2022 Happiness Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

It’s controversial but I think it’s 100% true

Much is made (by wellbeingey, feelgoodery people like me!) of “Being Present”. That we will all be healthier and happier if we are more connected to “the now” and present with who and what we are doing, when we are actually doing it.


There is however another equally important, yet far less discussed perspective to the “Be Present” position.


I also think it’s important to know:


*It’s TOTALLY okay not to be “on” 24/7 and engaged in every single convo going on around you.


* It’s TOTALLY okay to have an enjoyable, meandering, noodle on Instagram on your phone.


* It’s TOTALLY okay not to listen to every single word someone wants to share with you.




If you can be present, and you choose to be present: BE ALL THERE.


If you don’t have the capacity, the time, the attention, or the mind space: LET THEM KNOW.




It’s yours. You can do that. It belongs to you.


Be clear. Be unambiguous.


Say “I can see you have something on your mind you want to share but I just cannot give you my full attention right now. Can we talk properly over dinner?”




“Hon, I adore you, I’ve loved chatting with you over coffee – but I just need to check my email. I’d like to take 10 minutes and then resume the chats! – is that cool with you?”




Turn your phone on silent, go lay on the bed, and play on Instagram to your heart’s content with no one else expecting anything from you in that moment. Immerse yourself and enjoy.


If you are not going to be present (which is fine, no one can be all the time) OWN YOUR ABSENCE with clarity and intent.


Make sense? What a relief, eh? No-one can be present all the time, let’s stop beating ourselves up for it.


PS. Want a book that will change your life? Of course you do.

It’s here.

It’s beautiful.


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Dream and Goals Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Summer time

The 6 Key Questions YOU need to review!

As John Lennon so beautifully sang, “And so this is Christmas….and what have you done?”

Here are some thought starters for you to ponder (perhaps with a journal and a cold beer in hand) over the summer to bring this past year to a considered close and set yourself up for the best of all things in the New Year.


  1. Farewell

What would you like to farewell and leave behind this year? What have you outgrown? Perhaps it’s a relationship or a social situation or an obligation. Maybe you feel ready for a new career or a new location. What would you like to farewell and gently close the door on?






  1. Gratitude

What are you most grateful for this past year? What worked out well for you, better perhaps than you anticipated? Who came into your life or stepped up in your life in a way that enhanced it? To what and to whom do you feel appreciative for their contribution to your life this year? Have you told them?







  1. Accomplishment

What are your proudest achievements this year? Where did you give the most of yourself? When did you push yourself our of your comfort zone? Where and how did you grow? What are your finest accomplishments of the year?







  1. Lessons

What have you learned this year? About yourself? About others or the world?  What do you want to repeat? Do more of? Less of? What worked? What didn’t? Why? What lessons do you wish to take from this past year?







  1. Giving and Balance

Where did you give the most of yourself this year? Are you happy with where you put the share of your time, energy and attention? Are there areas where you wish you had invested more? Where do you wish you had given less? Where do you wish you had given more support? Where do you, on reflection, think you could have got more support? What are three ways you would like to balance your time or energy distribution differently in the New Year?







  1. Highlights

What were the best feeling moments this year? What are the highlights you will remember for life? Who and what made them special and why? What three words sum up this year for you personally?







Taking time out of the hamster wheel frenzy of doing, to pause and reflect is so important.

Effective change and growth comes from awareness of what’s working for us and what is not.

If we wish for a better tomorrow it is best built on the foundations of the lessons of today.

I hope you can take a little time to just be this holiday season, and reflect on a good year well-lived and to build some anticipation for the brand shiny new one that is about to open up!

4 Dimensional Wellness Energy Boosters Love Your Work Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Summer time

5 smart tips to avoid the cray-cray Christmas Work CRUSH!

Now, there is a kiwi specific cultural phenomenon that happens for those in the workforce in December.

What happens is that every project you have ever touched or been associated with during the previous 11 months (and indeed some that you haven’t) suddenly has to ABSOLUTELY be finished by Christmas Eve, OR THE WORLD WILL END. End, I tell you.

