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2022 Communication Live Happy Inspiration Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Over-thinking… sound familiar?!

Over-thinking… sound familiar?!

So common, and at a very real cost to our mental health.

Much (not all, but a lot) of our stress is (when we step back and evaluate it objectively) self-created. It’s the same thought-loops or stories we have told ourselves over and over about how we are letting someone down / not good enough in some way / something is going to go wrong / so and so will be upset.

These catastophising stories can run on repeat in our heads creating anxiety and stress. It’s all the over-thinking “What ifs” that can drag us down.

A really helpful tip can be getting these endless anxiety-inducing stories out of your head, and into paper.

Once you look at them in black and white it’s a lot easier to slow the over-thinking down, and evaluate them with a more considered perspective:

Is that really true? Is that a fact? Where’s the evidence of that? What’s the percentage likelihood of that ever occurring? If that did happen how would I handle it? When have I handled something similar successfully before? Is this even my responsibility?

The problem isn’t that we are thinking – it’s HOW we are thinking.

Pull out a pen and paper (or use the notes page in your phone) acknowledge that thinking, and then assess that story for truth, likelihood, responsibility and your capability.

Categories
4 Dimensional Wellness Emotional Honesty Good Enough Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Self Care and Self Love

Wellbeing Is A Verb…

Wellbeing is a verb…it’s something you DO, not something you POSSESS.

It’s not something you ACHIEVE, like a DEGREE…

a certificate on the wall you will have for life, that no-one can ever take away…

Wellbeing a a state of continual, life-long, DOING…

one action, after the next, after the next,

like riding a bicycle, pedal after pedal after pedal…

it’s the perpetual movement that stops you falling over.

With wellbeing there is no getting “THERE”,

there is no settled final destination,

no silver bullet, no “one thing”, “one secret”,

its a million tiny ACTIONS, DOINGS… wellbeing is self-love in ACTION.

It’s not that one-off achievement that you’ll get sorted one day once life is “less busy” (it will never be).

it’s something you commit to in the now, amongst the busyness, an integral part of the busyness…

there’s never a better time to look after our mental health and physical wellbeing than today,

and tomorrow,

and the day after that and the day after that.

The sooner I realised that (and my god it took me a lot longer than it should!)

and I stopped waiting for the right time or that right bit of magical wellbeing information I was missing,

that’s when it all started to fall into place.

Wellbeing is a verb…it’s something you DO, not something you POSSESS.

DO something for the future you TODAY.

Rinse and repeat tomorrow.

Accept it will never be “done” and do it anyway. 

 

Categories
2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Self Care and Self Love

Are You Too Nice?

What do people mean when they say you are “too nice”?

Do people ever tell you, you are “too nice”.

Maybe at work? Socially? At the school gate? Are you the “nice one” in the family?

What do you think?

Is “too nice” a good thing…or no?

Is it a compliment…or…not?

And what does being “too nice” really mean?

I bet you have never really thought about it…being the helpful soul I am, I am going to short cut it here for you.

But you are not going to like it… (sorry)…

Ready?

I’ll tell you what people mean when they say you are “too nice”.

They mean you are a pushover.

Sorry lovely, but they do.

“Too nice” is NOT a compliment.

It means they can get away with murder.

They mean your boundaries are so permeable that you are picking up the slack for others logistically, emotionally, practically, mentally, way too often.

They mean you get taken advantage of in a subtle but consistent way.

They mean that you usually don’t stand up for what you really need, and defer your priorities behind others way more than is actually good for you.

I hate to say it but “Too Nice” is a code. And it’s code for “Pushover”.

I know, right?!

So – look, I know you ARE a nice person, and you want to be thought of as nice. Totally makes sense, and I support that. So, let me help you do that today.

Firstly, understand that there is a HUGE difference between being a Nice Person, and being “Too Nice”.

What does being a Nice Person mean?

For me it means I am demonstrably thoughtful. Generous. Compassionate. Honest. Trustworthy. Good. I try to do good in my interactions. I know it’s not always possible but that’s the intention.

