Tag: feeling states

Getting other people to make change

Post author By Support Elf
Post date July 19, 2022
No Comments on Getting other people to make change

Something that comes up ALL THE TIME in my coaching sessions today, thoughts on how life would be A LOT easier if….etc…

Life would be a LOT easier if only other people (boss/partner/sister/ex) changed what they were doing/saying so it suited us better or was (what we perceived to be) better for them.

If other people were more reliable/fun/on to it/organised/truthful/adult/well intentioned/thoughtful, our lives (and potentially theirs) would be SO MUCH EASIER!

However….

Giving up the illusion that other people could/should/will change to suit us is a huge personal growth milestone.

People will never change unless THEY want to.

Even then it might not be consistent or lasting.

People will not change unless they want to and are READY to.

You can try and cajole, beg, guilt, shame, plead…use logic, use emotion, but until it’s what they want and are ready for it’s not going to happen. It will be their timetable, not yours.

They will be ready when they are ready.

(Which might be NEVER)

Change is hard – it requires choice and commitment.

Parking the need for others to be different in order for us to be happy is HUGE

It allows us to put that wasted energy where it can make a genuine difference

The ONLY place we can truly effect change

Changing ourselves

P.S. Ready to make some first steps towards supported change where you can make change the most easily? Well then, I have your back! Here are three ways to work with me:

Book: Start using the 16 easy-to-implement mental and emotional health tips from my newest (super pretty, super effective) book, 101 Self Care Ideas.

Course: Dive into this short course and get your mind on what matters most…feel different inside and out in just 2 weeks, 14 Day Real Self-Care Kickstart.

Academy: My absolute number one recommendation is to join Wellbeing Warriors – there are so many modules in there to help you get unstuck. You will be so empowered with the immense personal insight you gain into yourself in the Coaching Academy that you will drop the desire to change others and relish the amazing change you are affecting in your own mental and physical health instead. It will change things for you more than you can ever imagine.

Tags 2022, feeling states, self care, self care sunday

2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Happy People Don't Do Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Resilience

Your Bedtime Story

What goes on between our ears has the biggest determination over what goes on in our hearts and in our lives.

One of the biggest areas where we can trip up is when we get facts confused with stories, or “the truth” confused with fairytales.

Have a think about a time when you had yourself absolutely convinced something utterly catastrophic was about to happen.

Lying awake turning over the prospect of imminent doom played out in excruciating and panic-inducing detail. We have all done it. And then…and then…well, nothing happening. NOTHING! The sky totally did not fall in. The fan did not get hit with anything. All that worry, stress, drama and excess cortisol production for nothing.

It can be weirdly tempting to play out a worst-case scenario story as a bizarre sort of double-think mental insurance to ward off against disappointment or rejection. If we have already considered the worst then maybe…maybe… it won’t happen.

However, it’s a far easier way to live to know that whatever comes up – if it comes up – you are smart and capable and you will react and handle it. And so, therefore, you choose to wait until such time that might be necessary and divert your attention to happier thoughts in the meantime.

The stories we tell ourselves in our heads have the very real capacity to destroy our peace of mind with far more regularity than any outside event.

Look at it this way. What bedtime story do you read your 7-year-old son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter/nephew/niece? Is it a) Charlie And The Chocolate Factory or b) Nightmare On Elm Street? Right. You wouldn’t dream of divulging the tales of Freddie Kruger’s bloody mayhem whilst you tuck them up as you want that child to sleep soundly, yes? (preferably right through the night uninterrupted, of course). You want to create the best conditions to do that; you know the content you fill their heads with at that pivotal moment is key – so you choose with discernment.

It’s the same at the cinema. We know the emotional impact of a good story and so there are standard content rating systems for movies. We know how powerful those stories in the screen are so we want to choose age-appropriately and with discernment for the audience. This is obvious in the movie cinema.

We want the right story playing for whoever is watching it.