All joking aside, it’s actually super stressful. Due to the fabulously extended January holidays we all enjoy this creates a real pressure cooker environment which can lead to a) massive overwhelm before Christmas b) utterly unrealistic expectations that can never be met c) not enough time for Chrimbo shopping or drinking egg nog with colleagues whilst wearing festive antlers.

Northern Hemisphere peeps will be back at work as usual on the 3rd of January, whilst most Kiwi’s will be drinking cold ones for another 4 weeks, so clearly – we win! No one would want to give up their January. BUT – can we reach it without descending into Xmas Madness?

Here are a few tips you can put into place today:

1. Get really clear, really really clear, that the working world will not in fact end at midday on the 24th December. Do not buy into the madness.

2. Set some expectations NOW. Get ahead of the game whether by a team meeting, or email or whatever. Set some expectations NOW on what you can deliver by when. Communicate with staff / customers / clients / suppliers / colleagues and so on expectation and timelines. Be confident and set your boundaries on what is realistic.

3. Beware the hospital pass. Veeeery common at this time of year is the colleague whistling in a project and making it your problem, when in fact they have sat on it procrastinating since June. Boundaries are required here, people. Don’t let your December get pulled into the madness because someone else has been fluffing about for the last 6 months. Use your “no” judiciously but firmly.

4. Accept some stuff will just not get done before Christmas. This is okay because a) the world will not end (see point 1), and b) it means you have a job to come back to.

5. Make time for some fun. The seriousness of the Xmas Madness can suck the joy out of a normally happy workplace as everyone feels so under the gun with this end of year deadline. Remember that this is the season of goodwill unto all men, and make sure you allow enough space for laughs and thank you’s and celebrations too.

We are still far enough away that you can do some really effective (read: ruthless!) scheduling and expectation management now.

Head off the Xmas Madness at the pass, don’t make it an inevitable part of your working December.

After all you’ve got eggnog and festive antlers to attend to.

Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships Resilience Self Care and Self Love

The F word that’s the HARDEST one of all

Let’s talk about the biggest F-word there is: Forgiveness.

Easy to say. Hard to do.

We tend to not want to do it for the very good reason, “we don’t want to let them off the hook”. I hear this again and again. And, I get it.

When someone has done something which we perceive to be so boundary transgressing that they require our forgiveness, we easily get all tangled up in the push and pull of “letting them off the hook”.

That by forgiving whatever the betrayal, or series of betrayals (and believe me, in my job I hear it ALL), we are in some way condoning their actions, attitude, choices. Which we absolutely do not want to do!

There is no way we support, approve or condone. Forgiving can feel like we are complicit with the original hurt.

So we hold onto our betrayal, slight or pain. There is nowhere else for it to go.

The thing is, they are not on the hook: you are.

You become stuck in the pain of the original injury through unforgiveness.

Here’s what I want you to know:

  • You can forgive and still choose not to see that person ever again.
  • You can forgive and be absolutely clear you will never put yourself in that position again.
  • You can forgive even if they are not sorry and that apology will never come.
  • You can forgive and absolutely have the strongest boundaries about any future communication or contact.

And why? Why should you forgive them?

They are not dangling on the hook of guilt and shame you imagine them to be.

The forgiveness is not for them, sweet one, it’s for you.

It gives you peace in your heart: and let’s face it, your heart is the one that’s important here.

Forgive, and let yourself off the hook. It’s time.

Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress

Define Your Choices

We are lucky, lucky people. Lucky!

We live in a time and location of almost infinite abundance and choice. We have more choices at our disposal than any generation that came before us. We have the sum of all human knowledge accessible 24/7 in the palm of our hands. We live in the age of not just unlimited information, but of unlimited choice. It’s a great time to be on planet Earth.

Our choices define us. Who we are. The life we lead. The future that’s coming for us.

Our choices lay bare our priorities and our principles. Even when we think we have no choice we always have a choice. The only thing we HAVE to do is breathe, everything after that is a choice. Annoying, but true.

Our choices reveal our true priorities. Not what we say our priorities are – but what they REALLY are. Other people’s choices say the same about them – they are a literal demonstration of true priority in action.

We think we are not choosing when we are.

The truth of life is that in every moment that we say YES to one thing, we are saying NO to something else.