AND, secondly, I ALSO HAVE BOUNDARIES of what’s ok for me in terms of my time, commitment, finances, emotions, opinions, logistics. Boundaries that I am aware of, have consciously chosen, will voice, and will stand behind if required in a calm, uncomplicated way.

Being Nice is BOTH those things.

I can be a Nice Person AND have Good Boundaries.

However, when we are “Too Nice” we are being Nice at the EXPENSE of our boundaries.

We are making it one OR the other. Niceness OR Boundaries.

Essentially it boils down to: if I am nice then I can’t stand up for what I need. I need to be liked by others more than I need to look after myself and what’s truly ok for me. It’s become an either/or choice. Be nice, OR, have boundaries.

But – it’s actually NOT mutually exclusive.

You CAN Be Nice AND have appropriate boundaries about what you will and won’t accept in your life.

My personal definition of Nice is: “I am a nice person (really nice!)….but, be clear, I won’t allow you to p*ss me about”.  

Nice: good personal qualities + good boundaries.

Too Nice: good personal qualities + low or no boundaries.

Yes, we want to be nice.

But we don’t want to be “too nice”.

You get to define Nice.

I highly encourage you to do it.

Define what it means for you.

Be nIce. Don’t be too nice.

That way, everyone wins.

Categories
2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Self Care and Self Love

The REAL COST Of Not Taking Care Of Your Self-Care

Y’know good people, I am gonna just lay this down:

Y’all gotta stop treating self-care like it’s an optional extra!

  • Like it’s the thing you will do… once all the important sh*t is done.
  • Like it’s the side order of fries rather than the burger.
  • Like it’s an optional extra to think about…when you have time.
  • Like it’s a freaking LUXURY.
  • We treat self-care like there is NO COST to NOT doing it.

Be super clear:

If you are not taking care of your precious self

And by that, I mean not just your physical wellbeing

But your mental, emotional and spiritual health too

You will be practicing self-care-compensation instead: and it costs us far more than genuine self-care.

There is an immediate cost to not taking care of ourselves: it’s expensive and it looks like this:

  • We will be drinking wine to feel better after a hard day because we do not have a regular mental or emotional health practice to tap into to unwind and rebalance. Expensive.
  • We will be trying on 15 outfits and creating a floordrobe or buying clothes in sizes we don’t want to compensate for the activity we didn’t do. Expensive.
  • We will be buying shiny new shoes because they are the only thing we can guarantee to fit to compensate for the stress-eating we did. Expensive.
  • We will be losing our rag at someone we didn’t mean to, in a way we regret because we didn’t do our own emotional boundary work before we had the conversation. Expensive.
  • We will be feeling pissed off or sad when certain situations come up and reaching for our phone, wasting hours, as we endlessly scroll as an adult pacifier because we are not processing our emotions in a safe and considered way. Expensive.
  • We will feel tired and reach for extra coffee, tea, and energy drinks to keep going and pep us up because we are not listening and caring for the very real rest needs of our body. Expensive.

Here’s the thing.

If you think that self-care can always be put off til later…

It can’t.

You are ALWAYS taking care of yourself – and soothing uncomfortable emotions – it’s just HOW are you doing it?

Are you doing it in a conscious way that elevates your mind and body in a way that you choose that benefits you today, but also tomorrow?

Or are you doing self-care unconsciously in a way that just gets you through the day, numbing out, reducing anxiety. Mindless scrolling. Eating. Gossiping. Drinking. Faffing.

Room for improvement – right?

It’s time to start treating self-care

And I mean real self-care, (mental, emotional, physical, spiritual) not just booking a massage once a year!

Not as an optional extra.

But as an ongoing essential part of healthy mind maintenance.

Quality self-care is the investment in ourselves that gives us the biggest return;

Because if we don’t make time for health, sooner or later we have to make time for illness of one sort or another.

Let’s commit to taking self-care off the optional extra list, and make it the main event.

Categories
Emotional Honesty Post Lockdown Relationships Self belief Self Care and Self Love

Is someone being mean to you? I won’t have that!

Why does this person keep upsetting me? 

