2023 Happiness Resilience Self belief Self Care Sunday

You can write yourself a new ending, starting today.

Here’s an interesting wee factlette for you this morning: I see more clients coming for life coaching to make transformative change at the ages of 29, 39, 49 and 59, than all the other years put together. There is something super powerful about that change in decade of our age which naturally gives us pause. We take stock at this turning of the chapter, a whole new decade, and reflect in a way we don’t seem to as much in the in-between years.


When a whole new decade is bearing down on us we seem far more likely to ask ourselves if our life is all that it “should be” by this stage. Are we hitting the milestones we had always privately set for ourselves at this marker? Life can be thrown into sharp relief by contemporaries around us ticking past the same clock and the same milestones.



A change of decade can be the most incredible kick up the pahootie to refocus and get serious about what we want to achieve in the next decade, harnessing that natural motivation can be all powerful. But I also see it as a time where more regret will also surface as a result of the reflection. Of milestones not met or exceeded, statuses not reached. The trick here is not to get sucked into a whirlpool of regret, but to take any relevant lessons and use them to push forwards once again. To not look sorrowfully at the time that has been “lost” but focus all that is to come. To take it as a clean fresh page and begin again. Start anew. Double down. Make it happen.


The quote attributed to C. S. Lewis says it best “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending”.


We have the power to write ourselves a new ending any time we choose. We can do it whenever we take the time to reflect and refocus: not just when the year reads “9”, or a day of the week starts with an M. That no matter what is past, we get to say how our story will end. Starting now.  You can write yourself a new ending, starting today.

2023 Energy Boosters Happiness Self Care Sunday

This. Is. Real. Self. Care

My whole damn week went TOTALLY sideways this week, and I suspect I am not the only one. If you are in the same boat this Sunday I want you to know: YOU ARE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!


Your brain defaults to seeing “The Gap” of where you want to be…the chores undone, the emails not replied to, the yoga class not made, the story not read, the kitchen bench not decluttered…you know, The Gap between YOU and Superwoman who is “on top of everything”.


This default perspective is unhelpful. Makes us feel bad. We need to consciously direct our brain to “The Gain” instead. The sore knee kissed better. The midday meeting that got an outcome. The lunch boxes were packed. The kindly Good Morning to the elderly neighbour. The bins put out. The swift lunchtime walk. The dentist appointment booked. The twenty six emails that DID get replied to.


Look. Life is LIFE. It will NEVER be complete til we are.


There will ALWAYS be stuff that’s UNDONE.


You can’t use DONE-NESS as your measure of how good your day was.


Train your brain to see not The Gap, but The Gain.


I promise you: you are doing better than you are judging yourself for.


Remove the unattainable yardstick of “done”, you will never reach it anyway.


Redirect your attention, and your COMPASSION to give your sweet self a break: I promise you, you are doing better than you think you are.


This. Is. Real. Self. Care. #thisisrealselfcare

2023 Happiness Self belief Self Care Sunday

When “its complicated”

This week, an important perspective to consider in order to keep your mental health high, in these times when people will flake out on you at the drop of a text:


No-one is really EVER “too busy” for you.


If it’s truly important to them – THEY WILL FIND A WAY.


The truth of the matter is:


Something or someone else is more important. So, it’s being prioritised. Over you.


We say “it’s complicated” but… it’s not.


We excuse it under “he/she has got a lot on”


But the truth is that they care about something else MORE.


It’s literally that simple.


Please stop torturing yourself and making excuses for why that date / old friend / colleague keeps flaking on you.


They are just not that bothered is all.


Go pour your beautiful energy where it’s needed, valued and appreciated.

2023 Emotional Honesty Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Sorry, really NOT sorry…

What I’d love for you good people to ponder today is this:


I’m calling time on saying sorry for sh*t we don’t need to apologise for.


Have you noticed how much (especially as women) we tend to over-apologise and say sorry when it’s not actually required?! It’s a weird habit, and one worth revising. Things I am no longer apologising for:


  • Not always being available (time, attention and energy are limited, it’s not personal, it’s just freaking MATHS)
  • Prioritising the things that matter (to ME)
  • Not giving an answer right away (it’s ok to think about it)
  • Working at the pace that’s right for me on voluntary projects (it needs to fit in with my life, not the other way round!)
  • When it’s not actually MY FAULT there is an issue! (why the hell am I saying sorry – YOU say sorry!)


