Tag: feeling states

The luckier I feel and the luckier I act, the luckier I get

Post author By Support Elf
Post date May 13, 2014
No Comments on The luckier I feel and the luckier I act, the luckier I get

I am secretly a Harry Potter junkie. I love what J K Rowling has achieved. I love that her first advance was just $1500 and she was rejected by over a dozen publishers. I love that she had faith in what she was doing and that she is now worth gazillions. I love that she has encouraged children away from the PlayStation and rekindled a love of books.

One of my favourite bits is in HP and The Half Blood Prince. Harry wins a vial of highly coveted Liquid Luck “one sip and all your endeavors will succeed”. When he uses it he weaves his way artfully through a seemingly impossible situation because “ I’ve got a good feeling …this is the right thing to do…” even when the actions he is taking seem inexplicable to all around him, including himself.

What I find even more fabulous is when Harry pretends to put the Liquid Luck into Ron’s drink before an important Quidditch (sorry, broomsticks etc, I know, bear with me) game. Ron thinks the Liquid Luck is coursing through his veins, his nerves dissipate and he plays the game of his life. Fearless, inspired, audacious, going for shots that he would never have ordinarily attempted. What makes the difference is that he has the belief that he cannot fail. He just trusts his instincts and lets fly. He plays big.

Of course nothing has really changed, it’s just the belief in his own abilities and that he simply cannot fail that’s changed. It’s not a change in circumstance or skill, merely a change in belief and hence attitude.

I like to remember this when I am launching a new project of some sort. What would I do, how would I feel if I thought failure was impossible? If I had drunk the Liquid Luck, how would I behave? It inspires me to play bigger, to take risks and to try new things. It allows me to act much more on gut instinct…what just feels like the right thing to do? Even if it seems illogical. What if I simply couldn’t fail?

Have a think about any area of your life where you are playing small. Imagine you have some Liquid Luck on call that with “one sip and all your endeavors will succeed”. How would you act, what would you try/do/be if you knew you simply couldn’t fail. If you knew everything would go your way? What would you dare to do to play bigger?

The secret of course is that you don’t need the Liquid Luck to make that happen. You just need to tap into that lucky feeling and play big.

There is a famous Thomas Jefferson quote that says “I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more I have of it”.

I disagree. I don’t think luck is purely dependent on hard work. I think its mainly about state of mind. I also think it’s a bit more magical than the Jefferson suggests! I prefer Tennessee Williams attitude “Luck is believing you’re lucky”

My philosophy is “The luckier I feel and the luckier I act, the luckier I get”.

Try it. Feel Lucky. Play Big.

Tags challenging beliefs, decision making, feeling states, luck

Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy

“Don’t worry … be happy now”

Post author By Support Elf
Post date April 29, 2014
No Comments on “Don’t worry … be happy now”

“ I am worried that if I lose the weight then I won’t be able to keep it off”.

“I’m worried that if I take that big scary promotion that I will be not good enough when I am doing the new job”.

“I’m worried that if I go travel that I will worry about being safe all the time”

“I’m worried about starting yoga? What if I can’t keep up? I worry I’ll be comparing myself to all the bendy people all the time and hate it”

Just a few things that I have heard from clients and students recently.

What?!

People. Listen Up.

Worrying about being worried?

Worrying about being worried at some point in the future?

Worrying full stop?

Worrying is a pointless activity.

Worrying is focusing on a fear that is not currently present. It’s worrying about a thing that may or may not happen later.

Most of the time it doesn’t even happen, but all that mental energy, emotional energy and headspace is gone, you can’t get that back. Those hours and minutes are gone.

And here’s another thing. Worrying actually makes the thing you are worrying about more likely to happen.

Yes that’s right.

Worrying actually makes the thing you are worrying about more likely to happen.

How?

Well firstly worry makes you filter. Filtering is selective awareness of what’s going on around you. Our brain is built to filter because otherwise we couldn’t cope with the sheer volume of information around us. Here’s an example of filtering. I got a new car a few years ago. Consigning the small green money pit on wheels to history (side note to all: do not ever buy a Holden Barina) I wasn’t that fussed about what we got as long as it was small enough I could park it (ie. v small) and that it wasn’t another unreliable money eating machine. I settled on a blue Mazda 3. Never really seen one before but it ticked all the boxes and we got a good deal. Then, when driving about in the shiny new blue Mazda 3 a funny thing happened. They are EVERYWHERE! Blue Mazda 3’s? Every third car is a blue Mazda 3. So many in fact that twice I tried to get into the wrong parked car ( der…that’s why I now have a flag of St Pirran (patron saint of Cornwall where I am from) on the back window to stop me doing that). Blue Mazda 3’s are super common but I honestly had never noticed one before I bought one, then I see them everywhere. Why? Filtering. My brain is filtering for the thing I put my attention on so I see it everywhere.

It’s how the brain works. So, if you are worrying on a thing, you are actually far more likely to find evidence for it as you have primed your brain to search for it. That makes worries far more likely to become real.

