Category: Relationships

Getting other people to make change

Post author By Support Elf
Post date July 19, 2022
No Comments on Getting other people to make change

Something that comes up ALL THE TIME in my coaching sessions today, thoughts on how life would be A LOT easier if….etc…

Life would be a LOT easier if only other people (boss/partner/sister/ex) changed what they were doing/saying so it suited us better or was (what we perceived to be) better for them.

If other people were more reliable/fun/on to it/organised/truthful/adult/well intentioned/thoughtful, our lives (and potentially theirs) would be SO MUCH EASIER!

However….

Giving up the illusion that other people could/should/will change to suit us is a huge personal growth milestone.

People will never change unless THEY want to.

Even then it might not be consistent or lasting.

People will not change unless they want to and are READY to.

You can try and cajole, beg, guilt, shame, plead…use logic, use emotion, but until it’s what they want and are ready for it’s not going to happen. It will be their timetable, not yours.

They will be ready when they are ready.

(Which might be NEVER)

Change is hard – it requires choice and commitment.

Parking the need for others to be different in order for us to be happy is HUGE

It allows us to put that wasted energy where it can make a genuine difference

The ONLY place we can truly effect change

Changing ourselves

P.S. Ready to make some first steps towards supported change where you can make change the most easily? Well then, I have your back! Here are three ways to work with me:

Book: Start using the 16 easy-to-implement mental and emotional health tips from my newest (super pretty, super effective) book, 101 Self Care Ideas.

Course: Dive into this short course and get your mind on what matters most…feel different inside and out in just 2 weeks, 14 Day Real Self-Care Kickstart.

Academy: My absolute number one recommendation is to join Wellbeing Warriors – there are so many modules in there to help you get unstuck. You will be so empowered with the immense personal insight you gain into yourself in the Coaching Academy that you will drop the desire to change others and relish the amazing change you are affecting in your own mental and physical health instead. It will change things for you more than you can ever imagine.

Tags 2022, feeling states, self care, self care sunday

2022 Communication Relationships

Just how annoying is the “You should just…” when you share something

Post author By Support Elf
Post date June 27, 2022
No Comments on Just how annoying is the “You should just…” when you share something

Last week I observed someone who was sharing (with a certain amount of bravery I might add) the details of a breakup with a friend (sister?) in a cafe. They were met with a disappointing lack of empathy and a heap of really unhelpful “advice” they so clearly were SO not ready for.

It was hard to hear! This is what I would have liked the friend/sister to have known…

Just how annoying the “You should just…” is when you share something that is troubling you ?

Some of the time we are just venting or processing out loud and not looking for input or solutions. Having a solution rammed down our throat and our hurt invalidated does NOT feel good and it not helpful ?

We can all get better at this and model helpful behaviour so we have more chance of getting it in return later.

?‍♀️ “That sounds hard. Tell me more”

?‍♀️ “That sounds really tough. Do you want to bounce possible solutions or do you just need to vent right now? What do you need? I’m listening”.

?‍♀️ ”I haven’t been in your shoes on this but I’d love to help you. What do you need most right now?”

If someone is ASKING for your input and advice – give it! That fresh perspective can be SO helpful. But…listen closely before you jump in…ARE they asking for it yet?! ?‍♀️ Maybe the most helpful thing you can do in this moment is listen really closely and offer a shoulder.

If you are not sure if it’s time to offer possible solutions – just ASK! It’s hard to see someone we care about suffering, but timing is everything. You may have the perfect solution if perspective but they need to be READY to HEAR it!

Also, bear in mind…you can only ever know a small slice of what’s really going on for them. Even if you feel you have been directly in their shoes, YOU HAVEN’T!

So BE KIND ?

And if you are on the receiving end, don’t be be afraid to ask for what you need – people welcome clarity (even if that clarity is telling them to button it!) Listen to what’s helpful but only take what resonates.

Only YOU know what it’s like to BE YOU in the situation you are in. Take that support but also trust hard in your own intuition to know what’s right for you ?

Tags 2022, flexible thinking, Relationships, self care sunday

2020 2021 Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Relationships

It’s the most wonderfully dramatic time of the year!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date December 22, 2020
No Comments on It’s the most wonderfully dramatic time of the year!