Forget the bubble bath. This. Is. Real. Self. Care. #thisisrealselfcare


What about you, my lovely? What do you want to STOP apologising for? This is a primary  boundary of self-care where we show up for ourselves. I’m all ears. Let me know here.


2023 Resilience Self Care Sunday


When I first moved to Auckland, I came across a phrase I had never heard before about solving something with “Number 8 Wire”.  What was that, I wondered?! Once explained and observed, I fell in love with this quirky facet of New Zealand culture. A quality borne out of geographical isolation that deeply embedded into its people the ability to improvise and adapt, to invent and to overcome.


No personal or professional problem I ever encountered was beyond the mentality of Kiwi Number 8 Wire. This uniquely powerful aspect of the collective Kiwi psyche is the can-do ability to problem-solve; to create ingenious solutions; to circumvent seemingly insurmountable problems and obstacles someway, somehow. I saw that with this mentality there was, and is, always a solution. Always a way round. Always some sort of cunning solution. Almost everything, it seemed, is figure-out-able with enough Number 8 Wire Mentality.


With the atrocious flooding, landslips and earthquakes in recent weeks, I know so many of you are hurting on many levels, caught up in Mother Nature’s powerful web through no fault of your own. We are all also observing the horrendous earthquake on the Syrian-Turkish border and its decimating impact, as well as, of course, the ongoing devastation in the war in Ukraine. The world is an uncertain and brutal place at the moment. Resilience is not just useful, but mandatory.


If you have been affected by these awful floods, I know you will be taking heart, as I have, by all the posts of people helping each other, and creating hope and help out of nothing but good old Kiwi Number 8 Wire. I cannot think of a nation who can better look after and get through this awful time – together – than the New Zealander’s. If you have been badly affected, my heart goes out to you. Even if you are a super independent person who is usually the “giver”, please reach out for help. One of the most powerful mantras for life is “give when you can, take when you must”. If this is your time, reach out and I know you will be met with so many helping hands, because there is a line of Number 8 Wire that runs through this nation and its people.


For now, here is an article I wrote way-back-when in The New Zealand Herald on 4 strategies to increase your resilience in tough times. It may speak to you (or someone you care about) today.

Kia Kaha

2023 Emotional Honesty Self Care Sunday

When you helping them is counter productive…

Rejection is something that’s been coming up a LOT lately with clients and Academy members (and so maybe for you too?) Rejection can be a blindsiding yet inevitable part of the human experience. Thinking about how to get past it with more ease took me right back to my first job in London….


When I was an eager young sales exec working in newspapers in London, I was trained to ask prospective clients what were called “open-ended questions“. This technique would give me information on their business in order to fully understand their advertising needs and – da-dah! – sell them an ad.


Open-ended questions start with how, why, what, where, when. Stuff like “Where do your best customers come from? What was your most successful advertising campaign?” It’s the foundation technique for sales; start with open-ended questions then, as the conversation progresses, narrow it down towards a sale with closed questions which can only be answered with a yes/no response (hopefully), “Do you want an ad?” “Yes, I do“.

I had forgotten this gem of ancient sales wisdom until I had a run of clients who had all experienced some form of rejection – from the mummy mafia, a prospective business partner, a romantic interest and from course mates. They were all very upset, and really stuck in their upset. They just couldn’t figure it out. Why, why, why would someone treat them this way when all they had shown was kindness/friendship/shared business knowledge/love/support?


Over and over they turned it in their minds, wrestling with the rejection; the sudden cruel “didn’t see it coming” rejection. They were all very miserable indeed.


For some, the rejection had actually happened years and years ago, but yet it was still as fresh as yesterday because they still hadn’t figured out the “why“. Trying to figure out why it had become a habit of thought, why why why has this thing happened to me?


Here’s the thing. This endless questioning of the past “Why did he/they/she reject me when I didn’t do anything wrong? What did I do to be treated this way? How long will this rejection last?” etc, are all open-ended questions, but asking them of ourselves can only mean WE go round in circles.


There is no satisfactory answer because we don’t have it.


Asking these questions in our own mind endlessly compounds the question and just makes us miserable.


I have had my share of rejections, including one last year that just floored me. I could not believe that I was being rejected so comprehensively, having given and offered so much. I could barely sleep for the incessant turning it over in my mind.