Reason number 2 that worrying makes the thing you don’t want more likely to happen is basic Law Of Attraction. The more you thoughts you put out there by continually worrying and thinking about a scenario you don’t want the more likely the universe is to energetically bring that back to you. That might be too woo-woo for you but I can assure you that it’s the truth. The Universe is programmed to bring you what you want. And it assumes that what you want is what you think about all the time. Worrying is a repetitive thought pattern. Hence that’s what you are far more likely to get.

So, whether you like the brain science filtering explanation or the more woo-woo Law Of Attraction one you can see that worrying is bad.

Worrying is meditating on the thing you don’t want to happen.

So, stop it! Decide what you DO want to happen, however unlikely that might seem, and focus your thoughts and energy on that positive repetitive thought pattern.

You can change up your thoughts. It takes a conscious decision to do so, to quit worrying and focus on what you want to see instead rather than what you don’t.

It will make a HUGE difference to how enjoyable your day is and the outcome of the thing.

Decide one thing right now you are going to quit worrying about. Write it down. Then write down what you would love to have happen instead. Focus your attention on that and trust that the universe will bring it to you. Claim back that worry space in your mind for better things.

Have an awesome worry free day.

Tags decision making, destress, feeling states

Self Care and Self Love

Nine Self Care Essentials to Keep You Feeling Good in Mind, Body and Spirit

Post author By Support Elf
Post date April 22, 2014
4 Comments on Nine Self Care Essentials to Keep You Feeling Good in Mind, Body and Spirit

Here are 9 tools and tricks that I use daily/weekly/ to keep me feeling good in mind, body and spirit. When I put this list together what amazed me was how simple and low cost these things are but that I only used to do one (one!) of them a few years ago. Back then I was working like a dog in corporate and got to a point of being seriously ill with Adrenal Fatigue. Go figure. I am willing to bet if I had prioritized this sort of simple stuff that I would never have got sick. Of course that speaks volumes about the difference in my state of mind!

Now I prioritise self-care. I don’t perceive it as selfish. I think it’s my responsibility to take good care of myself so that I am strong and well enough to go out and do my work in the world. Many people, women especially (and mums especially!) equate self–care with being self-ish. Know this. It’s not! You can’t take care of anyone if you are not taking care of yourself.

Agreeing with myself that self-care is a priority and my responsibility to make happen means that I can follow through on all the below WITHOUT GUILT. That’s crucial. Guilt kills self care, and self care ain’t selfish.

I hope these inspire you and would love to hear your recommendations on what you do to take care of your wellbeing. Please share in the comments session at the end. I have listed all my sources and recommendation of practitioners, gadgets etc that I recommend in case you want to integrate some of these into your self care schedule.

MIND

1. A Diary system that support self care

I have a google calendar that syncs with my i-phone so I can diarise in self care appointments. I make them and I keep them. If I don’t schedule it, it doesn’t happen. Something “more important” will come up. Scheduling helps me avoid falling into this trap as it makes the choice very clear. Either I can do this thing that has just come up or I can do the self care I decided was an overall priority for me.

2. Consciously creating “white space”

This is structured time when I am not taking in other people’s energy or information. Coaching and teaching are really energy intensive and I find that committing to a minimum of 15 minutes of “white space” to myself each day that I am not talking, reading, online, tv or whatever but just quiet time makes a huge difference to my mental wellbeing. It can be easy meditation, or walking, or even a long hot bath, but the key is creating an energy neutral environment to recharge for 15 minutes a day. It’s a good one to try and see how it works for you.

3. Coaching

I self coach ALL THE TIME and a have a coach who I work with to make sure I am keeping on track and not staying stuck in negative energy or in stuck situations in my personal or business life. She’s awesome, and it keeps my mind clear and my soul settled.

BODY

1. Eat Gluten Free

When I first found out I was gluten intolerant over a decade ago it was a massive pain in the arse. No-one had heard or it and I felt like a freak. Now it’s SO easy to eat gluten free and it keeps my body working properly. There is a huge gluten free range at I E Produce on Barry’s Point Road, but to be honest even the local Countdown does a good selection these days. There is even bread that tastes like bread which believe me is a major progression in gluten free technology. Hell, you can even get really good GF pizza from Hell Pizza and Burger Fuel also offer a GF bun.

Our bodies are not built to metabolise the enormous volume of processed wheat that we eat these days. Even people that are not gluten intolerant can find a huge benefit to reducing the amount of gluten in their diet. It will do wonders for your energy and it’s nowhere near as hard as you think!

2. Regular massage and physio maintenance

I kind of resisted this form of self care as I thought, huh, that’s a lot of money. It was sporadic at best and I would wait until I was really stiff or in pain to book an appointment. Once I turned the big four-oh last year I revisited this and decided that actually it was an investment in myself I wanted to make and so I have regular scheduled “body work”. A monthy massage with the very awesome Trish at Wellbeing Massage for Women (SO good, 90 minutes of bliss) and a monthly maintenance appointment with my awesome physio Rachael at Flexaclinic who keeps my back, knees and so on all working as they should as we head of any problems early.

