flow. Life might be hard but love isn’t hard. When you are trying to force it it’s not fun.
5. You can’t change someone else only change yourself and perhaps inspire change in those around you.
If you are in the relationship because you are waiting to be with the new and improved version of the person you are with rather than who they actually are today you are storing up a heap of heartache. I have to admit I have been guilty of this one myself. “He just needs to stop being so XXXX and he will be the most amazing man, everything will be so much easier”. I dated the man I wanted them to be, not the man that they were. Stupid! How hard is it to make lasting change in yourself? Exactly. So expecting that in another person is a recipe for disappointment especially if you are making that change a prerequisite for your happiness.
6. Break-Ups HAPPEN. Hearts get broken.
It’s a sad but inevitable part of life. You can’t save someone from a broken heart. Again, it’s not actually your responsibility. At some point in life we all experience the widest range of emotional reality, we all get our hearts broken and you can’t save someone from that. Nor, perhaps, should you. It’s part of their journey. Yes they might well be hurt or in deep pain. You can’t save them from that. What you CAN do however is speak your truth with compassion. You can deal with the breakup in the most loving way you can. You can deal with it face to face in an appropriate setting. You can be clear and clean in your energy and not drag it out or give false hope. You can give them the space and distance they need to recover and get themselves back on track. You can be grownup and generous with financial or property issues. You can make it about YOU, not them. You can own your feelings (or lack thereof) and know that it’s okay to have them, however inconvenient they are. You can’t control their reaction. That is theirs. You can handle it with maximum compassion, sensitivity and integrity. Wish them well and let them move on.
7. Recovery time and Karma.
Even in a clean break up it’s interesting to see that the person who is often the slowest to recover is the breakup-er, rather than the breakup-ee. The breakup-ee is in much more intense pain initially but them they often seem to move through it more quickly. They come out the other side and move on faster, reconstructing their lives into a much better version. The breakup-er however can hang onto feelings of guilt about causing the pain for a much longer time and take a lot longer to get over it. If you have been a shit and handled the breakup like a shit them perhaps that a good old dose of karma right there, but if you have handled the breakup with compassion and integrity then please try and let go of some of the guilt you carry. You can’t blame yourself for not feeling a certain thing or way forever. Learn the lessons you need, take time to reflect and grieve. But then wish yourself well and let yourself move on.
Next week: Key thought strategies not to let the break up break you when when they break up with you! Please do feel free to forward share this article with someone who needs a little inspiration on this topic right now! Make sure you are in the loop for the rest of the series by signing up for “Wellbeing Wednesday” direct to your inbox right here.
Have a delicious week, come join the conversation with me on Facebook. Love you to share the love and share this post if it was food for thought for you!