Let’s talk Christmas Drama!

Christmas can be such a trigger as it thrusts people who are used to having their OWN say and OWN space together into a confined space, add in a heap of OLD dynamics (and alcohol!) and old expectations on behaviour and authority and you can get a really explosive mix!

Social conventions that usually apply between friends/ acquaintances/ colleagues often don’t apply in the same way with family so that restraint of social convention doesn’t hold as much water as it does in other situations where things would just not get said and tongues would temporarily get bitten to keep the peace.

This quote today I think is a really nice way of rising above.

We simply DON’T have to attend every argument we are invited to.

We can let other people play out their thing and choose not to get dragged in. To simply say “I’ve heard you” but then not follow them down the rabbit hole. For the few days of festive celebration, this can be a really liberating approach. Basically what happens is because you withdraw your energy from the complaint/argument it’s like a fire starved of oxygen: it will go out.

You become NO FUN to play that old argument/complaint dance with – and so – that person will go seek it elsewhere.

Remember – it’s YOUR energy and focus – YOU get to decide where it goes. You can decide to fuel the fire or starve it.

You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.

Isn’t that good to know?

Tags 2020, challenging beliefs, Christmas, Happiness, Relationships

Emotional Honesty Post Lockdown Relationships Self belief Self Care and Self Love

Is someone being mean to you? I won’t have that!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date October 20, 2020
No Comments on Is someone being mean to you? I won’t have that!

Why does this person keep upsetting me?

Does someone in your life keep upsetting you? It happens to the best of us, and I am afraid to say that experiencing pain and hurt is part of the human experience for us all. However – there are things we can do – and I believe that starts with us asking ourselves the right question.

It could be a friend who repeatedly cancels your plans.
A colleague who doesn’t pull their weight.
A partner who repeatedly talks over you.
A family member who cuts you down time and time again.

It can become a repetitive pattern of hurt in the fabric of your life.

And what are we likely to do? We keep questioning “Why does that person keep hurting me?” They can see it hurts me, why do they keep doing or saying that thing? Can’t they see how much it is hurting me? We wonder “How can they do or say that thing?” We turn these questions over and over in our minds.

And nothing changes. We keep feeling hurt and we wonder why they continue to do it.

Here’s the thing. We are asking ourselves the wrong question. The question isn’t “Why does that person keep hurting me?” The real question is “Why do I keep letting them?”

When we change the question and bring the power back to ourselves by directing it at ourselves, “I”, not the hurtful person in question, we can start getting some answers that will actually help.

“Why do I keep letting them hurt me?” leads to self-awareness. It could be “Because I don’t tell her it offends me when she cancels “ to “I take on the extra work because I am too scared to confront the issue” to “I’m scared she will leave me if I speak up” to “He’s always talked down to me, since I was a child, and we’ve never reset the boundaries of our communication now I am an adult because I am too scared to rock the boat”.

The reason we keep letting people hurt us is usually fear. Fear that we can’t handle the reaction of the other person if we speak our minds. Fear that they won’t approve or agree.

Fear that we simply can’t handle confrontation.

Fear that we won’t be seen as a “good” or accommodating person.

So, to avoid that fear we keep letting them hurt us.

But…it can be another way. We can act from self-love and respect, not fear. We can choose to not allow ourselves to be hurt on an ongoing basis. We can choose to speak up and cope with whatever the reaction is. We can choose to distance ourselves from that person or relationship for a time. We can choose to place our thoughts elsewhere rather than dwell on why the person that hurt us should be different. We can take our time, our energy, and our focus and place it where it doesn’t hurt.

Taking our emphasis from how we want the other person to change in thought, word, or deed to what we can change in ourselves reduces suffering and pain. It’s the fastest route to stop feeling upset. When someone keeps upsetting you – start by asking the right question.

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In this article I am talking about emotional hurt: if someone is physically hurting you please get immediate help from the police or a domestic abuse organisation in your area/country. Lx

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Tags emotional honesty, post lockdown, Relationships, self care

2020 Communication Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships

4 phrases to use instead of “I’m fine” (when you’re not)

Post author By Support Elf
Post date May 26, 2020
No Comments on 4 phrases to use instead of “I’m fine” (when you’re not)

4 phrases to have better relationships in your life, both at home and at work

Relationships can be so full of drama, at home, at work, at the school gates, with family and friends. Sometimes relationships can really drift without us knowing or we can be unsure where we really stand.

