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2023 Energy Boosters Happiness Self Care Sunday

This. Is. Real. Self. Care

My whole damn week went TOTALLY sideways this week, and I suspect I am not the only one. If you are in the same boat this Sunday I want you to know: YOU ARE DOING BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE!

​​​​​​​

Your brain defaults to seeing “The Gap” of where you want to be…the chores undone, the emails not replied to, the yoga class not made, the story not read, the kitchen bench not decluttered…you know, The Gap between YOU and Superwoman who is “on top of everything”.

 

This default perspective is unhelpful. Makes us feel bad. We need to consciously direct our brain to “The Gain” instead. The sore knee kissed better. The midday meeting that got an outcome. The lunch boxes were packed. The kindly Good Morning to the elderly neighbour. The bins put out. The swift lunchtime walk. The dentist appointment booked. The twenty six emails that DID get replied to.

 

Look. Life is LIFE. It will NEVER be complete til we are.

 

There will ALWAYS be stuff that’s UNDONE.

 

You can’t use DONE-NESS as your measure of how good your day was.

 

Train your brain to see not The Gap, but The Gain.

 

I promise you: you are doing better than you are judging yourself for.

 

Remove the unattainable yardstick of “done”, you will never reach it anyway.

 

Redirect your attention, and your COMPASSION to give your sweet self a break: I promise you, you are doing better than you think you are.

 

This. Is. Real. Self. Care. #thisisrealselfcare

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2023 Happiness Self belief Self Care Sunday

When “its complicated”

This week, an important perspective to consider in order to keep your mental health high, in these times when people will flake out on you at the drop of a text:

 

No-one is really EVER “too busy” for you.

 

If it’s truly important to them – THEY WILL FIND A WAY.

 

The truth of the matter is:

 

Something or someone else is more important. So, it’s being prioritised. Over you.

 

We say “it’s complicated” but… it’s not.

 

We excuse it under “he/she has got a lot on”

 

But the truth is that they care about something else MORE.

 

It’s literally that simple.

 

Please stop torturing yourself and making excuses for why that date / old friend / colleague keeps flaking on you.

 

They are just not that bothered is all.

 

Go pour your beautiful energy where it’s needed, valued and appreciated.

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2023 Emotional Honesty Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Sorry, really NOT sorry…

What I’d love for you good people to ponder today is this:

 

I’m calling time on saying sorry for sh*t we don’t need to apologise for.

 

Have you noticed how much (especially as women) we tend to over-apologise and say sorry when it’s not actually required?! It’s a weird habit, and one worth revising. Things I am no longer apologising for:

 

  • Not always being available (time, attention and energy are limited, it’s not personal, it’s just freaking MATHS)
  • Prioritising the things that matter (to ME)
  • Not giving an answer right away (it’s ok to think about it)
  • Working at the pace that’s right for me on voluntary projects (it needs to fit in with my life, not the other way round!)
  • When it’s not actually MY FAULT there is an issue! (why the hell am I saying sorry – YOU say sorry!)

 

Forget the bubble bath. This. Is. Real. Self. Care. #thisisrealselfcare

 

What about you, my lovely? What do you want to STOP apologising for? This is a primary  boundary of self-care where we show up for ourselves. I’m all ears. Let me know here.

 

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2023 Resilience Self Care Sunday

ON KIWI RESILIENCE

When I first moved to Auckland, I came across a phrase I had never heard before about solving something with “Number 8 Wire”.  What was that, I wondered?! Once explained and observed, I fell in love with this quirky facet of New Zealand culture. A quality borne out of geographical isolation that deeply embedded into its people the ability to improvise and adapt, to invent and to overcome.

 

No personal or professional problem I ever encountered was beyond the mentality of Kiwi Number 8 Wire. This uniquely powerful aspect of the collective Kiwi psyche is the can-do ability to problem-solve; to create ingenious solutions; to circumvent seemingly insurmountable problems and obstacles someway, somehow. I saw that with this mentality there was, and is, always a solution. Always a way round. Always some sort of cunning solution. Almost everything, it seemed, is figure-out-able with enough Number 8 Wire Mentality.