Does someone in your life keep upsetting you? It happens to the best of us, and I am afraid to say that experiencing pain and hurt is part of the human experience for us all. However – there are things we can do – and I believe that starts with us asking ourselves the right question. 

  • It could be a friend who repeatedly cancels your plans. 
  • A colleague who doesn’t pull their weight. 
  • A partner who repeatedly talks over you. 
  • A family member who cuts you down time and time again. 

It can become a repetitive pattern of hurt in the fabric of your life. 

And what are we likely to do? We keep questioning “Why does that person keep hurting me?” They can see it hurts me, why do they keep doing or saying that thing? Can’t they see how much it is hurting me? We wonder “How can they do or say that thing?” We turn these questions over and over in our minds. 

And nothing changes. We keep feeling hurt and we wonder why they continue to do it. 

Here’s the thing. We are asking ourselves the wrong question. The question isn’t “Why does that person keep hurting me?” The real question is “Why do I keep letting them?”

When we change the question and bring the power back to ourselves by directing it at ourselves, “I”, not the hurtful person in question, we can start getting some answers that will actually help. 

“Why do I keep letting them hurt me?” leads to self-awareness. It could be “Because I don’t tell her it offends me when she cancels “ to “I take on the extra work because I am too scared to confront the issue” to “I’m scared she will leave me if I speak up” to “He’s always talked down to me, since I was a child, and we’ve never reset the boundaries of our communication now I am an adult because I am too scared to rock the boat”. 

The reason we keep letting people hurt us is usually fear. Fear that we can’t handle the reaction of the other person if we speak our minds. Fear that they won’t approve or agree. 

Fear that we simply can’t handle confrontation. 

Fear that we won’t be seen as a “good” or accommodating person. 

So, to avoid that fear we keep letting them hurt us. 

But…it can be another way. We can act from self-love and respect, not fear. We can choose to not allow ourselves to be hurt on an ongoing basis. We can choose to speak up and cope with whatever the reaction is. We can choose to distance ourselves from that person or relationship for a time. We can choose to place our thoughts elsewhere rather than dwell on why the person that hurt us should be different. We can take our time, our energy, and our focus and place it where it doesn’t hurt. 

Taking our emphasis from how we want the other person to change in thought, word, or deed to what we can change in ourselves reduces suffering and pain. It’s the fastest route to stop feeling upset. When someone keeps upsetting you – start by asking the right question. 

 

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In this article I am talking about emotional hurt: if someone is physically hurting you please get immediate help from the police or a domestic abuse organisation in your area/country. Lx

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Categories
2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Emotional Honesty Energy Boosters Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

There are TWO types of Busy Person…which are you?

Life is busy. You sure don’t need a life coach to tell you that! However – there are two kinds of busy. Which one is more you?

There is active, focused, conscious busy …and there is frantic, rushing, juggling, largely unconscious busy.

The first feels energising, focused, controlled, productive. Let’s call that Purposeful Busy.

The other feels overwhelming, stressful, and out of control. That would be Stressful Busy.

Life is always going to be busy. It’s the 2020’s. That just how it is, we don’t really get to change that. What we DO get to control though is WHAT KIND of busy we are personally engaged in

BOTH are going to keep you doing stuff all day. Only one is going to not just feel good but move you nearer to where you want to go and the kind of life you want for ourselves.

We can all be busy all day and knackered at the end. That however doesn’t tell us if we have been being busy about the right things.

The defining factor is

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING BUSY ABOUT?

How much has been about obligation?

And how much about positive choice?

How much has required willpower? And how much has been breezy inspired action?

Stop. Take a minute. What ARE you filling your day with – to be so busy?!

Is it purposefully in alignment with the life you want to have for yourself a year, 3 years from now?

How much of your day is a building brick for the future, and how much is going through the motions or obligation driven?

A year from now if you want to be promoted is your busyness a small step in driving that outcome, or is it just busy work that someone else didn’t want to do that you didn’t want to say no to?

A year from now if you want to be strong and fit and in your old jeans is skipping that spin class because you were so busy a step towards that goal or a step away? What were you busy with instead?