3. Move my body

Self care is moving my body daily. I commit to doing what the US Life Coach Brooke Castillo calls a “minimum baseline” of 15 minutes per day of SOMETHING. It can be a yoga class ( I have these diarized, Mon, Thur and Sat) it can be circuit class ( Tue and Wed) it can be a swim or a walk or some personal yoga practice. Most of the time I do more than the 15 minutes of course, but each day no matter how busy I am I make sure I find 15 minutes for my minimum baseline. Having sat on my backside behind a desk for two decades I am now committed to moving my body regularly as part of my self-care priority. You know you can do 15 minutes, even it its walking out of the office at lunchtime to the sushi shop that’s round the block and back. Once you commit to this minimum baseline you will be amazed at how you can build in a commitment to move each day quite easily. Note it’s a commitment to “move my body” not “exercise”. One sounds a bit scary and off putting the other does not.

SOUL

1.Eating free range

This is really important to me. I was vegetarian for a number of years as per the traditional yogic diet but I found it very hard in terms of balancing my blood sugar and energy levels. A more workable solution for me is ethically sourced meat. It so readily available these days that there really is no excuse for contributing to pigs being reared in cages or other equally horrendous practices. If you haven’t been up to the Birkenhead Butcher on Mokoia Road for a while, go check it out, its changed hands and Grant the new butcher has the most amazing range of quality free range meats. I feel good about supporting a great local business and farmers who are doing the right thing morally and ethically.

2. Move Like Jagger

Do you have an i-phone? If so get the app “Shazam”. It’s free and it is AWESOME. Basically it somehow magically listens to the radio and tells you what song you are listening to and then there is a button to buy it from i-tunes. Tunes you haven’t heard for years you can just get at your fingers tips just like that. I just love it. I like to sing badly but loudly in the car and Shazam means that I always have new (or old, old new, you know what I mean) playlists. Music raises my spirit and lifts my soul almost instantly. I can get in the car in a grump and then put on Moves Like Jagger and I am on top of the world. The amount of pleasure it brings me in self-care is easily worth the twenty buck or so I spend on i-tunes in a month.

3. Date Nights

Nothing makes my soul sign like time with my husband. It’s absolutely essential for my wellbeing. No teaching on a Wednesday night so it’s date night. We take it in turns to organize it and whether its dinner or the comedy club or fish and chips on the beach with a bottle of wine it’s the highlight of my week.

Okay, that’s my nine favourite ways I take care of my mind, body and soul. Nothing on this list is a big financial commitment or takes long to implement but they all keep me feeling great. It’s my list and I am sure yours will look very different. The key is what I talked about at the beginning: the commitment to guilt free self care.

I would love to hear what you prioritise for your self-care. Share your favourites in the comments section below!

Tags decision making, feeling states, flexible thinking

Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

Magic Words for Grown-Ups

Want to transform your work or home life with just four little words? Well, it’s easy…just Say What You Mean. Be aware of what you need, what works for you and what doesn’t and actually voice it. Say. What. You. Mean. So simple yet so many of us struggle with it and hope someone will read our mind.

It’s a key concept to master. Had I thought it through at the time it would have saved me from wasting an hour and a half of my life that will never return watching the movie ‘The Book Of Eli’ (have you seen it? Don’t. It’s truly terrible. Why Denzel, why?) and chosen something I really wanted to see. Why didn’t I do that? Because I had forgotten this simple principle that makes life a whole lot easier and more fun.

It sounds almost too simplistic to be true but so many people have issues with this concept. I know: I’ve been there myself, and I help clients with it every day. It’s very easy to get trapped in a weird kind of socially acceptable Double Think where our own needs are always at the end of the To Do list after everyone else has had their desires taken care of. If we are constantly at the end of our own To Do list we feel resentful and tired. We can also get expert in passively aggressively expressing that resentment which isn’t good for anyone.

Moving ourselves up our own To Do list can be breaking the habit of a lifetime. The main reasons I see clients avoiding doing this is because of the following misconceptions:

My needs are less important than my children/spouse/boss/cat
He/She should be able to know what I need/would make me happy
If I say what I mean there will be conflict and it will be horrible

What this boils down to is:

Completely illogically thinking that other people’s needs are more important than our own. How can that be? It makes no sense. Our needs are equally as important as any another human being.
Expecting our spouse, friends and colleagues to be mind readers: which of course they are not. A sure fire recipe for disappointment.
Assuming that there will be conflict if we voice our needs. Actually in reality generally other people welcome the clarity and direction.

If you could do with a little more in your life that really pleases you try working through 4 easy steps:

Say: this is key…you need to actually voice it. Yes, that’s out loud. Take responsibility for your needs and voice what’s on your mind. You don’t need to be aggressive, just calmly state what’s important to you. Stop expecting everyone else to be a mind reader.

What: be specific. How can anyone really help or support you if they don’t understand exactly what it is that will make you happy? Instead of something vague ‘ I’d like it if I could choose a movie I liked for once’ be specific ‘I’d like to choose the movie on Saturday night this week’.

