How not to let the break up break you: 7 ways to be happily single

7 ways to be happily singleFull disclosure: I absolutely believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Not a “I’ll settle” person, not a “that’s who is left so they’ll do” or a “that’s the best I can do” or “it’s better than being alone” person. But Mister or Ms. Right. Mister or Ms, Perfect Fit. Call me totally sentimental and a hopeless romantic but I believe this absolutely completely true. There is someone for everyone. Every teapot has its lid. They may be a long time making themselves known but they are out there.

So, if you have been working through this series you have had the cleanest and most compassionate breakup you can, you have processed the emotions that came with that and you are ready for the next chapter:

1.  Single can be a lot of fun. No-one stealing the duvet or leaving wet towels on the floor or hogging the remote. You get to have life your way, all the time. It’s actually pretty damn liberating. You get back in touch with what your preferences really are when you are not compromising or bending them to fit around someone else. Very good for the soul. Very, very good. Once you get over the shock of the breakup it can actually be the most delicious feeling of freedom.

2.  It’s a great time to reassess what you want from life and to focus on YOU. Reassess your goals and dreams. Download the free How to be a Time Ninja booklet and get a handle on that clarity right now.

3.  New You. New Chapter. New Look. Cant emphasise enough how helpful and healing it is in the newly single phase to have a massive clear-out and de-clutter. Out with the old and in with the new. Not just the house either, get a new haircut, some new threads, give yourself a mini-makeover. You look better: you feel better. Fact.

4.  Put your “Brave Wings” on. Get out there. Apparently over a third of people meet their new partner online. But that still leaves a huge amount who meet offline in the traditional boy meets girl in bar scenario. Or the longing glances over the photocopier at work. Getting out and about by strapping your “Brave wings” firmly on is scary but when the time is right don’t hesitate. Expanding your social circle. Being open the new experiences. Get out and about.

5.  Open energy. Can’t emhasise this enough. One thing I know for sure is that when you evaluate every first date on the “will they walk down the aisle/have children” criteria before the coffee cup is even emptied on Date One then it’s a recipe for failure. It somehow pushes needy energy out out, which pushes away the thing we really want. Try and just focus on the conversation, having fun, and letting things unfold naturally rather than coming from a place of trying to force something into a particular direction. It’s an energy thing. The Universe will send you Mister or Ms. Right when you are in an energetic state of abundance around love, intimacy and companionship.

6.   Don’t get stuck in “why not me?” energy. You know the thing, when you are single and all you seem to see is couples in café’s holding hands. Every bit of post is a wedding invitation. It’s very, very easy, and I speak from experience, to get sucked into “poor me” and “why not me?” and to take every sight of loving coupled -upness as confirmation of how unloved and alone we are. Please try and flip the filter and see those loving couples not as a reinforcement of your aloneness but as EVIDENCE that true love exists, everywhere! That love is literally all around. That you can tap into it. That it’s abundant and available.

7.   Know when it’s right and know when it’s wrong. Next weeks post all about knowing when its right. When you have found “The One”. For this week though be mindful not to settle when it’s wrong. You know when it’s wrong. You don’t need me to tell you. You can feel it. You know it. You cab feel it in your gut and your heart. So don’t let words in your head whispering “lonely” and “left on the shelf” override the good sense and truth you can feel deep down. Keep the faith. Choose you.

Part One: How not to let the break up break you

Part Two: 7 essentials to think about when they break up with you

Part Three: Should you stay friends after?

positive balance, Louise Thompson, wellbeing, life coach,

Positive Thought Strategy

Who are your five biggest influencers?

Who are your five biggest influencers?Here’s an interesting perspective to consider. The famous motivational speaker and author Jim Rohn said “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with”. Whether we admit it or not: we are highly influenced by those around us. We can subtly take on, almost by osmosis, attitudes and characteristics that we mirror from our nearest and sometimes not so dearest.

This can happen in a hugely positive way, for instance joining a new work team that is super supportive and collaborative is likely going to make you a more supportive and collaborative colleague. In the same way if you hang with negative whiners then you are far more likely to become pretty whingy yourself, seeing the downside as a default.

Who you do associate most with undoubtedly makes a big difference to your frame of mind. And it appears to be a small circle of influence. Just 5 people, the 5 you associate with the most. The Circle of Five.

Have a think about who this might be for you, and if it’s the influence you really want at this point in your life or if you have outgrown it or are looking to move your life in a different direction.

Jenny came to see me, feeling stuck because her acting career wasn’t taking off in the way she hoped or the way she expected given the stellar feedback from her coaches and castings. “But” she said “that’s to be expected, hardly anyone makes a living from it, its really hard, almost impossible”. It turned out Jenny was flatting with 4 long term out of work actors, who had long since given up on the dream. Their negative and despondent conversations were her biggest sphere of influence. She started to believe what they believed, and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. The key for Jenny was to change her immediate circle. To spend more time hanging out with creative people who were making a living through creative means. Who were successful. Who believed it could work for them. Just changing her social circle, and eventually moving out and flatting with a successful freelance writer and full time dancer completely changed Jenny’s outlook, energy and sense of confidence and drive, and the work offers started rolling in.