It’s also frighteningly easy for relationships to get stuck in a rut, just ticking along, with a liberal smattering of “I’m fine”, functional exchanges of “Have you unloaded the dishwasher yet” and thinking (but not saying) “I cannot believe I have to ask you to do that again”.

By consciously opening up positive lines of communication we can change so much with just a few simple words. Here are 4 simple phrases that you can use at home, and at work, to get some ease and flow back. Think of these as an easy injection of oil in the wheels of the relationship:

I really appreciate that you…

It can be so easy to always be picking at the negatives: no one is perfect after all. Yes, it would be easier if everyone did everything our way all the time, but that’s not reality! Refocusing ourselves to look for the positive and actually verbalising it can make an enormous difference to how both parties feel. It’s easy for other people to feel they are being taken for granted, but showing what you DO appreciate (rather than what you don’t) you reward that behaviour so you are more likely to see more of it in future.

Is there something you’d like me to change or do more or less of?

Being open to constructive feedback ourselves shows we are willing to change and willing to compromise, or at the least open to having a discussion about it. It shows we know we are not perfect, and we value the other person’s thoughts. We don’t have to take all their suggestions on board, but it does open the lines of communication to what is often astonishingly revelatory. There can be small things we do that drive other people absolutely kerazeee that we would be more than happy to alter once we know about it.

I’d love to learn…. can you show me?

Being open to learning and being teachable breaks down communication barriers in an instant. It demonstrates that we recognise someone else’s skill and nothing is more flattering than being asked to teach someone else our tricks.

You know what you are awesome at….

Using genuine compliments is an incredibly powerful way of changing up the energy and intention in a relationship. Compliments are gifts of words, and it’s the equivalent of a verbal bouquet. Sometimes we can get so stuck in the day to day that we stop seeing how amazing that colleague/partner/sister is. Flowers mean a lot when they are delivered on a birthday or anniversary, but they mean even more when they are a random bouquet “just because you deserve it/I was thinking about you/I wanted to make you smile because you are special to me”. Compliments make a big impact in the ease of a relationship, and…they are free: use liberally!

These 4 phrases will work like oil to grease the engines in your relationships – try and use at least 2 today.

Tags 2020, being present, Happiness, Relationships

2020 Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships Summer

5 ways to know a TRUE friend…

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 14, 2020
No Comments on 5 ways to know a TRUE friend…

A good friend will not just tell you that it’s all going to be fine. Because sometimes it’s just not.

A good friend will turn up with cold wine and her best snacks and say that it’s not going to be fine, that it will be hard, but you will get through it.

A good friend will cancel her plans, cajole you to put your trainers on and get you running or walking that trail.

She knows it won’t fix or mend it, but that fresh air and movement will help in a subtle way.

A good friend will know that sometimes there are no words that will fix it, or make it better, but a gentle presence is reassuring in the darkness.

A good friend will check in and see how you are doing, even when there is nothing new to say.

Sometimes it’s not all going to be fine. And having someone say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” makes you want to kill them as they inadvertently invalidate your loss.

Sometimes a platitude won’t cut it.

But words of wisdom won’t either.

Sometimes it’s just hard. The only way out is through. And a good friend will walk it with you.

That the greatest thing they can do for you is to know they cannot heal it for you, but that you will not face it alone.

I hope you have not just one, but a good strong handful of these people in your life.

Hold onto and treasure those people like gold.

Tags 2020, being present, Friendship, Happiness

Emotional Honesty Energy Boosters Live Happy Inspiration Relationships

Cruel Yule – when Christmas kicks your ass

Post author By Support Elf
Post date December 3, 2019
No Comments on Cruel Yule – when Christmas kicks your ass

Not too soon to start talking Christmas Lunch is it, my lovelies? My tree is already up so I reckon it’s fair game.