A year from now if you want to be credit card debt-free did you take a tiny action towards that goal today? Or were you too busy to make a packed lunch and ate on the run again?

All these things are teeny tiny choices.

But that is how we get ANYWHERE! Lots of teeny tiny choices in a row.

To create anything of meaning in our life.

We have to be busy doing the right things.

Being busy per se is not enough.

The time will pass anyway.

It will get filled with tens of thousands of tiny choices anyway.

The difference between Purposeful Busy and Stressful Busy is a very clearly defined future goal, and the commitment to move towards it each day, in a tiny way – NO MATTER WHAT. Even if its inconvenient. Even if it means we let someone else down.  Even if we say no to some other stuff.

When we don’t do this – it means that our priorities shift weekly, daily, hourly, depending on who needs what. That is where we are Stressful Busy. That’s why we feel like we are rushing, and juggling between everything.

Because we are.

There is a better way.

When we have a purpose and we prioritise it.

When we are Purposefully Busy we are not LESS busy.

We are just busy about the right things.

 

Categories
2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Self Care and Self Love

The BIG lie you have been told about “Self-Care”

Yo, listen up lady. You’ve been sold a Big Fat Lie about Self-Care. BIG. Huge.

You’ve been sold a lie that Self-Care looks super nice and fluffy. That it looks like pedicures, bubble baths and avo on toast. That it smells of bubble-gum and candyfloss, and it lives, mainly on Insta, striking a well-lit pose.  I know you know what I’m talking about. Self-Care is BIG buck’s y’all. There are a LOT of vested interests in telling you that THIS perfectly manicured, utterly passive image, is what Self Care looks like.

Let me tell you something from coaching thousands and thousands of smart women to lead their healthiest, happiest lives peppered with continual personal growth:

Real Self Care is actually really ACTIVE: it’s WORK.  And sometimes it’s really HARD. And it pretty much always doesn’t look pretty.

Real Self Care doesn’t come with a pink bow on it – real Self-Care looks like this:

Sitting down and making a spreadsheet of all your debts and figuring out some sort of payment plan that will start to release you from crushing financial stress – THAT my friend, is not sexy, but it is Self-Care.

Walking away from that oh so gorgeous soulmate of a man, with the abs and the flowers and the smile, who also never turns up when he says, lets you down continually and intermittently ghosts – THAT, my friend, IS Self-Care.

Scheduling a meeting with your boss to talk through your responsibilities and workload, and remuneration in a well prepared, confident, assertive way – THAT, my friend, that is Self -Care all the way.

Politely saying no thanks to that girl’s get-together that inevitably makes you feel like crap and that you have to compete and yes you have known each other from school but they just don’t really get you anymore, but deciding not to go this year – THAT is Self-Care.

Calling ahead to the dinner party host to explain you are doing a particular health-related eating programme that you are really committed to sticking to – even at her event, and working out a few easy menu items that she can prepare or you can bring – THAT is Self-Care.

Here’s the thing:

Self-Care doesn’t always look like what’s EASY.

Self-Care is unlikely to be something that is PASSIVE.

And it’s usually not INDULGENT.

It’s not that indulgence is bad. Far from it – but bubble baths – they only feel indulgent when you are lying there knowing you can afford your mortgage.

Don’t mistake an enjoyable indulgence for Self-Care. Enjoy the indulgence, of course! Enjoy that good passive bubbly stuff that puts the cherry on the top of life – but don’t mistake it for the real WORK of caring for your beautiful self.

People wonder why they have a massage or spend the day at the spa, essentially “doing self-care” but then basically feel exactly the same about themselves, their body, and their life once they have left the spa and got home.

This is why. They have not been doing Self-Care! They have been doing Indulgence. Indulgence feels gooooooooddddd, (and I’m all for it) but – and this is the really important thing – it only feels good IN THE MOMENT.

Self-care? REAL Self-Care? My friends, real Self-Care is often HARD WORK in the moment. It’s about change. About challenge. About TRUTH. But – here’s the kicker – It LASTS. When you genuinely do what you need to do to really CARE for yourself – you feel better not just that day, but day after day after day.

Remember this:

Indulgence makes you shiny on the outside.