And yet, and yet. We are nowhere near as careful stewards of our own bedtime story routine. Replaying the tricky conversation with the boss whilst we clean our teeth: bad bedtime story. Thinking about whether that client is going to be furious or not as we turn down the covers: bad bedtime story. Turning over the backhanded compliment our mother in law paid and worrying about how that may play out at the weekend family barbeque: bad bedtime story. Figuring out if that friend deliberately blanked us at the school gate as we have upset them for reasons we know not: bad bedtime story. No wonder we don’t sleep well, or our days are filled with worry.

Our peace of mind is determined by the tone and content of the stories we tell ourselves through our waking hours.

And as for the stories we believe and repeat in the dead of night? They are the most powerful of all.

Make sure you choose appropriate bedtime reading for yourself.

Sweet dreams.

Tags 2020, being present, challenging beliefs, feeling states, Mindfulness, positive thinking

Emotional Honesty Energy Boosters Live Happy Inspiration Relationships

Cruel Yule – when Christmas kicks your ass

Post author By Support Elf
Post date December 3, 2019
No Comments on Cruel Yule – when Christmas kicks your ass

Not too soon to start talking Christmas Lunch is it, my lovelies? My tree is already up so I reckon it’s fair game.

It’s got political over the years has Christmas Lunch. Who is hosting. Where. What’s to be eaten. Arrival times. Gift expectations. Who is doing the washing up. How soon is it impolite to leave. And I was going to write about that – but then I thought…y’know…you are smart people…you can figure that out. There will be a million bits of advice on how to delegate and bring a plate and whatnot.

Let’s talk about something else that probably won’t be covered: loss at Christmas.

Christmas is generally the most joyful time of year, but for someone going through a hard time it’s hands down the bleakest.

There is something unbelievably emotionally polarising about the festive season. There is nothing like being expected to be happy and jolly to focus the mind on what has been lost.

It is a cruel truth at Yule that for each person bemoaning how many presents they have to buy or wrap, someone else would dearly love to have that special someone to buy for. And, for everyone that loves it – from tinsel to turkey – there is someone who simply can’t wait for it to be over.

Family circumstances change all the time. Death, separation, divorce, estrangement, addiction, depression, emigration. When a season is all about family this can be hard. When you are used to being in the bosom of a family and then find you are suddenly but effectively childless and family-less after drop-off on Christmas Eve, it can be utterly discombobulating, post-divorce. When you are used to Dad cooking his special festive BBQ and he is suddenly not there your whole world is rocked to its core.

If you are in a good place this Christmas then all power to you! Squeeze every ounce of joy from it! But also, take just moment’s pause from the prep. Look up. Listen up. Is there anyone who might benefit from joining you? Someone feeling lonely, displaced, unwelcome? Or is there anyone in your circle you want to check in with and check they are doing okay?

If the thought of Christmas is incredibly confronting for your personal circumstances right now, I’m sorry and I see you. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you. Just because they haven’t offered or haven’t asked you how you are doing does not, repeat NOT, mean they don’t care. Ask for what you need. And, please, accept that hand when it is offered. You are neither a bother or a burden and you are welcome.

We are just at the point now that those who are secretly panicking on the inside about getting through Christmas will really be feeling it, so this week make it your mission to spread a little Christmas cheer ahead of time.

“A rising tide lifts all boats” said J. F. K. The natural joyfulness of the season can lift those who need it most if we all share a little love today.

WHERE TO GET HELP:

If you are worried about your own or someone else’s mental health, the best place to get help is your GP or local mental health provider. However, if you or someone else is in danger or endangering others, call police immediately on 111.

OR IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE:

• 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7)
• https://www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7)
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 or TEXT 4202

Tags 2019, 2020, Christmas, enjoyment, feeling states, Relationships

Emotional Honesty

What If Things DON’T Happen For A Reason?

Post author By Support Elf
Post date April 10, 2018
No Comments on What If Things DON’T Happen For A Reason?