You: this is often the biggest stumbling block. After so many years of putting the needs of your spouse, children or workplace before your own it can be hard to actually tune into the fact that a) you have a need/preference yourself and b) it matters. Remember: your needs are equally as important as anyone else’s.

Mean: you don’t need to be mean but you do need to mean it! Let go of the false assumption that Saying What You Mean will always lead to conflict. You will be surprised how little it does. As you get more of what you want in your life you will find that you resent less of the things that don’t go your way or that you compromise on.

So, start small…speak up with the accounts department and say when you would like the report and that you think that’s a reasonable request; choose the restaurant that you really want to go to; take turns to pick the movie; say no to the party you just really don’t want to attend. I challenge my clients to Say What They Mean once a day as they start to break the habit of constantly deferring their own needs. It’s a fascinating process…the first few times they SWYM with utter trepidation waiting for the sky to fall. Then, the sky doesn’t fall, but spooky, they actually start getting What They Asked For most of the time! They find people like to please them for a change, and before you know it they are accelerating way past the once a day challenge without prompting. Why? Because life becomes easier, more fun, less resentful, when we own what we need to make us happy. They have more energy. Their spouses are happier because they can stop the guessing game of ‘what will keep her happy’. Life becomes a whole lot easier all round.

Will you get what you want every time? Absolutely Not. (Not unless you are Paris Hilton). But sure as hell will get it a lot more that you do when you don’t Say What You Mean. Start embracing these four simple little words and the balance of life will start to shift in your favour immediately.

Tags decision making, feeling states, Say What You Mean, wasted time

Relationships Uncategorized

How not to let the break up break you: How to live happily ever after

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 24, 2014
No Comments on How not to let the break up break you: How to live happily ever after

two padlocks with together forever writen as concept for eternal love isolated and with clipping path

Is it a fairy tale or can we make it fact in our lives? I don’t think we can “make it” fact (we can’t “make” anything be anything really) but I think we can go a long way in terms of creating a fantastic environment for it to flourish long term.

Viewing marriage like a garden I think is a great analogy. For your garden to flourish and look good all year round it needs to be weeded, watered and maintained regularly, not just one big blitz once a year. I think it’s the same with marriage, if we expect one holiday or special weekend away a year to keep it running smoothly we are going to be disappointed. Weeds will have grown in the cracks. Some things will have grown and taken over, sucking up to much water. Other aspects will have died in their wake.

Gardening is a “little and often” activity, and so is marriage. It creates the space and environment for it to grow in a way that is actively nurtured, not just left to it’s own devices. It’s very easy, especially when children enter the equation or work is full-on, for the marriage to be the gardening that always gets put off for another day when the sun shines and there is more time. And that’s where I see couples who have grown apart or taken each other for granted. I did this myself (I got married first time at 23) and it’s bloody easy to do. By consistently prioritising something more fun that gardening (my rapidly accelerating career) we grew so far apart that no machete could clear a way through the jungle that had grown up over the years. And I can look back now and see that was something I (and we) chose each day without realising it. Very sad.

So as I say I think it’s a case of creating an environment, through regular nourishing and maintenance (after the exciting phase of the new garden has worn off!) that you can both grow in together. Here are some of my gardening tips:

1. Kiss often.

Kiss Good night. Kiss Hello. Kiss for so reason at all. Keep connecting in the way that marks this relationship as different from all others. This is the only person you kiss in THAT way, so do it often!

Question: when was the last time you kissed. Meaningfully not just a peck on the cheek? ___________________________. You know what action to take here!

2. Know Your Love Languages.

Different people show love in different ways. Love can come in the form of checking your tyres, oil and water in your car or ironing a shirt. It’s called a “gift of service”. Love can also come in the form of words. Or touch. Or time. In Gary Chapman’s eponymous book “The Five Love Languages” he explores and defines the different languages of love. You can do a very cool little test in fact right here to discover your own profile.

Why is this important? Knowing your style and preference, AND that of your partner, how they are similar and how they are different means for better communication and better prioritization. You recognize love when it is expressed each day, even if it doesn’t look how you thought it might or you wanted it to. Often I see clients who think there is no expression of love in their lives, but actually it is there, it’s just they are speaking a different love language. Highly recommend you BOTH do this work!

Action Step: take the “The Five Love Languages” test or read the book. Find out how your personal languages are similar and different. Learn to speak in the language of your beloved and educate them in yours.

3. Sex is marriage glue.

Sex is glue that binds a relationship and that makes it different from all others. It’s a primal drive. It’s important. It’s easy to deprioritize it, and the more we do that the less of it we want so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Respect the natural ebbs and flows of desire but do not underestimate the power of sex as glue to bind something tightly, or to bind something else tightly. Flirt. Kiss. Have sex. Make time. Make effort. Sex is glue.

Action Step: make time, make effort, make love.