  • We say yes to being kind and patient to the supermarket checkout person and no to being irritable and rushed.
  • We say yes to Netflix and couch time and no to a walk before dinner.
  • We say yes to one form of income and no to another.
  • We say yes to letting someone go before us in the traffic and no to closing the gap and making them wait.
  • Or we say yes to playing with the kids and no to playing with our phone.

Life can sometimes get off course when we forget that every single moment we absolutely have a choice.

What and who are you saying yes to? What and who are you saying no to?

A million tiny sovereign choices, every hour, day, week are what comprise our life.

Your choices define you. Choose well.


Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Relationships Self Care and Self Love

How to give YOURSELF a Time Out

Much is made (by wellbeingey, feelgoodery people like me!) of “Being Present”. That we will all be healthier and happier if we are more connected to “the now” and present with who and what we are doing, when we are actually doing it. True Dat.

There is however another equally important, yet far less discussed perspective to the “Be Present” position.

I also think it’s important to  know:

It’s TOTALLY okay not to be “on” 24/7 and engaged in every single convo going on around you.

It’s TOTALLY okay to have an enjoyable, meandering, noodle on Instagram on your phone.

It’s TOTALLY okay not to listen to every single word someone wants to share with you.


If you can be present, and you choose to be present: BE ALL THERE.

If you don’t have the capacity, the time, the attention, the mind space: LET THEM KNOW.


It’s yours. You can do that. It belongs to you.

Be clear. Be unambiguous.

Say “I can see you have something on your mind you want to share but I just cannot give you my full attention right now. Can we talk properly over dinner?”


“Hon, I adore you, I’ve loved chatting with you over coffee – but I just need to check my email. I’d like to take 10 minutes and then resume the chats! – is that cool with you?”


Turn your phone on silent, go lay on the bed, and play on Instagram to your heart’s content with no one else expecting anything from you in that moment. Immerse yourself and enjoy.

If you are not going to be present (which is fine, no one can be all the time) OWN YOUR ABSENCE with clarity and intent.


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Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

I Will Be My Own Cheerleader.

There is something so beautiful and natural in the way we encourage children, isn’t there? As they learn to walk, ride, swim: the air rings with the sound of “Atta girl! You can do it!” “You are doing so great, I’m so proud of you!” “Keep going, doesn’t matter if you fall baby, just try again, you’ll get the hang of it”. Our communication is clear and bright. Enthusiasm exudes. Expectations of perfection are firmly managed as we keep it positive. It’s a very easy way to communicate. It takes virtually no effort.

We know that emphasising the positive is a faster and more enjoyable route to the desired outcome than continual berating. We want to keep them interested, connected to the process, excited, enthusiastic, so we lead from the front. It’s joyful. And it gets results.

And  – hello, it’s just a nicer way to communicate and live.

If someone has a go at our kids, shouts, screams, judges, criticises: my goodness are we not fast to react and protect? Our boundaries on the quality of words that should enter our children’s ears, and therefore hearts and minds are strong. We are the gatekeepers and we take that very seriously indeed. If someone is to bully our child they will meet with every bit of wrath we can muster. And then some.

And so what happens when we get to adulthood and we talk ourselves? Where does the “Atta Girl!” go then? For every Mum I see cheering her child on, on the sidelines with such unbridled positivity I see the same mum in the gym or in the yoga class giving herself the exact opposite experience. “You are useless at this. Hopeless. What’s the point of even being here? Everyone else is so much better than you. You suck at this, be honest. And. Shelia…those leggings are not fooling anyone…you are looking FAT”.

The Attta Girl has been swiftly replaced by the meanest of mean girls in the school. She undermines. Berates. Criticises, Judges. Expects perfection. We should be faster. Thinner. Younger. Stronger.

It’s mean girl talk. It’s emotionally abusive. It’s the bully in our heads. And we are doing it TO OURSELVES. Then we wonder why we don’t want to go to the gym or try the new boot camp or enjoy book club.

The knock on effect on our mood and motivation is instant.