I am the Queen of Finding The Silver Lining. The Duchess of Making Lemons Outta Lemonade. The High Priestess of Making The Best OF Things. I believe we have so much more room for optimism in our lives than we tend to take day to day.

However, recently a friend lost her husband and so there is also this.

Sometimes you simply can’t put a positive spin on things. Sometimes things really are just crappy. And it’s okay to let them be crappy and not pretend otherwise.

Sometimes there is no hidden meaning for us to wrestle with.

Sometimes people trilling “It will make you stronger!” and “it’s all happened for a reason!” in a well-meaning fashion that totally subverts the scale of your personal tragedy…. it’s okay to want to high five them, in the face, with a chair (don’t actually do it, obvs, just know it’s okay to feel it in your darkest moments).

Sometimes you need to know it’s okay not to have your game face on. It’s okay to find a quiet corner and absorb the blow.

In order to rally, and you will, you need to acknowledge and feel the sides of your loss – the breadth and the depth of it. But what you don’t always need to do is find a hidden meaning.

Sometimes crappy things don’t have a purpose. They are just crappy. And that’s how it is.

Sometimes things don’t make sense in the moment, and they may never do.

There is no hidden meaning or purpose. They just are. And that’s okay too.

You can drive yourself bonkers trying to work out why it happened, or how it will ultimately serve you, or what you inadvertently did to make it happen in the first place or what the hell it’s supposed to mean.

Here’s the thing. Periods of suffering are part of the human experience. Transcending those periods are also part of the human experience. Those that do that with the most speed and grace are those who acknowledge the reality and scale of what’s occurred and don’t bury it in burgers or booze.

It’s okay not to always be strong and to let your game face slip for a time. You don’t have to always be strong. You can drop the mask of hardihood for a time. It’s okay.

Sometimes bad things just happen. They come. You endure. You move on.

There doesn’t need to be a hidden message or for it all to make sense. Maybe it will, ten, twenty years hence. Maybe it was all for a reason. Or maybe, it wasn’t and it won’t.

So you get through. You cry. You eat Ben and Jerry’s. You get seriously unproductive for a while. You drop a few balls. You reach out. You hunker down. You endure. And then you move on.

Sometimes things are just plain bad. That’s life. It happens to us all at some point, in a variety of guises. You don’t need to find a purpose for it; you need to persevere through it.

Be strong: keep going.

Tags challenging beliefs, feeling states, flexible thinking, Resilience

Love Your Work Reduce Stress

2 Killer Questions To Beat Back To Work Blues!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 23, 2018
No Comments on 2 Killer Questions To Beat Back To Work Blues!

Happy Monday, people! For many of you today is The First Day Back At Work, and might be accompanied with that sinking feeling known as the Back To Work Blues, traditional in these parts late January each year. Well fear not good people, I have a top technique for you to get back into the swing of things.

There are two questions I recommend you ask yourself on Day 1 when you have the benefit of full energy and perspective having stepped back from the coal face for several weeks. When we are stuck on the hamster wheel of doing, doing, doing it can be hard to get the bigger picture we need to see what’s truly working for us and what’s not. When we are stressed and in the thick of it we tend to get caught up in the detail and just add more and more things to the To Do list. On Day 1 of a fresh new working year, whilst you have the benefit of a fresh and elevated perspective about what’s important it’s a great time to consider these two questions:

What’s one thing I am going to START doing in 2018?

What’s one thing I am going to STOP doing in 2018?

Deceptively simple questions. Rather than creating an exhaustive and overwhelming To Do list of goals, resolutions and projects that makes your heart sink just looking at it, try making a simple commitment on Day 1 to just one thing to START doing, and one thing to STOP doing that will refocus your energy on what you can control and kick your year off with focus.

So – you might want to START leaving on time on Tuesdays, or start filing emails as they come in rather than letting your inbox get out of control, or have one day a week that is designated meeting free so you can get bigger project work done. You might want to START making a regular lunch date with a mentor, or START fresh with a difficult client relationship or START speaking up for yourself more confidently.