Self-Care lets you shine long term, from within.

 

 

Categories
2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Energy Boosters Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

3 Steps To Sticking With It!

Let’s think about a healthy habit that you find easy to maintain.

Hands up who brushed their teeth this morning? Of course you did. Now, was that a hassle? Was that a major effort of willpower to convince yourself to do it? Of course not. You just got up, wandered into the bathroom and started brushing, right? Brushing your teeth is an effortlessly healthy habit that you put into practice twice a day without even thinking about it.

Why is it so easy?

One: Your action is in congruence with your deeply held belief, drummed into you since childhood, that oral health is important physically and socially. There is no internal dialogue that goes on every morning about whether teeth brushing is a good thing or not, you have already decided it is, so you act accordingly.

Two: It’s set up for you in a way that’s convenient and easy to action. The toothbrush is right next to the sink, with the toothpaste. Easy. And it happens at a regular time of day which further anchors the habit.

Three: We get an almost instant reward for carrying out the behaviour. Our teeth feel clean and nice and we can deliver a good morning kiss without fear of embarrassment.

Can we use these principles to establish other healthy habits? For sure. We need to make sure we cover all three steps.

  1. We deeply believe in why we are doing it.
  2. We make it convenient and easy to carry out
  3. We build in some sort of reward, especially if the activity itself isn’t yet intrinsically rewarding because it takes longer for the benefits to be apparent.

So, a couple of examples:

Habit we want to establish: reduce coffee intake, no coffee after midday

  1. Why: We are not enjoying feeling so wired and want to be able to sleep more soundly.
  2. Ease: We make it convenient by stocking up on a load of herbal teas and good quality decaf coffee in our desk drawer and at home.
  3. Reward: We reward ourselves with a non-food based treat after four days of successfully carrying it out eg. Meet with friends/ new magazine/ night at movies.

Habit we want to establish: increase exercise, a 15 minute walk daily

  1. Why: Moving our body daily is a commitment to future health and vitality, plus a valuable opportunity for downtime and reflection
  2. Ease: We make it convenient by keeping a pair of trainers in the boot of the car /under the desk so we can stop on the way home or scoot out at lunchtime if we miss our intended morning walking time
  3. Reward: We reward ourselves with a non-food based treat after four days of successfully carrying it out.

Don’t underestimate the value of having simple systems set up that support the change you want to effect.

The pair of trainers at work, the yoga mat in the boot of the car, the stash of herbal teas in the desk drawer can all make keeping the habit up as low maintenance as cleaning your teeth. I have a couple of friends who believe that green smoothies are the best way to start the day, but find mornings juggling getting the kids off to school just too frantic to make it happen regularly. One now spends a few minutes on a Sunday doing 5 little ziplock bags of spinach, kiwifruit, apple, etc so that all she has to do on Monday morning is grab the bag out of the fridge and throw the contents straight into the blender, no hassle. Another simply outsources it and has them delivered fresh weekly. Introducing simple systems that support habits can be the difference between them sticking or not.

What simple processes or systems could you put in place to support the healthy habits you want to establish? It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive.

It’s much more about reducing the hassle factor so it’s easier to do it, than to not do it. Just like cleaning your teeth!

 

 

 

Categories
2020 Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love Simplicity and Time Management

5 Things I no longer have time for…

Bet you can’t guess #3!

You can call it a post-Lockdown burst of clarity, or just getting older and wiser…but here are 5 things I have decided I am done with.

Being Done With feels incredibly relieving and I have a real sense of lightness about it – like having a really nice internal spring clean. What is also incredibly pleasing about being Done With 5 things…is that it opens up SO much emotional capacity, physical space and T I M E to do things I really care about.

I hope it might inspire you to do your own list …what are you Done With?

Here are mine for your inspo!

So, good people,  I Am Done With:

  1. Hangovers

So yeah, this is a big one to start with. I’ve been an enthusiastic drinker of alcohol all my adult life. It’s been at the centre of every celebration, commiseration and Friday night since the year dot. It’s been part of the best of times and the worst of times.