You wouldn’t allow the mean girl to repeatedly tear down your son, or daughter, niece or nephew, grandson or granddaughter. You know that bullying is wrong. You know those taunts can last a lifetime which is why you protect so hard and so vigilantly against it. You would not stand for it with a child you care about (or even one you don’t!)  so stop allowing it for yourself.

The words you use, to yourself, in your own head, are the most powerful of all. They determine how you feel, and what you do. They govern your mood and your actions. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because no one else can hear them does not mean they carry great weight. They are the most influential of all.

Don’t let a mean girl live in your head when you would not have her at your table. Channel your own encouraging voice that is there is spades for your child. Be kind and encouraging in your own self-talk. You will be blown away by the instant difference in your disposition, what accomplish and what you enjoy. You will appreciate everything more when you kick your inner mean girl into touch and come from your inner Atta Girl instead.

She’s in there; let her talk to you too.

Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Self Care and Self Love

Feel The Fear (of Criticism) And Do It Anyway

There is nothing that can burst your bubble quicker about a splendid plan you are cooking up than worrying what everybody else will think about it. Want to leave your job, the coffee group, the country, the country club? Want to join the navy, the revolution, the circus? Your soul might be screaming, Hell YES!…but the handbrake goes on the instant you consider what other people might think about your choice.

Fear of criticism is inertia-inducing. It stops us in our tracks and it can suck the energy and enthusiasm out of a new direction in double time.

Here’s the thing.

Other than the people whose lives are directly impacted by your decision, who I hope you would talk through your splendid plan with courage and compassion – here are 4 good reasons to dial down that fear of what everyone is thinking about you.

  1. It’s none of your business what other people think about your new course of action. Yup. Like totally NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. What they think is the property of them. It’s a thought (or your assumption of what their thought might be) and it lives in their head. Not yours. Therefore, not your business. You cannot control what goes on in other people’s minds. You are not God. So, let other people own their own thoughts and take your focus somewhere more productive.


  1. Most of the time we are making assumptions about what they might think. Which may or may not be true. Your assumption of, “what on earth are you thinking? Big mistake. HUGE!” could actually be a, “Go girl!” if you actually asked the question. Don’t spend time worrying about an assumption. You really have better things to do. Like… oh yeah… getting working on your splendid plan!


  1. Pretty much no one did anything of serious significance that was not criticised first. Man was never going to walk on the moon. Decca said The Beatles were crap. JK Rowling’s Harry Potter got rejected by over a dozen publishers before Bloomsbury signed her. Being criticised is often PART of the journey to success. Can you be brave and embrace that uncomfortable facet of the ride?


  1. They are pretty much not thinking about you that much anyway. For reals. People are thinking about you and your life choices about 90% less than you think they are. They are totally tied up in their own stuff, in their own heads. Probably worrying about you judging their life choices! That “dance as if no one’s watching” line is on the money because most of the time no one really is. The majority of other people’s mental space is occupied by wondering if they are hitting the beat themselves. So, don’t sweat it.


The key is to not let the fear of criticism pull you off your course. Expend your mental energy where it can be of the most benefit. Hold fast and execute your splendid plan with enthusiasm, tenacity, and passion. Own your choice. People take their lead from you. So, talk about your choice with clarity and conviction. Lead the way, and they will follow. Be bold. Have faith. Back yourself. Leap.

Emotional Honesty Happiness Relationships

Are you in a relationSHIP or a relationSHOP?

How to tell the difference and transform your friendSHIPs.

FriendSHIPs and relationSHIPs are usually the source of our greatest joy in life. The relationSHIPs with our family, partner, children, siblings, friends, colleagues, clients. They are also the source of some of our greatest angst and worry!

Give when you can: take when you must.

There will always be a natural ebb and flow to a relationSHIP, sometimes we need to give, sometimes we need to receive. I really love the maxim ”Give when you can: take when you must”.That for a relationSHIP to work well we need to sometimes be open to being vulnerable enough to ask for help and to receive it with gratitude. We also need to be generous to give support in when it’s required.

In a healthy relationSHIP you can feel this natural tide of giving and receiving of attention, talk time, physical support, gifts of service, compliments and so on flowing back and forth in a natural rhythm. Sometimes one person will be having a harder time, sometimes the situation is reversed, but there is this natural flow that evens itself out over time. This is a relationSHIP.