You might want to STOP getting sucked into complaining conversations with Bob from Accounts or STOP repeatedly submitting your expenses late, or STOP bitching about the inventory system because it doesn’t actually change anything. You might want to STOP buying stuff from the vending machine or STOP being taken advantage of by a certain person who does not reciprocate. Or STOP habitually apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong.

Look at where your energy goes.

Who and what GIVES you energy and enthusiasm, and who and what DEPLETES it? There is a well-known quote that is variously attributed to Tony Robbins, Henry Ford and others that says

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

So if you want a little more from 2018, and are ready for more… maybe more fun, more responsibility, more growth…then you need to change something up. It really can be as simple as stopping something that after time for reflection doesn’t serve you (even though you may have habitually been carrying it out for years, decades even) and starting a life or work affirming attitude or behaviour that will have positive ripple effects through the year, starting something that you have no idea what the outcome or effects will be. But starting anyway.

So, if it’s your Day 1 today. Welcome back! Commit to something to start, and something to stop in 2018 and get set for a great year.

And for those of you who still have a week or more to go…enjoy… and have a cold one for the rest of us!

Tags challenging beliefs, decision making, enjoyment, feeling states, flexible thinking, Goalsetting

Happiness

The trick to being happy is in what you don’t do

Post author By Support Elf
Post date July 24, 2017
No Comments on The trick to being happy is in what you don’t do

We spend a lot of time here talking about how to be happy, and what happy people think and do to be happy. The more we know which beliefs, attitudes and behaviours constitute happy, the more we can mirror the mindsets and actions that resonate personally and be happier ourselves. For the next little while I thought it would be fun, and equally useful, to flip that around and look at what happy people don’t do, so we know what to omit from our repertoire. So first up, a biggie:

#1. Happy People don’t let their circumstances define their happiness.

Happy people are not life’s complainers. They have an inherent realisation that pouring more energy into something that they don’t like simply amplifies it. They know that we get to choose what we think about a particular circumstance and how we experience it, rather than be a victim of the circumstance. That the power to define the tone of our day lives in our heads, not at the mercy of the traffic flowing easily or our boss praising us at the staff meeting.

Happy people know that the thoughts in our heads are not facts but stories.

Not cast iron truth, but one of the numerous possible perspectives. They know thoughts might feel like truth, but they are not the truth.

If that all sounds a bit cryptic and you are muttering “thanks for sharing, Yoda”, this morning, please bear with me and let me break it down a little further:

For example – one circumstance, two thought patterns:

Let’s say, the circumstance is that the traffic is starting to slow down to a crawl on a Sunday night heading back into Auckland after a weekend away out of town.

A less happy person might think, “And this is why I hate Auckland traffic. Why is it always like this? I’m going to be so much later than I should be, so annoying…”, and will sit and silently seethe on the accelerator.

Sounds pretty “true”, right?

However, a happier person might think “So many people have been away for a long weekend, this queue is inevitable. It’s just the price of living in the biggest city in the country, where I also get to enjoy the best of everything else! Hope everyone else had as good a weekend as I did! Now let me think…what was that hilarious thing Mum said about …”

Hmmm…that second scenario could also seem “true”, though?

And that’s the thing. The traffic crawling – that right there is an external fact. That’s not up for debate. However, what happy people know is that the first thought that pops into their head about it isn’t necessarily truth. That there are a number of different, essentially arbitrary, thoughts they could think about it and verbalise about it. It’s not about being in denial. The “bad” story isn’t more or less true than the “good” story. They are both essentially made up. It’s just that one will make us feel happy, content, calm, in control. The other will not. It’s also important to note that neither thought fixes the traffic. It’s just – do you want to be happy in the traffic or annoyed in the traffic? Happy people want to be happy.