 

With the atrocious flooding, landslips and earthquakes in recent weeks, I know so many of you are hurting on many levels, caught up in Mother Nature’s powerful web through no fault of your own. We are all also observing the horrendous earthquake on the Syrian-Turkish border and its decimating impact, as well as, of course, the ongoing devastation in the war in Ukraine. The world is an uncertain and brutal place at the moment. Resilience is not just useful, but mandatory.

 

If you have been affected by these awful floods, I know you will be taking heart, as I have, by all the posts of people helping each other, and creating hope and help out of nothing but good old Kiwi Number 8 Wire. I cannot think of a nation who can better look after and get through this awful time – together – than the New Zealander’s. If you have been badly affected, my heart goes out to you. Even if you are a super independent person who is usually the “giver”, please reach out for help. One of the most powerful mantras for life is “give when you can, take when you must”. If this is your time, reach out and I know you will be met with so many helping hands, because there is a line of Number 8 Wire that runs through this nation and its people.

 

For now, here is an article I wrote way-back-when in The New Zealand Herald on 4 strategies to increase your resilience in tough times. It may speak to you (or someone you care about) today.

Kia Kaha

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2023 Emotional Honesty Self Care Sunday

When you helping them is counter productive…

Rejection is something that’s been coming up a LOT lately with clients and Academy members (and so maybe for you too?) Rejection can be a blindsiding yet inevitable part of the human experience. Thinking about how to get past it with more ease took me right back to my first job in London….

 

When I was an eager young sales exec working in newspapers in London, I was trained to ask prospective clients what were called “open-ended questions“. This technique would give me information on their business in order to fully understand their advertising needs and – da-dah! – sell them an ad.

 

Open-ended questions start with how, why, what, where, when. Stuff like “Where do your best customers come from? What was your most successful advertising campaign?” It’s the foundation technique for sales; start with open-ended questions then, as the conversation progresses, narrow it down towards a sale with closed questions which can only be answered with a yes/no response (hopefully), “Do you want an ad?” “Yes, I do“.

I had forgotten this gem of ancient sales wisdom until I had a run of clients who had all experienced some form of rejection – from the mummy mafia, a prospective business partner, a romantic interest and from course mates. They were all very upset, and really stuck in their upset. They just couldn’t figure it out. Why, why, why would someone treat them this way when all they had shown was kindness/friendship/shared business knowledge/love/support?

 

Over and over they turned it in their minds, wrestling with the rejection; the sudden cruel “didn’t see it coming” rejection. They were all very miserable indeed.

 

For some, the rejection had actually happened years and years ago, but yet it was still as fresh as yesterday because they still hadn’t figured out the “why“. Trying to figure out why it had become a habit of thought, why why why has this thing happened to me?

 

Here’s the thing. This endless questioning of the past “Why did he/they/she reject me when I didn’t do anything wrong? What did I do to be treated this way? How long will this rejection last?” etc, are all open-ended questions, but asking them of ourselves can only mean WE go round in circles.

 

There is no satisfactory answer because we don’t have it.

 

Asking these questions in our own mind endlessly compounds the question and just makes us miserable.

 

I have had my share of rejections, including one last year that just floored me. I could not believe that I was being rejected so comprehensively, having given and offered so much. I could barely sleep for the incessant turning it over in my mind.

 

However, that way madness lies. I call it Chasing The Why, and it can be a surefire route to misery.

 

Here’s the thing. We live in a society where science and technology are king and every drama on TV eventually shows us whodunit.

 

We always get to figure out the why. Which is comforting and neat. But in real life, dealing with people, not machines, it’s just not so neat. Sometimes, you will never know why!

 

 

Sometimes we need to get over rejection by giving ourselves the closure that we will never know why, but just that it is.

 

We cannot access the why – it lives in someone else’s head – and they have not been willing to share it. That sucks, but it is what it is. We cannot pin our capacity to move beyond the rejection on someone else giving us closure.

 

Sometimes we need to accept we can be complete with the experience and move on WITHOUT knowing why it happened to us. The fact they have rejected us is enough: all on its own.

 

Maybe you have an old rejection that still hurts that you never got to the bottom of? Most of us do.

 

My best advice is to stop chasing the why. Be okay that you will never know the full story. Know it says a lot more about them than you. Hold your head high and stop looking back.

