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Tag: Relationships

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2022 Communication Relationships

Just how annoying is the “You should just…” when you share something

Last week I observed someone who was sharing (with a certain amount of bravery I might add) the details of a breakup with a friend (sister?) in a cafe. They were met with a disappointing lack of empathy and a heap of really unhelpful “advice” they so clearly were SO not ready for.

It was hard to hear! This is what I would have liked the friend/sister to have known…

Just how annoying the “You should just…” is when you share something that is troubling you ?

Some of the time we are just venting or processing out loud and not looking for input or solutions. Having a solution rammed down our throat and our hurt invalidated does NOT feel good and it not helpful ?

We can all get better at this and model helpful behaviour so we have more chance of getting it in return later.

?‍♀️ “That sounds hard. Tell me more”

?‍♀️ “That sounds really tough. Do you want to bounce possible solutions or do you just need to vent right now? What do you need? I’m listening”.

?‍♀️ ”I haven’t been in your shoes on this but I’d love to help you. What do you need most right now?”

If someone is ASKING for your input and advice – give it! That fresh perspective can be SO helpful. But…listen closely before you jump in…ARE they asking for it yet?! ?‍♀️ Maybe the most helpful thing you can do in this moment is listen really closely and offer a shoulder.

If you are not sure if it’s time to offer possible solutions – just ASK! It’s hard to see someone we care about suffering, but timing is everything. You may have the perfect solution if perspective but they need to be READY to HEAR it!

Also, bear in mind…you can only ever know a small slice of what’s really going on for them. Even if you feel you have been directly in their shoes, YOU HAVEN’T!

So BE KIND ?

And if you are on the receiving end, don’t be be afraid to ask for what you need – people welcome clarity (even if that clarity is telling them to button it!) Listen to what’s helpful but only take what resonates.

Only YOU know what it’s like to BE YOU in the situation you are in. Take that support but also trust hard in your own intuition to know what’s right for you ?

Categories
2020 2021 Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Relationships

It’s the most wonderfully dramatic time of the year!

Let’s talk Christmas Drama!

Christmas can be such a trigger as it thrusts people who are used to having their OWN say and OWN space together into a confined space, add in a heap of OLD dynamics (and alcohol!) and old expectations on behaviour and authority and you can get a really explosive mix!

Social conventions that usually apply between friends/ acquaintances/ colleagues often don’t apply in the same way with family so that restraint of social convention doesn’t hold as much water as it does in other situations where things would just not get said and tongues would temporarily get bitten to keep the peace.

This quote today I think is a really nice way of rising above.

We simply DON’T have to attend every argument we are invited to.

We can let other people play out their thing and choose not to get dragged in. To simply say “I’ve heard you” but then not follow them down the rabbit hole. For the few days of festive celebration, this can be a really liberating approach. Basically what happens is because you withdraw your energy from the complaint/argument it’s like a fire starved of oxygen: it will go out.

You become NO FUN to play that old argument/complaint dance with – and so – that person will go seek it elsewhere.

Remember – it’s YOUR energy and focus – YOU get to decide where it goes. You can decide to fuel the fire or starve it.

You don’t have to attend every argument you are invited to.

Isn’t that good to know?

Categories
Emotional Honesty Post Lockdown Relationships Self belief Self Care and Self Love

Is someone being mean to you? I won’t have that!

Why does this person keep upsetting me? 

Does someone in your life keep upsetting you? It happens to the best of us, and I am afraid to say that experiencing pain and hurt is part of the human experience for us all. However – there are things we can do – and I believe that starts with us asking ourselves the right question. 

  • It could be a friend who repeatedly cancels your plans. 
  • A colleague who doesn’t pull their weight. 
  • A partner who repeatedly talks over you. 
  • A family member who cuts you down time and time again. 

It can become a repetitive pattern of hurt in the fabric of your life. 

And what are we likely to do? We keep questioning “Why does that person keep hurting me?” They can see it hurts me, why do they keep doing or saying that thing? Can’t they see how much it is hurting me? We wonder “How can they do or say that thing?” We turn these questions over and over in our minds. 

And nothing changes. We keep feeling hurt and we wonder why they continue to do it. 

Here’s the thing. We are asking ourselves the wrong question. The question isn’t “Why does that person keep hurting me?” The real question is “Why do I keep letting them?”

When we change the question and bring the power back to ourselves by directing it at ourselves, “I”, not the hurtful person in question, we can start getting some answers that will actually help. 

“Why do I keep letting them hurt me?” leads to self-awareness. It could be “Because I don’t tell her it offends me when she cancels “ to “I take on the extra work because I am too scared to confront the issue” to “I’m scared she will leave me if I speak up” to “He’s always talked down to me, since I was a child, and we’ve never reset the boundaries of our communication now I am an adult because I am too scared to rock the boat”. 