A relationSHOP is quite different. RelationSHIPs can turn into relationSHOPs very easily.

A relationSHOP is where the flow of give and take becomes unequal, one-sided. Where someone is always wanting something from the other. Where one person becomes the perpetual provider and one the perpetual receiver. The go-to place, the shop, for support, assistance, attention, whatever. How we handle it when that transition happens is crucial.

Two particular friendSHIPs spring to mind for me, both of which got out of balance, and which had very different outcomes.

Friend A was very good to me at a hard time in my life. A debt which I was anxious to repay. It turned out that that was easy: there were so many opportunities! Her life lurched from one crisis to the next. At first, I thought it was an extraordinary amount of bad luck and I was super supportive.

After 12 months of 2 am mercy dashes inexpensive cabs across London, I realised that much of it was largely self-created drama. It was an exhausting friendSHIP as weirdly she wanted to be there for me but only when I was in a crisis too. She just wasn’t that interested in having fun and enjoying the good times, just the dramatic bad times. I realised that being around this girl tired me out. She lived in a storm of largely self-created chaos which she thrived on but which drained me completely.  I am ashamed to say I did not sort this friendSHIP out in a grown-up way, I just moved country and stopped messaging.

I dealt with it very badly which I regret, but I don’t regret having this unbalanced friendship out of my life. It wasn’t a friendSHIP it was a friendSHOP. Whenever she got in touch she wanted something from me. I couldn’t just be me, I had to give support to a drama or crisis in her life, or manufacture one in my own in order to be interesting. It was a relationSHIP of provision, not equality.

“What we allow is what we endorse”

The second friendship that really springs to mind was with Friend B. We had a very equal and fun friendSHIP. We flowed between good times and bad times, we were there for each other, it worked great. Then things subtly changed over time from a friendSHIP to a friendSHOP.

She went through a really hard time. That went on over a couple of years. Our roles subtly changed to supporter and supportee. I was always doing the giving. And I did it willingly and with love. However, eventually, a number of epicly bad things happened in my life and friend B was nowhere to be seen. Literally nowhere.

The flow of energy and support had become entirely one way. It wasn’t her fault, it was just as much mine, I had allowed this to happen and trained her to think I never needed anything. As you know I always say “What we allow is what we endorse” and I had been as much a party of creating this unequal relationSHOP as she had. I had willingly become the provider, the shop of listening. It did not feel good.

But this time, however, I am pleased to say I was brave, I actually spoke up about it. I valued her friendSHIP as a person but the style of friendSHIP we had mutually evolved into was not working for me. The equality had gone. There was no ebb and flow. So my heart beating super loud in my chest I spoke my truth, gave some specific examples and said that it was not okay for me. That I wanted to go back to a more equal friendSHIP or the relationSHIP would have to cease.

There was a heavy silence on the end of the phone. It. Was. Awful. The next week, however, she appeared with flowers having thought it through. She had looked at it and realised the balance had gone way out and could we start fresh. So we did and our friendship today is more fun and more equal than it’s ever been. I am so glad I was brave and spoke up. And I am proud to have a friend who values what we have enough to change things up and make it work. She is a great girl and I love her and value having her in my life enormously.

Do you have any relationSHOPs in your life you want to re-evaluate?

When a relationSHIP has become a relationSHOP you can feel it. It feels icky. It feels tiring. It feels a bit like you are trapped. You feel you give much more than you get (or that you get much more than you give).

You may get that sinking feeling when you see his or her number on the phone. It’s important not to ignore that feeling, but to acknowledge it and figure out where it’s coming from. Then you have choices.

You can a) continue as you are but remember things are unlikely to change. Other people are not mind readers and if you don’t tell the person there is something wrong they are blissfully unaware there is anything wrong, however screamingly obvious it might be for you. So ignoring it, means you are accepting it.

Or, b) you can choose to let the friendSHOP drift and gradually disappear into nothingness as I did with Friend A. It wasn’t a particularly courageous move on my part however it did get the desired result.