4. Keep listening.

It’s really easy in the vortex of the business that is life to only really connect over the big stuff. To kind of stop listening once agreement on the chores or the school pick up has been agreed. When you know each other so well it’s easy to skip everything else out. Keep looking with fresh eyes, what would someone who had never met your partner before see and hear? What is fascinating about them NOW. Who are they now? How are they growing and evolving. What can you see that’s new or different? Listen with new ears.

Action Step: find out something NEW about your beloved. Ask good and new questions. Be curious and open-minded.

5. Prioritise time together, just the two of you.

Whether that’s dinner at home with no phones on, or a regular date night, or a weekend away quarterly, find a rhythm of regular contact that is dedicated time for the two of you to connect, and lock it in the schedule. Get the babysitter block booked a month in advance. Make it a priority. Plan it in. Lock it in. Make it the priority it is.

Action Step: prioritise regular connection (gardening!) time for this week.

6. Cherish. Cherish. Cherish.

Love is rare. And incredible. And robust. Yet fragile. Cherish it when you find it. You can cherish by making time. You can cherish by making effort. You can cherish with your words. With your actions. By what you DON’T choose to put in your day and well as what you do. “Love” is a verb as well as a noun. It’s a description of what you have but unless it’s also a consistent action then it will be fragile. Cherishing is the doing of love. Not just being in love, but the doing of it. Cherishing is the journey of a happy partnership. Cherish. Cherish. Cherish.

Action Step: think of three ways right now you can show your beloved that you cherish them. What is something you could say? Do? Create? Little things are just as valuable as big things. Be creative!

And that my darlings is the end of our mini-series on relationships! Hope you enjoyed, I have loved reading your comments on Facebook. Want a recap? We covered:

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Part Three: Should you stay friends after?

Part Four: 7 ways to be happily single

Part Five: How to know if he/she is the one

Tags feeling states, joy, Relationships

Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: How to know if he/she is the one

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 24, 2014
No Comments on How not to let the break up break you: How to know if he/she is the one

Very annoyingly the Smug Marrieds did appear to be onto something when they told me “You’ll just know when you know”. “But….how?????” I would bleat. “How can I be sure…really sure, 100%”. Well the fact I was asking that is actually evidence of my unsurity and the “not rightness”. It turns out that when you know you know and you don’t need anyone else’s confirmation, validation, or stamp of approval that you are on the right track. You do just “know”. Annoying, but true. I had to kiss far too many frogs to figure this out, so here are some other signs that you are in the presence of The One that are a little more tangible than “you just know”.

1. He/She is your safe place. You feel safe, even if you argue you still know you are safe.

2. You can be yourself. You feel like you are the best version of yourself when they are around.

3. They are not trying to change you. They love you just as you are. They are also open to you growing and evolving

4. You are not trying to change them. You love them just as you are. You are also open to them growing and evolving.

I want this to be a longer list, But you know, I don’t think that’s possible. Here’s the thing. You are either a fit or you are not. And we waste so much energy trying to make something be a fit when it isn’t. Because we have invested so much in it, or because we so much want it to be “it”. Or they really, really want us to be “it”. But wanting it to be “it” and it being “it” are different things. Trying to put a round peg in a square hole is a lot of effort to keep convincing yourself on a daily basis that a circle is a square. And eventually the truth will out. We can only suspend our disbelief for so long. So it really does come down to that indefinable feeling state after all. It’s not a checklist. There is nothing to be checked off. When it’s it, you will know it: recognise it immediately. Why? Because, quite simply, “it” feels like home.

How not to let the break up break you –

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Part Three: Should you stay friends after?

Part Four: 7 ways to be happily single

Tags feeling states, Relationships

Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: 7 ways to be happily single

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 24, 2014
No Comments on How not to let the break up break you: 7 ways to be happily single

Full disclosure: I absolutely believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Not a “I’ll settle” person, not a “that’s who is left so they’ll do” or a “that’s the best I can do” or “it’s better than being alone” person. But Mister or Ms. Right. Mister or Ms, Perfect Fit. Call me totally sentimental and a hopeless romantic but I believe this absolutely completely true. There is someone for everyone. Every teapot has its lid. They may be a long time making themselves known but they are out there.

So, if you have been working through this series you have had the cleanest and most compassionate breakup you can, you have processed the emotions that came with that and you are ready for the next chapter:

1. Single can be a lot of fun. No-one stealing the duvet or leaving wet towels on the floor or hogging the remote. You get to have life your way, all the time. It’s actually pretty damn liberating. You get back in touch with what your preferences really are when you are not compromising or bending them to fit around someone else. Very good for the soul. Very, very good. Once you get over the shock of the breakup it can actually be the most delicious feeling of freedom.

2. It’s a great time to reassess what you want from life and to focus on YOU. Reassess your goals and dreams. Download the free How to be a Time Ninja booklet and get a handle on that clarity right now.

3. New You. New Chapter. New Look. Cant emphasise enough how helpful and healing it is in the newly single phase to have a massive clear-out and de-clutter. Out with the old and in with the new. Not just the house either, get a new haircut, some new threads, give yourself a mini-makeover. You look better: you feel better. Fact.