Happiness is a highly desirable feeling state. Happy people don’t expect happiness to just magic itself out of thin air. Happy people know that happiness comes directly from the thoughts you think about the thing that’s occurring right now. And by knowing that essential truth, they do not allow the myriad random thoughts in their head hold all the power. They select their thoughts, especially in annoying/frustrating/scary situations, with the same care with which they select which clothes to put on their body in the morning, or which foods to put in their body at lunchtime. They select the thoughts about the circumstance (facts) which are going to make them feel happier. It’s that simple.

Happy people think a lot more happy thoughts by both deliberate choice and habit.

Action Step – find one circumstance today where you can change your thinking, deliberately, to a slightly happier story about whatever the circumstance is in front of you. Start with something small and manageable like the traffic rather than your nightmare boss/ex, and work up from there. Choose your thoughts about it with the same care you choose your clothes.

Next week…more things Happy People Don’t Do.

#happypeopledontdo

Tags challenging beliefs, feeling states, flexible thinking, Happiness, Happy People, positive thinking

Dream and Goals Emotional Honesty Love the Skin You're In

Congruence & Alignment – why it should matter to you

Post author By Support Elf
Post date June 6, 2017
No Comments on Congruence & Alignment – why it should matter to you

Congruence:
Big Word.
Big Impact.

What is it? And why should it matter to you? Well lean in darling, listen closer…I want to talk about Congruence today and why it’s the number one reason why you are not getting what you want in your life.

If you are not enjoying the amount of money you have in your life, you probably have a congruence issue.

If your body does not look and feel like you want it to feel, you probably have a congruence issue.

If your work-life balance and stress levels are not where you want them to be, you probably have a congruence issue.

Congruence. Agreement. Harmony. Corresponding. Alignment.

I see a lack of congruence all the time.

The woman who wants very much to have more money, but who also believes that rich people are inherently selfish.

The guy who is way overweight and wants to be slim and fit but also believes that eating healthy is hard and expensive.

The woman who wants more free time and relaxation but who also thinks that everything has to be done perfectly and you can’t relax until it’s done.

Listen up, yo!

If you DESIRE one thing, and I know you really, really WANT it: that’s GREAT. You should want it. Dream higher. Want better. Seek improvement. That’s good.

Your DESIRE isn’t the problem.

The reason you are not getting it, and keep not getting it, is not because there is something wrong with you wanting it.

The problem is that you have a lack of CONGRUENCE with what you believe ABOUT it.

The money can’t come if you believe rich people are selfish. You will subconsciously sabotage yourself from reaching the desire as you don’t want to be selfish.

The fit body you so want to live in, and you want to enjoy, can’t come if you believe eating healthy is hard and expensive because you will sabotage your eating habits on a regular basis.

The healthy life-work balance and the new calm zen you so want to be, cannot come into existence because you won’t be able to stop yourself from sabotaging your efforts to do yoga, meditate, journal, chill in front of a box set, with the need to get things done, at work and home. It will always override it.

You can’t DESIRE one thing, but BELIEVE the opposite and GET IT in any kind of consistent or long term manner.

It just CAN’T happen.

You need to have CONGRUENCE or alignment between what you DESIRE and what you BELIEVE about it. Really deep down, believe about it.

Step one to being wealthier, or slimmer, or fitter, or less stressed isn’t joining a gym or looking for a new job. The first step is getting congruence between what you WANT and what you THINK about it.

When you do that?

Well, then my dear, everything just clicks into place.

Congruence means ease. Congruence delivers ease. It means the end of self-sabotage. It cuts to the chase. No more “trying” to lose weight. You just lose the damn weight. No more “trying” to relax more, you just chill out when you need to, no apology necessary. No “trying” to get more money. You budget, you sell some stuff, you save, you change jobs, whatever you need to do. It just gets done. No struggle. No fight.

Congruence dials you into ease and flow. It reduces the amount of effort and willpower required. It cuts self-sabotage off at the knees. Now – doesn’t that sound like a more relaxing way to get what you want?