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2023 Happy People Don't Do Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

When is it okay NOT to be considerate?

Today’s blog is inspired by a few lovely clients and members who have been feeling taken for granted. What can we learn? Let’s dive into an exploration of consideration today…just might ring some bells for you,!

 

I like to think of myself as a considerate person. I expect you do too!

 

I’d like to ask a controversial question today on that topic:

 

When is it okay to stop being considerate? 

 

I think there is a very specific time when this is more than okay:

 

It’s when YOU aren’t being considered. 

 

When there is a consistent pattern that YOU are not being considered or factored in.

(consistent pattern is important, we can all have an off day)

 

I’ve seen it with a number of clients lately

 

Walking on eggshells around a sibling who is routinely dismissive and inconsiderate of their needs, situation and emotions. Not receiving acknowledgement, let alone reciprocity, for their consideration.

 

Trying to please an unpleasable colleague by picking up some of their share of work, which is a favour never returned. The consideration of helping them out taken totally for granted.

 

Supporting a friend’s business in various ways over time, being happy to do it! But realising over many years that there has been exactly zero support of her own equally important business. Realising on closer inspection that lack of consideration indicates it’s not quite the close friendship of value they thought in a number of ways.

 

These examples of a lack of consideration might be SUPER DISAPPOINTING realisations.

 

However, I can promise you, they are good to know.

 

Consideration is part of the social glue of life: it keeps the wheels running smoothly socially, personally, professionally, relationally.

 

Thing is consideration takes time, focus, effort, choice, attention, emotional management, logistical management – it’s a long list.

 

Consideration may be what’s polite but it’s not a free pass

 

And it can be very much taken for granted

 

Pay attention if it’s not being reciprocated

 

Consideration is a two-way street

 

It’s something you can grant with grace

 

And it is something you can also gracefully withdraw

 

That doesn’t mean you need to be as difficult as hell

 

It just means you withdraw the energetic compromise of considering their needs

and emotions equally with (or higher than) your own

 

It’s simply a recalibration of your emotional investment

 

Which you are perfectly entitled to make

 

When is it okay to stop being considerate? 

 

When you are not being considered, my friend.

Categories
2023 Good Enough Self Care Sunday

Are you stuck in a vicious cycle of non-acceptance?

One of the hardest lessons in life is accepting the fact that some situations will never go back to how they were.

The longer we wrestle with trying and wishing we could just “go back” the unhappier we will be. We can get stuck in a vicious cycle of non-acceptance.

Credit: Tiny Buddha

Acceptance of something treasured ending or breaking or changing is one of the hardest leaps in mind and heart.

However peace, hope and new beginnings are on the other side of that acceptance.
Sometimes we can only go forwards.

 

Even if we don’t like it, acceptance is the way

Categories
2022 Energy Boosters Self Care Sunday

7 Things that will change your life

Killer graphic to share with you today showing 7 things that will change your life.

It’s an interesting one as there are many things we THINK will change our life, but then in reality…DON’T.

We think changing our job will change our life, improve our work/life balance etc, but often it DOESN’T because we take our exact same mindset and boundaries and just put them behind a different desk.

We THINK joining that gym will change our body and life, but often it doesn’t because after the initial rush of enthusiasm we DON’T ACTUALLY GO consistently because we haven’t worked out the mindset that led to us not prioritising our wellbeing in the first place.

We THINK that booking a MASSAGE will change our stress and relax us, but it DOESN’T because however strokey-la-la it is and however much whale music is played when we are driving home our mind is STILL worried about the stuff that was stressing us out on the way there.

In short there are a LOT of fixes we think will change our life or our mood BUT DON’T.

What to do? Well, here are 7 things that will genuinely change your life:

  1. How you spend your morning
  2. What you read (hello smart reader of mine!)
  3. How you talk to yourself
  4. What you listen to
  5. The people you hang out with (bonus points if you are in a community like my Coaching Academy)
  6. What you watch
  7. How consistent you are with the things that really matter to you

The good news about these 7 things that will genuinely improve your life?

They are ALL under our own DIRECT CONTROL. We don’t need anyone else’s input or a particular circumstance to happen.

We can start improving one (or all of them) ANY TIME. We can just start.