The reason we keep letting people hurt us is usually fear. Fear that we can’t handle the reaction of the other person if we speak our minds. Fear that they won’t approve or agree. 

Fear that we simply can’t handle confrontation. 

Fear that we won’t be seen as a “good” or accommodating person. 

So, to avoid that fear we keep letting them hurt us. 

But…it can be another way. We can act from self-love and respect, not fear. We can choose to not allow ourselves to be hurt on an ongoing basis. We can choose to speak up and cope with whatever the reaction is. We can choose to distance ourselves from that person or relationship for a time. We can choose to place our thoughts elsewhere rather than dwell on why the person that hurt us should be different. We can take our time, our energy, and our focus and place it where it doesn’t hurt. 

Taking our emphasis from how we want the other person to change in thought, word, or deed to what we can change in ourselves reduces suffering and pain. It’s the fastest route to stop feeling upset. When someone keeps upsetting you – start by asking the right question. 

 

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In this article I am talking about emotional hurt: if someone is physically hurting you please get immediate help from the police or a domestic abuse organisation in your area/country. Lx

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Categories
2020 Happiness High Energy Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Post Lockdown

Dance In Your Own Space

Girl dancing

Remember “Dirty Dancing?” The late Patrick Swayze in his prime. The kooky Jennifer Grey (whatever happened to her?) in the most archetypal 80’s movie of froth and fun and burning romance. Oh, the sweet agony of love!

Well, you know the scene where he is teaching her to dance? There is a bit where she keeps stepping on him, not holding her arms rigid to create the space between them. “Look, spaghetti arms” he says, marking it out with his arms. “This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine. You gotta hold the frame”. By being aware of that space between them and honouring it in the way they moved, they both performed so much better. Then, later… the long-awaited moment with the clinch, the tension unbearable, he moves in to kiss her…”You’re invading my dance space. This is my dance space” she retorts coquetishly “That’s yours. Let’s cha-cha”.

Here’s the thing about smart busy people who have no energy. They are doing a heap of stuff for other people.

Maddy, the extra young grandmother who was doing the parenting for her daughter’s daughter. Harriet who was making 3 meals a day, 7 days a week for her entirely grown-up family of self-sufficient men. Sarah who was breadwinning and working herself literally to the bone to support her entirely capable husband and brother. I see it again, and again and again. Belinda who ran herself ragged doing everything for “the business” from the marketing and comms to fixing the printer at any hours or the day or night. Whatever it took.

Understand this.

If you take more responsibility that is actually reasonable, and you make that your role, then eventually everyone around you will expect that. Let’s be honest, if someone was happy to get up and feed your child in the middle of the night and you could sleep through, or make and clear up all your meals, or pay your rent, or do all your work so you don’t have to pay to hire someone else…well…that great isn’t it!? They must love doing that shit, if they keep doing it. That’s the obvious assumption to make.

Basically what has happened is you have stepped into someone else’s dance space, scooped up their responsibilities, and in a completely non-manipulative way (usually) that suits the other party just fine too. They think you LIKE doing all that stuff!!! So they step away. So you keep doing it. So the more you do. And the more tired you get.

This may or may not be accompanied by moaning. “I have to get to the supermarket, if I asked Bob to do it it would never happen”, or “If I don’t pick up that project it just won’t get done and the business will suffer”. Well sure, honey. But  – hear this – the status quo is never going to change if there is no consequences for the other party. If there is no pain point to get attention for someone to step up and own their own dance space they ain’t gonna just spontaneously do it.

The fascinating thing is that when YOU change up the status quo, provide the pain point or consequences, in a consistently delivered way then things change faster than you can ever believe. My clients are blown away by how quickly the people in their lives will step up into the void in their dance space if they themselves leave it.

So, make the change Spaghetti Arms. Get real, where are you actually stepping past the boundary of your own dance space into someone else’s? Start by step back, but in a smart transitioned way like Harriet did with her houseful of grown men for whom she was doing all the washing and cooking. She calmly explained why the change needed to happen and exactly what each person would be responsible for, She trained them on the new menu. She ordered the groceries so it would be easy and smooth and a good experience for everyone as they got started. She praised their efforts even when things were a little burned to start with. She didn’t expect perfection straight away (of course they are not going to do it exactly like you, but you know what, if you want more energy then you need to accept that some things will be done other people’s way, and that’s just fine). Guide them, then step back from their dance space and leave that space for them to step into. If you are permanently blocking it they will never step up or in.

YOU need to create the space. Now. Let’s Cha-Cha.