However, that way madness lies. I call it Chasing The Why, and it can be a surefire route to misery.


Here’s the thing. We live in a society where science and technology are king and every drama on TV eventually shows us whodunit.


We always get to figure out the why. Which is comforting and neat. But in real life, dealing with people, not machines, it’s just not so neat. Sometimes, you will never know why!



Sometimes we need to get over rejection by giving ourselves the closure that we will never know why, but just that it is.


We cannot access the why – it lives in someone else’s head – and they have not been willing to share it. That sucks, but it is what it is. We cannot pin our capacity to move beyond the rejection on someone else giving us closure.


Sometimes we need to accept we can be complete with the experience and move on WITHOUT knowing why it happened to us. The fact they have rejected us is enough: all on its own.


Maybe you have an old rejection that still hurts that you never got to the bottom of? Most of us do.


My best advice is to stop chasing the why. Be okay that you will never know the full story. Know it says a lot more about them than you. Hold your head high and stop looking back.

2023 Happy People Don't Do Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

When is it okay NOT to be considerate?

Today’s blog is inspired by a few lovely clients and members who have been feeling taken for granted. What can we learn? Let’s dive into an exploration of consideration today…just might ring some bells for you,!


I like to think of myself as a considerate person. I expect you do too!


I’d like to ask a controversial question today on that topic:


When is it okay to stop being considerate? 


I think there is a very specific time when this is more than okay:


It’s when YOU aren’t being considered. 


When there is a consistent pattern that YOU are not being considered or factored in.

(consistent pattern is important, we can all have an off day)


I’ve seen it with a number of clients lately


Walking on eggshells around a sibling who is routinely dismissive and inconsiderate of their needs, situation and emotions. Not receiving acknowledgement, let alone reciprocity, for their consideration.


Trying to please an unpleasable colleague by picking up some of their share of work, which is a favour never returned. The consideration of helping them out taken totally for granted.


Supporting a friend’s business in various ways over time, being happy to do it! But realising over many years that there has been exactly zero support of her own equally important business. Realising on closer inspection that lack of consideration indicates it’s not quite the close friendship of value they thought in a number of ways.


These examples of a lack of consideration might be SUPER DISAPPOINTING realisations.


However, I can promise you, they are good to know.


Consideration is part of the social glue of life: it keeps the wheels running smoothly socially, personally, professionally, relationally.


Thing is consideration takes time, focus, effort, choice, attention, emotional management, logistical management – it’s a long list.


Consideration may be what’s polite but it’s not a free pass


And it can be very much taken for granted


Pay attention if it’s not being reciprocated


Consideration is a two-way street


It’s something you can grant with grace


And it is something you can also gracefully withdraw


That doesn’t mean you need to be as difficult as hell


It just means you withdraw the energetic compromise of considering their needs

and emotions equally with (or higher than) your own


It’s simply a recalibration of your emotional investment


Which you are perfectly entitled to make


When is it okay to stop being considerate? 


When you are not being considered, my friend.

2023 Good Enough Self Care Sunday

Are you stuck in a vicious cycle of non-acceptance?

One of the hardest lessons in life is accepting the fact that some situations will never go back to how they were.

The longer we wrestle with trying and wishing we could just “go back” the unhappier we will be. We can get stuck in a vicious cycle of non-acceptance.

Credit: Tiny Buddha

Acceptance of something treasured ending or breaking or changing is one of the hardest leaps in mind and heart.

However peace, hope and new beginnings are on the other side of that acceptance.
Sometimes we can only go forwards.


Even if we don’t like it, acceptance is the way

2023 Live Happy Inspiration Self Care Sunday

Where does personal growth come from?

This week I want to give you perspective on Where Personal Growth Comes From? Good question, right?


Well…it comes from THREE places:


1. From the crap that happens to us in life: unwanted CURVEBALLS force us to grow, whether we like it or not, to expand to cope with whatever craptastic event has come our way.


2. From positive circumstances that come into our life: new baby / new job / more money / OPPORTUNITIES that are welcome but stretch us to meet them.


3. When we CHOOSE to expand and grow as people by CREATING INTENTIONAL personal growth. This might be signing up for a half-marathon, or for a programme of guided personal growth like my coaching Academy. This is where you consciously choose you are ready to EXPAND who you are, and who you are BECOMING.