4. Put your “Brave Wings” on. Get out there. Apparently over a third of people meet their new partner online. But that still leaves a huge amount who meet offline in the traditional boy meets girl in bar scenario. Or the longing glances over the photocopier at work. Getting out and about by strapping your “Brave wings” firmly on is scary but when the time is right don’t hesitate. Expanding your social circle. Being open the new experiences. Get out and about.

5. Open energy. Can’t emhasise this enough. One thing I know for sure is that when you evaluate every first date on the “will they walk down the aisle/have children” criteria before the coffee cup is even emptied on Date One then it’s a recipe for failure. It somehow pushes needy energy out out, which pushes away the thing we really want. Try and just focus on the conversation, having fun, and letting things unfold naturally rather than coming from a place of trying to force something into a particular direction. It’s an energy thing. The Universe will send you Mister or Ms. Right when you are in an energetic state of abundance around love, intimacy and companionship.

6. Don’t get stuck in “why not me?” energy. You know the thing, when you are single and all you seem to see is couples in café’s holding hands. Every bit of post is a wedding invitation. It’s very, very easy, and I speak from experience, to get sucked into “poor me” and “why not me?” and to take every sight of loving coupled -upness as confirmation of how unloved and alone we are. Please try and flip the filter and see those loving couples not as a reinforcement of your aloneness but as EVIDENCE that true love exists, everywhere! That love is literally all around. That you can tap into it. That it’s abundant and available.

7. Know when it’s right and know when it’s wrong. Next weeks post all about knowing when its right. When you have found “The One”. For this week though be mindful not to settle when it’s wrong. You know when it’s wrong. You don’t need me to tell you. You can feel it. You know it. You cab feel it in your gut and your heart. So don’t let words in your head whispering “lonely” and “left on the shelf” override the good sense and truth you can feel deep down. Keep the faith. Choose you.

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Part Three: Should you stay friends after?

Tags decision making, feeling states, Relationships

Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: should you stay friends after?

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 24, 2014
No Comments on How not to let the break up break you: should you stay friends after?

This is a juicy one, no? Lots of arguments for and against. In essence of course it depends on the individual dynamic involved, and also, if you have children together where it’s less of a choice and more of a necessity. On balance if you don’t have kids I tend to come down on the side of “no contact”. Here’s why:

1. It’s harder to move on when you stay in contact.

I see so many clients who are stuck from moving into the glorious future that awaits them because they can’t bear to completely let go. Basically, the longer contact is drawn out the more the misery is prolonged. It’s like waxing. If the beautician peeled the wax strip of a few millimeters at the time it would be prolonged agony before you get defuzzed. But no, she whips that strip off in one swift decisive snap. Yes it smarts and the eyes water but, it’s all over in a few moments. If there is going to be pain, and in a breakup that’s kinda inevitable, it can either be dragged out or short and sharp.

2. Do not try and get over them by getting under them.

You know what I am saying! Break-Up sex is very, very rarely a good idea.

3. When you stay in contact you can be energetically “blocking” the relationship space in your life from someone new.

Not good. Opening up that space with clean clear energy makes it much more likely that you will subsequently attract Mr. or Ms. Right. Fact. Open up the space for something better.

4. The whole “lets just be friends” thing.

You know sometimes ”Let’s just be friends” can often be offered as come sort of consolation prize. It’s just a way of assuaging guilt over the breakup, either yours or theirs. You know what: don’t you already have enough friends? You didn’t get into the relationship to be friends did you? It was a romantic relationship, so if it’s not that any longer then do you want some sort of consolation prize? You deserve more than that sugar.

5. Staying friends can be really painful if they move on quicker than they do.

If you see the new girlfriend/boyfriend, or they go on to marry the next person they date, or you are seeing all the fabulous stuff they are up to in Facebook. It’s becomes a mechanism to keep triggering pain. Much better not to surely?

When there are kiddies involved its clearly much more complicated. Things to think about:

1. Can you keep contact polite yet transactional?

Take the emotion out. Keep it to times for drop off and pick up and so on. One couple I know have a note book that gets handed back and forth with their son. In the book they write details on his sleep, eating and so on. It means they can be consistent with their parenting boundaries (no sweets before dinner) but not have to have endless back and forth conversations. It keeps it transactional but ensures their child gets the most consistent parenting their situation allows.

2. Get the tricky stuff done through a third party.

Let a lawyer take care of the tough conversations so you can make the day to day as workable as possible.

3. Get the important stuff in writing.

Payments to be made to what account, for how much and when. Who is paying for the school uniforms etc. It’s much easier to do this thoroughly once (subject to periodic review) than fight every battle on an ‘as and when’ basis. Set your boundaries and re-enforce them on a consistent basis.