Changing life for the better is available to us in every moment.  Our timing. Our control.

What’s ONE of those 7 things you could take action on today?

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2022 High Energy Happiness Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Adulting is mainly….THIS!

Doncha just love this meme? 

It’s funny because we all know it rings true.

Thing is, shouldn’t adulting be more than this?!

More than the “daily grind”.

We have totally normalised tiredness in our culture.

Filed permanently pushing through each day under “it is what it is”.

Accepting that being knackered and endlessly juggling balls is just the way life is.

Thing is, being tired all the time is NOT normal. 

Being tired is NOT (repeat not!) a sign to get another flat white.

Continual tiredness is NOT NORMAL.

It is a sign to look at your boundaries and your priorities. 

Easier to just get an espresso and ignore the big questions and the messages from our body, I know…

I did that. For years and years and yeeeears. Ended up descending into a hellish burnout that meant I was bedridden for four months and couldn’t work AT ALL for over a year. I couldn’t in fact do any effective adulting for over  a year. Wowsers.

(You can read all about this in my Penguin published book High Energy Happiness, and get a copy delivered to your door if you like 😊)

Ignoring my continual tiredness was a very expensive mistake! Hiding my tiredness in caffeine was okay short-term but disastrous long term. It was really counterproductive adulting. I had no idea there was another way to do life. I just did what I had always done. And that’s what I know many of you will do. You will start 2023 all full of excitement and good intentions, but you will end the year on your knees physically and emotionally exhausted, like every damn year.

There is another way. 

If you are living life from one coffee to the next, I’d love to invite you to think about doing adulting differently in 2023 and have me as your coach.

We will be opening the doors to my Coaching Academy where we will be coaching on those boundaries and priorities in a supported environment at New Year. I’d love to help you do adulting differently next year. You can waitlist right here.

If you are feeling knackered, it’s affecting your adulting, and you want to see where you are on the 7 Stages of Tiredness you can download that for free here. It’s pretty illuminating, and I wish I had known this information before I burned myself out completely! ​​​​​​​

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2022 4 Dimensional Wellness Happiness Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Change The Game ✨⁠

This random quote I came across nails everything I believe about wellbeing, and inspired me to offer you a lovely freebie too (link is at the end to grab it, just read on!)

 

Physical wellbeing is *obviously* really important.⁠

But it is often given far higher importance than our emotional, mental and spiritual health and wellbeing.⁠

The interesting thing is that when we attend to our mental, emotional and spiritual health we start to feel comfortable in our own skin in a way we may never have done: and that becomes the foundation for almost effortless physical health choices.⁠

Those diets that stop, start, stop, start: you just start to eat healthy ongoing because you want to.⁠ It stops being hard, and becomes the obvious choice.⁠ Do the deep work and see it click into place.

That exercise habit wagon you have fallen on and off time and time again? You don’t need another 30-Day miracle boot camp promising you the world or a gym membership that lapses and you feel guilty about; you need to attend to your boundaries, learn why you self-sabotage and exactly how to stop it and, guess what…then you’ll exercise regularly because you want to, because it’s just what you do. No fuss. No struggle.⁠ Do the deep work and see it click into place. 

That crazy lack of rest and downtime, running on empty and lack of balance? Do the deep work and watch that fall into place without you trying. Start honouring your mind and body with appropriate self-care without force or guilt.⁠

If you are O.V.E.R. doing the same thing, listening to the same old promises, falling on and off the same ole wagon with the same ole excuses…⁠

Do. Something. Different.⁠

Learn how to take care of your wellbeing – emotional, mental and spiritual FIRST – and watch your physical wellbeing fall into place.⁠

Do. Something. Different. For. You.⁠

 

Do the deep work and see it click into place.

Something that the woman in the mirror will thank you for.⁠

You want change?⁠

You want to look different?⁠

Feel different?⁠

 

Then do different.

 

Do the deep work.

Change. The. Game.

 

PS. Want to do a little deep work: here is a LOVELY FREEBIE from me to you, and it’s the PERFECT TIME OF YEAR TO DO IT. Download my 7-Step Life Review Workbook here, grab a cuppa and a pen and dive in. Insight into what makes you tick awaits. For you. For fuh-ree. With my love!

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