Tags achievement, challenging beliefs, decision making, destress, enjoyment, feeling states

Energy Boosters High Energy Happiness Live Happy Inspiration

The Upside of Feeling Down

Post author By Support Elf
Post date May 30, 2017
No Comments on The Upside of Feeling Down

As y’all know I am a big fan of thinking positive… but… sometimes stuff happens that really throws us off. We get upset by something someone says or doesn’t say. Does, or doesn’t do. Something that happens. Or doesn’t happen. There is a gap between what we expect or desire and what we actually get in reality. The bigger the gap, the more upset we are. And that expectation vs. reality gap brings us down.

Here’s the thing. Feeling down can actually be a real growth opportunity as long as it’s short-term and temporary*. Feeling down in the short term? Well, it’s a golden opportunity to learn something new about ourselves.

Feeling down – tells us very clearly what we DON’T want.

That clarity can be really illuminating and valuable. Knowing what we DON’T want gives us access to getting really clear on what we DO want. That’s even more valuable information. When we can define what we DO want, we are a billionty** percent more likely to actually get it.

Feeling down gives us the opportunity to see if there is another perspective we can take. Can we look at the situation differently? Maybe we don’t need to feel quite so down about it? Is there a silver lining we are missing? Can we think about it differently so we can feel differently about it?

Feeling down can prompt inspired action that moves us efficiently in the direction of what we DO want and out of the downer-making situation. Feeling down can be just the trigger we need to evaluate the only three sensible options we ever have:

1. Do I want to accept this situation? As it is? Accept it and stop fighting it. It is what it is. Put my energy and focus elsewhere.
2. Do I want to change this situation? How can I best change it, so it gives me more of what I do want?
3. Do I want to leave this situation? Is feeling down a message that this situation is no longer serving me? I don’t want to accept it – I don’t feel that I want to change it – my best course of action is to exit it altogether.

Feeling down can act as the impetus to move us confidently towards feeling better.

It’s a message, and indicator, to pay more attention. That there is something to be learned or evaluated here, not just that there is an emotion to be avoided because it feels uncomfortable. If we can sit with that feeling of down, just for a few moments (without trying to avoid it by drowning it out with TV, wine, overeating, excessive work, excessive busyness, excessive exercise) – it can reveal exactly what we need to know to move ourselves confidently towards a much brighter future. Welcoming a little bit of “down” as a learning opportunity rather than running from it can be the foundation of a whole heap of happiness if we let it.

* Feeling down ongoing and long term – is not good – see your GP – you may have depression. Get the support you need!
** According to scientific research.

Tags challenging beliefs, feeling states, flexible thinking, positive thinking

Dream and Goals Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy

Supercharge your resolutions – Part 2

Post author By Support Elf
Post date January 10, 2017
No Comments on Supercharge your resolutions – Part 2

4-Tricks-for-Keeping-Up-the-Healthy-Lifestyle-Momentum

We tend to get so obsessed with the HOW and the WHEN of a New Year’s resolution. The imperative of starting on the 1st of January or we have blown it (newsflash: you haven’t). And the almost obsessional levels of the HOW to get it done (newsflash: not as critical as you think). The HOW can take over the whole process: exactly what to eat, in what quantities, in what specific combinations, and so on. The training plan of how many steps or reps in how many days. This stuff is all good, but it’s surface level – knowing how many antioxidants are in a juiced carrot will not be enough to sustain motivation on a dark wild day by the time winter rocks round.

Knowing deep in your core WHY you resolved what you resolved will.

A few good resolution-setting questions are:

WHY do I want this?

Understanding and defining your WHY is mission critical. Eating more healthily just because every magazine in the land is telling you to or your sister is, will just not cut it long term. Think of your why as your spiritual fuel. It’s the power that drives the completion of your resolution. If your Why is weak, you’re likely to fall off the wagon at some point. When times get tough – as they will inevitably do – a “just because” or an “everyone else is” Why will not pull you through. You need to be able to dig deep and know why why why you are doing what you are doing. What does it mean to YOU, to your life, to achieve this goal?

What’s the big, important, defining reason you want to commit to this thing?