4. Obviously you know this one, you put the needs of the kids first.

Keep it as clean as you can. And drop the guilt, you are doing the best you can for them in a difficult situation. Guilt does not enhance what is already tricky, so let it go. You are doing your best honey, that’s all anyone can ask. Use that emotional energy for good instead.
So, ultimately this is a really mixed question. To stay in contact or not? I have a number of clients who have a great relationship with their ex, and they are still a part of their lives. I have many, many more who wish they broke off contact many years previously because that continued contact has held them back and ultimately caused them so much more pain. And I have many parents doing their best to manage the juggle of children between them with good grace and good humour. None of these options is easy! Choosing to do what feels clean and healthy for you is the way to go. It’s about what’s healthy for YOU (if there are no kids involved). If you don’t want to stay friends, don’t. Wish each other well, make some subtle shifts to your social circle and don’t look back.

Need a recap of the series so far? Here you go;

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Next Week: 7 ways to be happily single

What do you think? Please comment, sharing really is caring, over on Facebook. I LOVE your comments!!!

Tags feeling states, Relationships

Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 24, 2014
No Comments on How not to let the break up break you: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

1. Lordy this can be very hard, especially if it comes totally out of the blue.

I am so sorry honey-child. I just want you to know though that you are far better out of a relationship if the other person doesn’t actually want to be in it with you. The fact of the matter is, they had a choice: they could have chosen you, but …they didn’t. They didn’t choose you. It’s hard I know but that is the truth. So, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t choose you? Would you put up with that in a regular friendship? Someone who would rather be on their own or with another friend than you? Hell no. So, accept that a choice has been made, you don’t need to agree with it, but you do need to accept it. They could have chosen you, but, they didn’t. Tough, but true. Acceptance is the first step forward in terms of moving on.

2. Beware the passive aggressive breakup.

When the other person withdraws or acts in such a way that they almost force you to break up with them because they haven’t got the guts to do it themselves, you can feel it happening. If someone is too cowardly to actually own their own feelings and break up with you then they are not worthy of you! Not worthy do you hear me! Recognise when you are being broken up with without them actually doing the deed. Realise you don’t want to be with someone that weak. Be brave, do the deed and move on.

3. Happily Single is FAR better than unhappily coupled up.

Please don’t be scared to be “on your own”. You can create a full and fun life and fill it with what suits and pleases you, much much better than slogging on in a relationship you (or they) know is wrong. A period of time on your own can actually be very healthy, empowering and above all clarifying. You get to figure out what you really need, want and desire. What’s essential, what’s negotiable. Pleeeeeease don’t try to stay with someone who treats you badly because you are too scared to go solo for a while.

4. Someone breaking up with you might be a good thing in disguise.

You won’t be able to see it now but later, down the track, maybe years hence, you might be able to see that it was the right thing. That if it hadn’t happened you wouldn’t be the person you are with the situation you have today. I know this is almost impossible to see when you are in it. But, trust me, it’s the truth. There is a whole post on just this right here: This shouldn’t be happening to me.

5. We can’t always be saved from a broken heart.

I know it all started so well, with so much promise, but…sometimes feelings do change. It’s a very, very hard part of life but it is life. The fact they have been honest enough to tell you is huge. Would you rather someone was with you faking their feelings? Of course not, right? You deserve better than that, and so do they. Having a broken heart, it seems to me, is a right of passage for us all. It’s a part of a life where we pursue love and we take risks. That’s what makes life the adventure it is. Please don’t get stuck in a victim type mentality. The only person that damages is yourself. I did this once, and wow, well it worked a treat in terms of getting me much sympathy and attention but it sure also kept me really stuck in that story which made it so much harder for me to move on. I am so not proud of that victim-y period of my life. The way out of a broken heart is through cry and scream, let the emotion out, until you reach the point you have no tears left. Then take this as your cue to move on and create a better future. Staying stuck in the role of victim, however badly you may have been treated, does you no favours at all. Do not let this difficult episode in your life define your future.

6. Throw your energy FORWARDS.

Whatever feels like fun or release for you, do that. Get your friends around you. Go do some fun activities together. Take a few classes. Try something new. Learn something you have always wanted to learn. Mix with some new people. Accept random invitations. Bring fun and new energy into your life. I had a client who was stringing out the divorce from her faithless husband because “it’s fun to torment him”. I understand the need for revenge honey I honestly do, but it’s that old adage about it being like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You are the one steeped in that toxic energy. Getting stuck in that revenge story is pouring toxic energy into your life and the only person that affects is YOU. It keeps you trapped in the story and energy of the past. Go find something that is truly fun in the now, whether that’s learning to salsa or taking the kids kayaking. Get the paperwork done sure. Ensure your rights are being well represented by a professional. Then get clean with your energy and start projecting it forwards.

7. There is something sparkelicious waiting for you.

A shiny new future. Trust in that. It’s all going to be absolutely okay. I promise.

In case you missed PART 1: 7 essentials to think about when you think you might want to break up with them

Next week: do you stay friends after the break-up? A classic conundrum! Please do feel free to forward share this article with someone who needs a little inspiration on this topic right now! Make sure you are in the loop for the rest of the series by signing up for “Wellbeing Wednesday” direct to your inbox right here.

Have a delicious week, come join the conversation with me on Facebook. Love you to share the love so please do share this post if it was food for thought for you!