It’s got political over the years has Christmas Lunch. Who is hosting. Where. What’s to be eaten. Arrival times. Gift expectations. Who is doing the washing up. How soon is it impolite to leave. And I was going to write about that – but then I thought…y’know…you are smart people…you can figure that out. There will be a million bits of advice on how to delegate and bring a plate and whatnot.

Let’s talk about something else that probably won’t be covered: loss at Christmas.

Christmas is generally the most joyful time of year, but for someone going through a hard time it’s hands down the bleakest.

There is something unbelievably emotionally polarising about the festive season. There is nothing like being expected to be happy and jolly to focus the mind on what has been lost.

It is a cruel truth at Yule that for each person bemoaning how many presents they have to buy or wrap, someone else would dearly love to have that special someone to buy for. And, for everyone that loves it – from tinsel to turkey – there is someone who simply can’t wait for it to be over.

Family circumstances change all the time. Death, separation, divorce, estrangement, addiction, depression, emigration. When a season is all about family this can be hard. When you are used to being in the bosom of a family and then find you are suddenly but effectively childless and family-less after drop-off on Christmas Eve, it can be utterly discombobulating, post-divorce. When you are used to Dad cooking his special festive BBQ and he is suddenly not there your whole world is rocked to its core.

If you are in a good place this Christmas then all power to you! Squeeze every ounce of joy from it! But also, take just moment’s pause from the prep. Look up. Listen up. Is there anyone who might benefit from joining you? Someone feeling lonely, displaced, unwelcome? Or is there anyone in your circle you want to check in with and check they are doing okay?

If the thought of Christmas is incredibly confronting for your personal circumstances right now, I’m sorry and I see you. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you. Just because they haven’t offered or haven’t asked you how you are doing does not, repeat NOT, mean they don’t care. Ask for what you need. And, please, accept that hand when it is offered. You are neither a bother or a burden and you are welcome.

We are just at the point now that those who are secretly panicking on the inside about getting through Christmas will really be feeling it, so this week make it your mission to spread a little Christmas cheer ahead of time.

“A rising tide lifts all boats” said J. F. K. The natural joyfulness of the season can lift those who need it most if we all share a little love today.

WHERE TO GET HELP:

If you are worried about your own or someone else’s mental health, the best place to get help is your GP or local mental health provider. However, if you or someone else is in danger or endangering others, call police immediately on 111.

OR IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE:

• 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7)
• https://www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7)
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 or TEXT 4202

Tags 2019, 2020, Christmas, enjoyment, feeling states, Relationships

4 Dimensional Wellness Energy Boosters Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships Summer

We MUST catch up before Christmas!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date November 12, 2019
No Comments on We MUST catch up before Christmas!

We must catch up before Christmas!” – how often do you hear that in the last few weeks before Christmas?

When there is no actual time to do anything about it?! How many times do YOU say it, when you know there is no way you can really make it happen at that point, and you have a weirdly guilty feeling that you might just have said the exact same thing to them last year?

Okay, so sometimes this is just a social nicety that we say when we know full well we don’t want to really see them, and that they, in return, have no intention of seeing us either. Fine fine. Social niceties make the world a smoother place to navigate. We all know the game.

There are however likely a heap of people you genuinely DO want to see. And for one reason or another, your priorities have slipped over the winter and the social connection has not been there during the hunkering down period.

The quality of our life is largely defined by the quality (and quantity) of our social connections and interactions. Those connections give our life richness, purpose and meaning.

Given that is the case it doesn’t do any harm for us to put some additional intentionality and priority round it today.

Riddle me this:

Who, when you actually consider it, haven’t you seen this past year that you really would like to?
Who lights up your world? Who is worth going out of your way for?
Who do you ACTUALLY want to see before Christmas?
Who isn’t physically near you but is incredibly important to you? Can you plan a trip? Failing that can you surprise them with a Facetime or Skype call?
Who has made a positive impact on your life this year? Why? How do you want to acknowledge that?
Who do you want by your side at Christmas? Who do you want by your side at New Year?
Who do you keep saying you must get together, but don’t? Do you really want to see them? If so, get it sorted. If no, stop saying it.
Is there anyone with whom you want to clear the air or make amends with? Clear the air, and feel free for the new year.
Is there a group thing where you can kill multiple birds – by hosting or attending – to connect with three or more of the above people?
Can you organise an active catch up that is not just coffee or wine? A walk in the bush? Swim at the beach? Surf? Playpark with the kids? A shared activity builds more memories and connection.