You can get the full series of questions and actions steps from this chapter in my (excellent and super helpful, if I say so myself!) book High Energy Happiness.

 

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You can order a signed copy of my book  High Energy Happiness here and I will get it sent straight out to you.  Enjoy! 

 

 

Categories
2020 Communication Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships

4 phrases to use instead of “I’m fine” (when you’re not)

Relationships

4 phrases to have better relationships in your life, both at home and at work

Relationships can be so full of drama, at home, at work, at the school gates, with family and friends. Sometimes relationships can really drift without us knowing or we can be unsure where we really stand.

It’s also frighteningly easy for relationships to get stuck in a rut, just ticking along, with a liberal smattering of “I’m fine”, functional exchanges of “Have you unloaded the dishwasher yet” and thinking (but not saying) “I cannot believe I have to ask you to do that again”.

By consciously opening up positive lines of communication we can change so much with just a few simple words. Here are 4 simple phrases that you can use at home, and at work, to get some ease and flow back. Think of these as an easy injection of oil in the wheels of the relationship:

  1. I really appreciate that you…

It can be so easy to always be picking at the negatives: no one is perfect after all. Yes, it would be easier if everyone did everything our way all the time, but that’s not reality! Refocusing ourselves to look for the positive and actually verbalising it can make an enormous difference to how both parties feel. It’s easy for other people to feel they are being taken for granted, but showing what you DO appreciate (rather than what you don’t) you reward that behaviour so you are more likely to see more of it in future.

  1. Is there something you’d like me to change or do more or less of?

Being open to constructive feedback ourselves shows we are willing to change and willing to compromise, or at the least open to having a discussion about it. It shows we know we are not perfect, and we value the other person’s thoughts. We don’t have to take all their suggestions on board, but it does open the lines of communication to what is often astonishingly revelatory. There can be small things we do that drive other people absolutely kerazeee that we would be more than happy to alter once we know about it.

  1. I’d love to learn…. can you show me?

Being open to learning and being teachable breaks down communication barriers in an instant. It demonstrates that we recognise someone else’s skill and nothing is more flattering than being asked to teach someone else our tricks.

  1. You know what you are awesome at….

Using genuine compliments is an incredibly powerful way of changing up the energy and intention in a relationship. Compliments are gifts of words, and it’s the equivalent of a verbal bouquet. Sometimes we can get so stuck in the day to day that we stop seeing how amazing that colleague/partner/sister is. Flowers mean a lot when they are delivered on a birthday or anniversary, but they mean even more when they are a random bouquet “just because you deserve it/I was thinking about you/I wanted to make you smile because you are special to me”. Compliments make a big impact in the ease of a relationship, and…they are free: use liberally!

These 4 phrases will work like oil to grease the engines in your relationships – try and use at least 2 today.

Categories
2020 Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Love your body Love Your Work Positive Thought Strategy Resilience Self Care and Self Love

Relationships: How to get EXACTLY what you want (at work and home)

Relationships

Not getting what you want? Look at what you are giving.

Here’s an interesting thing. We are often not getting what we want. We may not be getting the money we feel we deserve. Or the amount of love and affection we want. Or the recognition we want. Or the help and support we need.

Not getting what we want is kinda part of the human condition.

What can we do about it?

Mostly what we do about it is have a nice big fat moan. Right?!

“My boss just doesn’t appreciate me like he should.” “My husband should support me more around the house.” “My mother is never loving towards me.” “My friend is never really interested in what I am doing, she never asks.”

Venting feels good.

It also keeps us focused on what we are NOT getting. The LACK or absence of the thing that we want.

Which doesn’t make much of a difference. If any. The situation will generally just perpetuate. We remain unloved. Disrespected. Undervalued. Unsupported. Whatever.

Here’s the thing: We can’t magically change other people to give us what we want.

We are not in direct control of that.

But, what we ARE in control of is ourselves. And what makes a powerful difference in these situations is to turn the question around. Instead of looking at what we are not getting, look at what we ARE in control of instead – and that is what we are GIVING.

Now I know when you feel hard done by the last thing you want to do is give MORE. I totally get that. And that’s not exactly what I mean. Dig a little deeper.

“If you are not happy with what you are getting –  have a good think about what you are giving.”

When I asked Janelle, who was feeling very let down by her husband for not supporting her fledging business, when was the last time she had demonstrated her support for his work she drew a blank. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had even asked him about his day let alone his work she was so wrapped up in her new project!  She was expecting him to do something for her she wasn’t prepared to do in return. She was, in fact, getting exactly what she was giving. Nothing.