My shy, underconfident teenage self used it to make herself feel interesting and to burst through the thick layer of excruciating self-consciousness at house parties. My older self used it to make other people feel interesting at boring dinner and industry parties.

It’s been my constant companion in my ever-changing social setting all my adult life. Not so much the last 10 years or so, but y’know, a few wines a few times a week. A very normal amount. Certainly not a problem amount, just a few wines, like you do.

Then – in October last year – after one too many – I decided to Break Up With Booze. That I was D.O.N.E. For 30 days. But then…here we are in June – and I am STILL DONE! I’ve done sober birthdays, Christmas, black-tie speaking events, weddings, you name it I have done it with nothing stiffer than a soda and twist of lime.

And do you know what’s been the MOST surprising thing about it? After DECADES of social and convivial drinking, the absolute SHOCKER to me as been HOW FREAKING EASY IT HAS BEEN TO JUST STOP.

Just like that. I’ve had a drink on 3 occasions, and that’s IT. Not been drunk at all. Not even tipsy. Essentially, I have raised a few glasses in toast and that’s it.  And it’s been AWESOME.

I LOVE not drinking. I had NO IDEA that would happen. I LOVE having more energy and sparkle. I LOVE how much longer the weekends feel.

It’s taken my breath away how EASY it’s been, and how I have ZERO desire to go back. I’ll have the odd glass a few times a year if I want, or not if I don’t, but that’s it.

I’ve learned a LOT about doing it the easy way, the psychology of embracing a hangover-free life – and I’m going to teach it in a Sober October course later in the year – you can check out my Academy here if you are curious.  It really is about doing it EASY, without force, and I’m excited to teach that in-depth later in the year.

  1. Being Over Busy All The Time

Okay – second thing I am just DONE WITH is Being Busy All The Time. Being that person who is racing from one thing to the next all the time. Feeling like I am never “finished” and that there is always one more post to write, one more of my voluntary commitments that needs attention, something I should be doing for someone, some chore I should be on top of.

I have taken the enforced state of No Obligation during Lockdown to really prune my obligations. It’s meant making some hard decisions about what to let go of and gracefully release. And – do you know what…it’s EXTRAORDINARY!

Getting to the end of the day and feeling a sense of accomplishment that I have created all that I promised myself this day – but – that I am done for the day, and that things are not hanging over me. That there is more time and space to enjoy what I am actually creating (writing this for y’all, for example) rather than just wanting to get it ticked off so I can get onto the next thing.

I teach a concept called Life Maths to my clients and Academy members – and, y’know what people: IT WORKS. Less truly is more. Less obligations, less To Do’s equals more space more depth, more connection, more learning, more enjoyment, more fun. Life is just BETTER.

Doing All The Things  (just because you are capable and you can) is totally overrated, and I am cheerfully Done With It.

Life Maths is included in my 30 Day course Goals With Souls course in the Academy – you can dive in today for just $39 if you want to create more space for what you want in life.

  1. Ironing

Just – nah. Life is too short to iron. I only buy stuff that doesn’t need ironing. And I’ve got rid of my ironing board. Hurrah for me.

  1. Not feeling “cool enough”

I think this has been another benefit of lockdown – because NO ONE has been doing anything, all the FOMO just disappeared for us all. Poof! SO NICE!

It’s made me realise that actually a lot of the things I enjoy – ARE NOT COOL – BUT I DON’T CARE! Yes, I superlove catching up with a friend with an expensive mocktail in a nice bar wearing cute shoes…but …also…I really like switching my brain off and doing a jigsaw. SO uncool – right?! But…I’m done with caring. I like what I like. And I’m all in with it.

Bring on the jigsaws. I’m all about it.

Yoga. Yes, love it. Completely reconnecting with it.

Binging on Personal Development books and courses.

Being coached. Yes yes yes.

  1. 10,000 Steps a Day.

Mmmmm I know, that’s the Gold Standard number of steps we should all be doing every day. And if you are not, you are some sort of sedentary sloth-like loser. Well, y’know what – I am not buying into that anymore. The right number – for me – is 5000.