I see this sort of thing all the time. Maggie was a new mum and devastated about the impact of pregnancy and childbirth on her body. Much as she loved her new baby the extra weight she had gained weighed heavy on her mind, all day, every day. “It’s inevitable though” she said “it’s just so hard to shift it, I don’t have the time or the energy, and once you have children you are pretty much stuck with it”. Turned out Maggie spent a lot of time with her pregnancy coffee group, almost all of whom were struggling with their weight. They met several times a week and it was a regular topic of conversation over the coffee cups. Maggie really wanted to change the situation but she felt doomed to fail. She had absorbed the feeling of powerlessness from the people she associated with the most. We hooked her up with an active mum’s group, where the mutual support and chat was still there but it took place over scheduled walks with the pram, and trips to a spin class at a gym with a crèche. This group of mums was just as nice and supportive, but they were more active and they believed that their weight and body shape was something they could impact, and they prioritised this building in into activity with the children. Maggie’s weight problem started to resolve itself as she subtly started to alter the group of people she spent the most time with.

Know that this isn’t about abdicating all our own responsibility for what we think and choose! That still rests firmly with us. It’s more about supporting the choices we want to make with an environment of people who will help pull us forward. A consciously chosen Circle Of Five. Who have qualities and characteristics that we admire, or want to develop in ourselves. Whether that be positivity about a particular career choice, or about fitting exercise around childcare.

So, if you current status quo is not resonating with you, have a think about this principle. Have a think about who you want to be, and what characteristics you would like to embody. Want to be described as funny? You need to hang with the jokers. Some of it will rub off. Want to be successful in a chosen field? Go hang with the superstars or the up-and-comers. A little shine will radiate your way. Want to be positive and happy-go-lucky? Well you need to hang with other happiness seeking positive peeps to easily mirror that vibe. Want to meet a new partner? You need to hang with fellow singletons who are happy to get out there and believe there is someone for everyone, and are enjoying single life in the meantime, not the “all men are bastards” crowd.

Try these simple exercises:

Who are the 5 people you currently associate with the most?


What characteristics and qualities do these people embody?


Does that resonate with you? Is that a perfect fit for where you are now or would a change be a good thing?


Choose your Circle of Five influencers wisely! Generally it will happen by default, and become a habit. It’s a great exercise to step back, and look at this important circle of influence deliberately and consciously. Choose what’s important to you and then who you need to spend more or less time with in order to support that choice. Also knowing that the more you are moving in the direction of your right, best life, the better energy you BRING to help and inspire others on their way too. Don’t forget you will be part of many people’s Circle Of Five, so looking and what you GIVE as well as what you get can be super enlightening too.

Go well, have a beautiful day,

Louise Thompson | Life Coach, Writer, Speaker


2012 Review: the 10 questions you should ask yourself as CEO of You!

2012 Review: the 10 questions you should ask yourself as CEO of You!

How has 2012 treated you gorgeous? I do hope with all the grace and goodness you deserve. I love the energy of the Year End. It’s the perfect time to pause and reflect. I must confess I have had a thrilling year, the column in “Bite” with the New Zealand Herald on Mondays has been super fun and… my book is written!  That was a massive goal for me and to have it nearly complete is very exciting indeed. Of my 6 goal strategy (all outlined for you in the “How to be a Time Ninja” e-book…just sign up on the home page to receive your FREE copy) I have achieved all but one thing I set out to do this year, so I have a real glow of satisfaction.

Before diving into setting goals for a new year I think it’s really important to review the past year. What has worked, and why. What didn’t and why. It’s so easy to get carried away with the shininess of new goals when the foundation for achievement of them more than likely lies in the review of what worked the previous year. What did we make time for? What just didn’t happen ‘cos life got in the way?

These are the questions I work through to do just that. Back in my corporate days we would always have a review of the past year before setting the budgets and initiatives for the next. To do the same but with the business of our life it seems to be to be even more important to carve out a little time for that review. So, diarise an hour or two with yourself, you are the CEO of You Inc. and do that review. It will form the best foundation for a kick-ass 2013.

10 questions to review your year:

  • What am I most proud of in 2012?
  • What is the most valuable thing I learned about myself in 2012?
  • What do I wish I had done more of in 2012?
  • What did I wish I had done less of in 2012?
  • What was the worst thing about 2012? What would I not want repeated? What did I learn from this experience?
  • What three words sum up 2012 for me?
  • What did I think I would achieve in 2012, but didn’t. Why not? What did I achieve that was unexpected?
  • Who have been the most important and supportive people in my life in 2012?
  • If I could change one thing about 2012 what would it be?
  • The three things I am most grateful for in 2012 are …

Take your time and reflect on your progress and lessons learned. And then symbolically close the year, in whatever way feels good for you. Give thanks for making it to the end of another year and learning what you have learned. Then you can save your answer paper somewhere safe, or you can make a little ceremony to burn it, bury it, rip it into shreds and let it float out to sea…release that energy of the year that is past.

Reviewing and closing 2012 will create a beautiful clean slate for 2013. More wellbeing blog posts to come of course on ways to make it everything you dream of. Wishing you every good thing for that big shiny New Year ahead.

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