Or, c) if you value and love that person you can be brave. You can speak up. You can say I want a balanced relationship with you, you are important to me, that’s why I am being brave and saying this. That the way it is now is not okay for me. Define what you need in a relationSHIP. Give the other person the choice to create a friendSHIP that works for you both or to walk away. The good ones will take it on board and your friendSHOPs will be transformed into genuine lasting golden friendSHIPs.

Do you have a few friendSHOPs in your life that could do with a changeup? Today is a great day to re-evaluate: you deserve to have the best!

Happy People Don't Do

If someone has %^$^%*&ed you over you NEED to read this!

If there is one thought pattern guaranteed to make us feel unhappy, it is victimhood. When we feel persecuted, or deliberately wronged the obvious conclusion to draw is that this other person is against us for whatever reason.

It’s painful, and it’s uncomfortable. And it is very easy to stay trapped in our story of being the victim. Feeling that the other person should behave better. Do or say or demonstrate a different thing. Be more generous, or honest, or honourable or patient or compassionate or responsible or whatever it is we lack. All our focus is on what the other person should stop doing to us so that we can feel okay. We want an end to our pain, and for that to happen the other person needs to stop being against us. When we feel someone is against us, it feels very real and very hurtful. That feeling of being attacked is sadly something that very few get through life without experiencing at some point on some level.

I read an interesting concept recently in one of Jack Canfield’s books (the Chicken Soup For The Soul guy) that:

We should take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us.

Not 56% responsibility. Not 93 % responsibility, but 100%. For everything. “That’s a bit harsh Jack,” I thought, “there are always circumstances beyond our control”. Taking 100% responsibility for some things feels like placing the blame on myself for something bad that I 100% didn’t do and 100% didn’t want. How is THAT helpful?!” I pondered some more… and I think I get it.

When we take 100% responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens in our life, we drop any victim mindset by default. The tables turn completely – it’s no longer about blame or shame, it’s about learning. So that business partner who ripped you off in an unsavoury manner. You can’t take responsibility for their unethical actions, but you can take 100% responsibility for not having tied the contracts up more tightly at the outset. That’s a valuable lesson that’s empowering and puts you in a stronger position never to repeat the experience. You can’t take responsibility for your rapacious ex-husband mercilessly exploiting the law to feather his own nest at your expense. But you can take 100% responsibility for your expectation that he would behave better or more honourably. You can own that the pain you feel is the gap between your elevated expectations of his character, and reality. You can learn from that to expect much less of the man. Therefore the pain is lowered as he is merely doing exactly what you would expect. You can’t take responsibility for your bosses continual expectation that meetings can be set at 5 pm on late notice. But you can take 100% responsibility for speaking up and pushing back with consistent boundaries around your time and availability. You can’t take responsibility for an organisation’s decision to give you a pay freeze for the second year running. But you can take 100% responsibility as to whether or not you continue to work for them.

Don’t get me wrong. This is a *&^&*$ hard question to ask yourself! How can I take responsibility for this thing that is present in my life that I absolutely do not want/absent from my life that I really feel I deserve to have? It’s not a happiness step for the faint-hearted, but it does carry with it a measure of gold.

When we shift our mindset from victim to 100% responsibility, a miraculous thing happens. The original problem does not disappear (sadly! Sorry!) but our ability to deal with it and move past it increases exponentially. I would not say this is happiness per se, but it is definitely empowerment, and that is a far happier state than victimhood. When we take 100% responsibility, we also absorb the lessons that are inherent in the experience for us, and when we learn lessons, we ease our path ahead. We also tap into the liberating truism that releases us from the grip of feeling someone is against us. As the saying goes, people are never really against us – they are actually just for themselves. The business partner thinks she is just doing what needs to be done to save the business. The ex-husband really believes he is morally entitled. The boss believes that testing staff’s commitment and making spontaneous plans is a good strategy when the pressure is on to get the most out of people. The corporation believes it’s salary budget is already at max given the reinvestment in infrastructure it wants to roll out.

They are not against you – they are just for themselves.

A tough but powerful step on the road to happiness. Taking more responsibility, not less. Looking at where 100% responsibility is on offer. By taking the lessons and absorbing some discomfort now, we pave the way for a happier and more comfortable ride ahead.

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