If I do more than that – that’s a bonus (and most days I do) – but I am not going to let the Steps Police live in my head when they are not aware of all other good stuff I do each day for my body.

I don’t want to feel BAD about my steps – when I am so active in a variety of ways each day that don’t get counted (except by my BODY, which – DUH – is the only ACTUAL place that they DO count!) – and I REFUSE to be held captive to a baseline that was set by a Japanese marketing agency in the ’60s (google it).

10000 steps DOESN’T WORK FOR ME, I am – quite cheerfully – done with it.

We use a much more evolved system in the Wellbeing Warriors Academy which you are welcome to dive into the two 30 Day courses on it, on-demand here called Witness The Fitness, and NEAT Up.

So – that’s my hot 5 things I am done with:

  1. Hangovers
  2. Being Busy All The Time
  3. Ironing
  4. Not feeling “cool” enough
  5. 10000 Steps a Day

What are YOU done with? I’d love to know.

You can find me on Facebook and / Instagram right here:

 

 

And you can work with me daily here.

Categories
2020 Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Love your body Love Your Work Positive Thought Strategy Resilience Self Care and Self Love

Relationships: How to get EXACTLY what you want (at work and home)

Not getting what you want? Look at what you are giving.

Here’s an interesting thing. We are often not getting what we want. We may not be getting the money we feel we deserve. Or the amount of love and affection we want. Or the recognition we want. Or the help and support we need.

Not getting what we want is kinda part of the human condition.

What can we do about it?

Mostly what we do about it is have a nice big fat moan. Right?!

“My boss just doesn’t appreciate me like he should.” “My husband should support me more around the house.” “My mother is never loving towards me.” “My friend is never really interested in what I am doing, she never asks.”

Venting feels good.

It also keeps us focused on what we are NOT getting. The LACK or absence of the thing that we want.

Which doesn’t make much of a difference. If any. The situation will generally just perpetuate. We remain unloved. Disrespected. Undervalued. Unsupported. Whatever.

Here’s the thing: We can’t magically change other people to give us what we want.

We are not in direct control of that.

But, what we ARE in control of is ourselves. And what makes a powerful difference in these situations is to turn the question around. Instead of looking at what we are not getting, look at what we ARE in control of instead – and that is what we are GIVING.

Now I know when you feel hard done by the last thing you want to do is give MORE. I totally get that. And that’s not exactly what I mean. Dig a little deeper.

“If you are not happy with what you are getting –  have a good think about what you are giving.”

When I asked Janelle, who was feeling very let down by her husband for not supporting her fledging business, when was the last time she had demonstrated her support for his work she drew a blank. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had even asked him about his day let alone his work she was so wrapped up in her new project!  She was expecting him to do something for her she wasn’t prepared to do in return. She was, in fact, getting exactly what she was giving. Nothing.

When Polly was seething about her ex-husband continually disrespecting their longstanding childcare arrangements, I asked when she had last demonstrated respect for herself and re-stated her boundaries clearly, calmly and firmly, detailing the consequences of crossing those boundaries – she hadn’t. She was asking him to give her more respect for her boundaries than she was demonstrating to herself. She wanted him to respect what she wasn’t even prepared to respect herself enough to voice out loud.

Caron was fuming that her husband made a comment about how she looked in a particular outfit. When she looked at what she was actually giving in terms of respect to looking after her body and being appreciative of her own body she was hard pressed to answer with any positives at all. She was asking him to love something she was repeatedly saying and thinking was unworthy of love. She wanted him to give her something that was the exact opposite of what she was giving out.

Here’s the thing: We get back what we give.

If we disrespect our own boundaries we should be less surprised that others disrespect them too. If we do not love and appreciate our body we make it harder for others to do so. If we are always looking at how much money we don’t have and give out that message of “not enough” then we are going to get a feeling and a reality of not enough money.

This awareness is a GOOD thing. Because all of this is in our own hands!

We have the power to change up the dynamic and when we change what we give out we will get something different in return.

To paraphrase the great Rolling Stones… You can’t always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes (and look at what you are giving not just at what you are not getting) you might just find, you get what you need.

Don't forget!...

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