Not all connection needs to be one on one, and time-intensive.

This is a great reflection exercise, to make sure you include all the people who are truly important to you.

Your best summer will be only best summer when you have the best people at your side.

Tags 2019, challenging beliefs, positive thinking, Reduce Stress, Relationships

Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships Resilience Self Care and Self Love

The F word that’s the HARDEST one of all

Post author By Support Elf
Post date October 7, 2019
No Comments on The F word that’s the HARDEST one of all

Let’s talk about the biggest F-word there is: Forgiveness.

Easy to say. Hard to do.

We tend to not want to do it for the very good reason, “we don’t want to let them off the hook”. I hear this again and again. And, I get it.

When someone has done something which we perceive to be so boundary transgressing that they require our forgiveness, we easily get all tangled up in the push and pull of “letting them off the hook”.

That by forgiving whatever the betrayal, or series of betrayals (and believe me, in my job I hear it ALL), we are in some way condoning their actions, attitude, choices. Which we absolutely do not want to do!

There is no way we support, approve or condone. Forgiving can feel like we are complicit with the original hurt.

So we hold onto our betrayal, slight or pain. There is nowhere else for it to go.

The thing is, they are not on the hook: you are.

You become stuck in the pain of the original injury through unforgiveness.

Here’s what I want you to know:

You can forgive and still choose not to see that person ever again.
You can forgive and be absolutely clear you will never put yourself in that position again.
You can forgive even if they are not sorry and that apology will never come.
You can forgive and absolutely have the strongest boundaries about any future communication or contact.

And why? Why should you forgive them?

They are not dangling on the hook of guilt and shame you imagine them to be.

The forgiveness is not for them, sweet one, it’s for you.

It gives you peace in your heart: and let’s face it, your heart is the one that’s important here.

Forgive, and let yourself off the hook. It’s time.

Tags challenging beliefs, flexible thinking, Happiness, Resilience, Take Responsibility

Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Relationships Self Care and Self Love

How to give YOURSELF a Time Out

Post author By Support Elf
Post date July 2, 2019
No Comments on How to give YOURSELF a Time Out

Much is made (by wellbeingey, feelgoodery people like me!) of “Being Present”. That we will all be healthier and happier if we are more connected to “the now” and present with who and what we are doing, when we are actually doing it. True Dat.

There is however another equally important, yet far less discussed perspective to the “Be Present” position.

I also think it’s important to know:

It’s TOTALLY okay not to be “on” 24/7 and engaged in every single convo going on around you.

It’s TOTALLY okay to have an enjoyable, meandering, noodle on Instagram on your phone.

It’s TOTALLY okay not to listen to every single word someone wants to share with you.

AS LONG AS YOU OWN YOUR ABSENCE.

If you can be present, and you choose to be present: BE ALL THERE.

If you don’t have the capacity, the time, the attention, the mind space: LET THEM KNOW.

OWN YOUR ABSENCE.

It’s yours. You can do that. It belongs to you.

Be clear. Be unambiguous.

Say “I can see you have something on your mind you want to share but I just cannot give you my full attention right now. Can we talk properly over dinner?”

“Hon, I adore you, I’ve loved chatting with you over coffee – but I just need to check my email. I’d like to take 10 minutes and then resume the chats! – is that cool with you?”

Turn your phone on silent, go lay on the bed, and play on Instagram to your heart’s content with no one else expecting anything from you in that moment. Immerse yourself and enjoy.

If you are not going to be present (which is fine, no one can be all the time) OWN YOUR ABSENCE with clarity and intent.

If you liked this blog, you will lovelovelove my Coaching Academy.

Smart, practical tools that you can download, put into practice and get support and accountability as you up-level your wellbeing in an amazing community of like-minded women. Create a life you love, and a body you love living in and enjoy wellbeing without the overwhelm – just click here to join and I’ll see you inside!

Tags Relationships, Say What You Mean, Stress Management, Take Responsibility

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