Tags achievement, feeling states, joy, Relationships

Relationships

How not to let the break up break you: a six part series!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 24, 2014
No Comments on How not to let the break up break you: a six part series!

I get a lot of questions about how to best tackle various relationship situations. So, what can I say? I’m here to help and your wish is my command! Here is a wee six part series for you on romantic relationships. One a week for the next six weeks. Do feel free to forward them on to whoever they may help/comfort/inspire right now!

Okay so here we go, the series looks like this:

Part one: How not to let the break up break you! – You break up with them
Part two: How not to let the break up break you! – They break up with you
Part three: How not to let the break up break you! – Do you stay friends after?
Part four: How to be happily single.
Part five: How to attract your perfect partner.
Part six: Top tips to live happily ever after.

Part One: How not to let the break up break you! 7 essentials to think about when you think you might want to break up with them:

1. Know then to quit.

Just because you have invested a lot of time/effort/energy into a relationship don’t stay if it’s wrong just because the thought of starting again after investing so much is too hard to bear. It’s a toughie but being able to be brave and not “throw good money after bad” with your time and end it even when you have given or sacrificed a lot is hard, but, if you know it deep down, it’s right, then it’s right. Don’t drag out the inevitable. It serves no-one.

2. Know thyself.

Take responsibility for your own happiness. It’s only in Jerry Maguire that someone “completes you”. In reality we complete ourselves and our loved one is the perfect complement to that, as we are to them. He/She can’t “make you happy”, it’s not their job: it’s yours! Take a moment to reflect on what you are missing in your life. Is it stuff you can actually give to yourself or get from elsewhere? Maybe the problem, quite literally, is not them: it’s you.

3. Beware the person who think you complete them!

When someone relies on you to be the complete provider of their happiness this is a red flag. You can’t “make” someone happy, you can love them, support them, encourage them, inspire them, lift them, honour them, but you can’t “make” them “be” anything. That’s their responsibility. This can also be quite needy, stalky, energy which you are much better away from.

4. Try consistently and lovingly – but not too hard. There is a very delicate balance to be found between putting consistent effort and focus into your relationship to allow it to thrive and putting too much in. If it really it’s very hard work on a continual basis maybe it’s just not right? True love feels easy and effortless most of the time, it’s a delicious state of flow. Life might be hard but love isn’t hard. When you are trying to force it it’s not fun.

5. You can’t change someone else only change yourself and perhaps inspire change in those around you.

If you are in the relationship because you are waiting to be with the new and improved version of the person you are with rather than who they actually are today you are storing up a heap of heartache. I have to admit I have been guilty of this one myself. “He just needs to stop being so XXXX and he will be the most amazing man, everything will be so much easier”. I dated the man I wanted them to be, not the man that they were. Stupid! How hard is it to make lasting change in yourself? Exactly. So expecting that in another person is a recipe for disappointment especially if you are making that change a prerequisite for your happiness.

6. Break-Ups HAPPEN. Hearts get broken.

It’s a sad but inevitable part of life. You can’t save someone from a broken heart. Again, it’s not actually your responsibility. At some point in life we all experience the widest range of emotional reality, we all get our hearts broken and you can’t save someone from that. Nor, perhaps, should you. It’s part of their journey. Yes they might well be hurt or in deep pain. You can’t save them from that. What you CAN do however is speak your truth with compassion. You can deal with the breakup in the most loving way you can. You can deal with it face to face in an appropriate setting. You can be clear and clean in your energy and not drag it out or give false hope. You can give them the space and distance they need to recover and get themselves back on track. You can be grownup and generous with financial or property issues. You can make it about YOU, not them. You can own your feelings (or lack thereof) and know that it’s okay to have them, however inconvenient they are. You can’t control their reaction. That is theirs. You can handle it with maximum compassion, sensitivity and integrity. Wish them well and let them move on.

7. Recovery time and Karma.

Even in a clean break up it’s interesting to see that the person who is often the slowest to recover is the breakup-er, rather than the breakup-ee. The breakup-ee is in much more intense pain initially but them they often seem to move through it more quickly. They come out the other side and move on faster, reconstructing their lives into a much better version. The breakup-er however can hang onto feelings of guilt about causing the pain for a much longer time and take a lot longer to get over it. If you have been a shit and handled the breakup like a shit them perhaps that a good old dose of karma right there, but if you have handled the breakup with compassion and integrity then please try and let go of some of the guilt you carry. You can’t blame yourself for not feeling a certain thing or way forever. Learn the lessons you need, take time to reflect and grieve. But then wish yourself well and let yourself move on.

Next week: Key thought strategies not to let the break up break you when when they break up with you! Please do feel free to forward share this article with someone who needs a little inspiration on this topic right now! Make sure you are in the loop for the rest of the series by signing up for “Wellbeing Wednesday” direct to your inbox right here.

Have a delicious week, come join the conversation with me on Facebook. Love you to share the love and share this post if it was food for thought for you!

Tags feeling states, flexible thinking, Relationships

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