Do you have a particular end point in mind? What’s your target?

If you don’t have the specifics dialled in, it’s going to be very hard to hit it and feel good about it. “Eat more healthily” and “make more money” are classics. Define what this means “I will eat a minimum of 5 servings of fruit/veg a day” or “ I will add $5000 to my income in 2017” will drive behaviour far more consistently and powerfully. Remember, set the bar at a level that you can be consistently hitting, getting yeses on the board, and then you can stretch yourself and raise the bar higher as you continue, and that habit is already established.

What is it going to feel like when you reach your goal?

When do you slip on that size 10? When you cross the finish line? When you play that duet? Again – this is spiritual fuel – it’s the foundation of a successful resolution. It’s where you tap into when, come June, things seem tough and why did you start this stupid resolution anyway? Reconnect with how it will feel when you get what you want. That desired feeling state is a powerful motivator for commitment to change long term. All the useful ‘How To’ information is at its most powerful when you layer it on top of that core commitment to Why You Want What You Want, and How It Will Feel When You Get There.

Want to make those resolutions a truly happening thing this year? Connect regularly to your Why to supercharge the process.

Tags decision making, feeling states, flexible thinking, Happy People, positive thinking

Dream and Goals Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Love the Skin You're In

The F Word

No, not that one. The other one. The one that upsets us a whole lot more. The one that really brings us to our knees. Uhuh. You’ve got it – failure. Nothing strikes fear into our hearts quite like it. No-one likes to fail, and most of us will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid it.

Winning is good. Clearly. Hurrah! But, we rarely win all the time. Through lack of application or resources. Bad luck. Someone else being….shhhhh…Better Than Us. Not working hard enough. Circumstances beyond our control. Someone else not playing fair. It stands to reason that sometimes we are going to fail during this long and rich journey we call life – so maybe we should get a little better at it?

Fear of Failure can loom so large that we stop playing the game all together – which is actually the ultimate tragedy. Isn’t that the greatest failure of them all? To be so fearful of failing that we make our life smaller, live in ever decreasing circles to keep ourselves safe and avoid it? Benjamin Franklin opined that there was nothing certain in this world save death or taxes. I think we can add failure to that list. Applying an emotional tourniquet to our life in order that we prevent future failure is not a winning strategy, it’s a strategy of lessening ourselves. Of spiritual and emotional cowardice.

Failure is one of the greatest growth experiences there is.

It can be an experience gifted to help us expand our world view. It’s an opportunity to pause, to ask what can I learn here? Why might this have happened in my life, now? What do I not want to repeat here?

The most important question of them all for me is: “What does this mean I want?” Really, really WANT? Nothing, n-o-t-h-i-n-g, throws what you truly want into clearer, sharper relief better than failing. You only need to have a failed marriage to a lying cheat to know that you want, more than anything, an honest man with a good heart and integrity above all other qualifications. You only need to get turned down at the final two of the third interview to know how much you really REALLY want to leave your current job when it was so close you could taste it. Your efforts will be redoubled with the clarity.

There is a silver lining to failure if we look hard enough. Some failure in life is inevitable for pretty much all of us. But it doesn’t have to be the end of the road. It can be the springboard to the next great thing. Or – it can be the failure that defines us and causes us to play small in that arena ever after. Too scared to love again. Or to reach higher professionally. Or to risk again. It seems to me we can either transcend our failure, or we can let it define us.

Harry Potter author J K Rowling famously and wisely said”

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I built the rest of my life”.

Just so. Failure really isn’t a taboo word, it’s an inevitable part of a full life well lived. After all it’s not about what knocked us down, so much as how much courage and grace we have to get back up. Getting fired or getting dumped just could be the solid foundation on which you build the rest of your life.

Tags anxiety, challenging beliefs, decision making, feeling states, Find Your Passion, Happiness, positive thinking

ABOUT

ACADEMY

PROGRAMMES

BLOG

CONTACT

Don't forget to signup for your freebies!

Don't forget!...

Worth $27