Image: Kaya Toast For The Soul

Notice the first two are largely PASSIVE: we grow by default because of what life throws AT us. It’s a kind of uncontrolled personal growth: it just happens TO us, we HAVE to grow to COPE.

The third option is OUR CHOICE. Its ACTIVE. It’s where we say to ourselves that we are READY for MORE of something in our lives. That we will DELIBERATELY CREATE

CHALLENGE for ourselves in order to grow and become the expanded version of ourselves we can be.

The challenge we choose in order to stimulate our personal growth might be PHYSICAL (learning to windsurf, dropping eating sugar), it might be MENTAL (getting on top of our finances or learning techniques to reduce overthinking), it might be EMOTIONAL (having that difficult conversation we have been avoiding) or it might be SPIRITUAL in terms of personal expansion (developing a meditation practice).

We CANNOT help but GROW through life because life WILL throw things at us – good and bad, wanted and unwanted – all the way through life…till the day we die! That is a fact.

What I find the coolest… is the people with the CAPACITY to SEEK ADDITIONAL personal growth through CHOICE. That they actively STEP TOWARDS expansion and make it happen for themselves through challenge, as well as the inevitable coping with what life brings.

(My Coaching Academy is like a COCOON for CHOSEN personal growth. An incubator for it. A safe, supported space where it can be created in a gradual but irresistible draw forwards. I bloody love that I get to create that for a living.)

However, you get your GROWTH, passively or actively, know that it’s all about a reaction to CIRCUMSTANCES.

Either your GROWTH RESPONSE to meet circumstances that happen TO you. This is inevitable. Plus, your GROWTH RESPONSE to circumstances you CHOOSE to introduce into your life in order to CHALLENGE and change you.

I want you to know, that although crap in your life does indeed make you grow, there are two other ways to do it! I call them the THREE C’s!

So, we have:

1. Curveballs &Crap

2. Challenges

3. Choice

Does this ring bells for you? You can let me know here if it’s a helpful perspective for you to consider! If you are ready for more of Option 3 “Choice” you can see how that would look for you here.

Some of us have done FAR too much of our growth in the first category… this is your sign to re-align those ratios!

2023 Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Time to stop with the “You should just…”

Recently, I observed someone who was sharing (with a certain amount of bravery I might add) the details of a breakup with a friend (sister?) in a cafe. They were met with a disappointing lack of empathy and a heap of really unhelpful “advice” they so clearly were SO not ready for.


It was hard to hear! This is what I would have liked the friend/sister to have known…


Just how annoying the “You should just…” is when you share something that is troubling you 


Some of the time we are just venting or processing out loud and not looking for input or solutions. Having a solution rammed down our throat and our hurt invalidated does NOT feel good and it not helpful!


We can all get better at this and model helpful behaviour so we have more chance of getting it in return later.


 “That sounds hard. Tell me more”


“That sounds really tough. Do you want to bounce possible solutions or do you just need to vent right now? What do you need? I’m listening”.


“I haven’t been in your shoes on this but I’d love to help you. What do you need most right now?”


If someone is ASKING for your input and advice – give it! That fresh perspective can be SO helpful. But…listen closely before you jump in…ARE they asking for it yet?!  Maybe the most helpful thing you can do in this moment is listen really closely and offer a shoulder.


If you are not sure if it’s time to offer possible solutions – just ASK! It’s hard to see someone we care about suffering, but timing is everything. You may have the perfect solution if perspective but they need to be READY to HEAR it!


Also, bear in mind…you can only ever know a small slice of what’s really going on for them. Even if you feel you have been directly in their shoes, YOU HAVEN’T!




And if you are on the receiving end, don’t be be afraid to ask for what you need – people welcome clarity (even if that clarity is telling them to button it!) Listen to what’s helpful but only take what resonates.


Only YOU know what it’s like to BE YOU in the situation you are in. Take that support but also trust hard in your own intuition to know what’s right for you

Image: Tiny Buddha


PS. Want some non-preachy, helpful advice that works on YOUR timing?

I’ve got a lovely ways you can do that right now:

Book: Start using the easy-to-implement mental and emotional health tips from my newest (super pretty, super effective) book, 101 Self Care Ideas for only NZ $17 (that’s approx. $10 USD or £9 GBP). >>>Click here to learn more.<<<

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