When Polly was seething about her ex-husband continually disrespecting their longstanding childcare arrangements, I asked when she had last demonstrated respect for herself and re-stated her boundaries clearly, calmly and firmly, detailing the consequences of crossing those boundaries – she hadn’t. She was asking him to give her more respect for her boundaries than she was demonstrating to herself. She wanted him to respect what she wasn’t even prepared to respect herself enough to voice out loud.

Caron was fuming that her husband made a comment about how she looked in a particular outfit. When she looked at what she was actually giving in terms of respect to looking after her body and being appreciative of her own body she was hard pressed to answer with any positives at all. She was asking him to love something she was repeatedly saying and thinking was unworthy of love. She wanted him to give her something that was the exact opposite of what she was giving out.

Here’s the thing: We get back what we give.

If we disrespect our own boundaries we should be less surprised that others disrespect them too. If we do not love and appreciate our body we make it harder for others to do so. If we are always looking at how much money we don’t have and give out that message of “not enough” then we are going to get a feeling and a reality of not enough money.

This awareness is a GOOD thing. Because all of this is in our own hands!

We have the power to change up the dynamic and when we change what we give out we will get something different in return.

To paraphrase the great Rolling Stones… You can’t always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes (and look at what you are giving not just at what you are not getting) you might just find, you get what you need.

Categories
Emotional Honesty Energy Boosters Live Happy Inspiration Relationships

Cruel Yule – when Christmas kicks your ass

Cruel Yule

Not too soon to start talking Christmas Lunch is it, my lovelies? My tree is already up so I reckon it’s fair game.

It’s got political over the years has Christmas Lunch. Who is hosting. Where. What’s to be eaten. Arrival times. Gift expectations. Who is doing the washing up. How soon is it impolite to leave. And I was going to write about that – but then I thought…y’know…you are smart people…you can figure that out. There will be a million bits of advice on how to delegate and bring a plate and whatnot.

Let’s talk about something else that probably won’t be covered: loss at Christmas.

Christmas is generally the most joyful time of year, but for someone going through a hard time it’s hands down the bleakest.

There is something unbelievably emotionally polarising about the festive season. There is nothing like being expected to be happy and jolly to focus the mind on what has been lost.

It is a cruel truth at Yule that for each person bemoaning how many presents they have to buy or wrap, someone else would dearly love to have that special someone to buy for. And, for everyone that loves it – from tinsel to turkey – there is someone who simply can’t wait for it to be over.

Family circumstances change all the time. Death, separation, divorce, estrangement, addiction, depression, emigration. When a season is all about family this can be hard. When you are used to being in the bosom of a family and then find you are suddenly but effectively childless and family-less after drop-off on Christmas Eve, it can be utterly discombobulating, post-divorce. When you are used to Dad cooking his special festive BBQ and he is suddenly not there your whole world is rocked to its core.

If you are in a good place this Christmas then all power to you! Squeeze every ounce of joy from it! But also, take just moment’s pause from the prep. Look up. Listen up. Is there anyone who might benefit from joining you? Someone feeling lonely, displaced, unwelcome? Or is there anyone in your circle you want to check in with and check they are doing okay?

If the thought of Christmas is incredibly confronting for your personal circumstances right now, I’m sorry and I see you. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you. Just because they haven’t offered or haven’t asked you how you are doing does not, repeat NOT, mean they don’t care. Ask for what you need. And, please, accept that hand when it is offered. You are neither a bother or a burden and you are welcome.

We are just at the point now that those who are secretly panicking on the inside about getting through Christmas will really be feeling it, so this week make it your mission to spread a little Christmas cheer ahead of time.

“A rising tide lifts all boats” said J. F. K. The natural joyfulness of the season can lift those who need it most if we all share a little love today.

WHERE TO GET HELP:

If you are worried about your own or someone else’s mental health, the best place to get help is your GP or local mental health provider. However, if you or someone else is in danger or endangering others, call police immediately on 111.

OR IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE:

• 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7)
• https://www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline
• YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633
• NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7)
• KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)
• WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (1pm to 11pm)
• DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 or TEXT 4202

Categories
4 Dimensional Wellness Energy Boosters Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships Summer

We MUST catch up before Christmas!

Summer Loving

We must catch up before Christmas!” – how often do you hear that in the last few weeks before Christmas?

When there is no actual time to do anything about it?! How many times do YOU say it, when you know there is no way you can really make it happen at that point, and you have a weirdly guilty feeling that you might just have said the exact same thing to them last year?

Okay, so sometimes this is just a social nicety that we say when we know full well we don’t want to really see them, and that they, in return, have no intention of seeing us either. Fine fine. Social niceties make the world a smoother place to navigate. We all know the game.

There are however likely a heap of people you genuinely DO want to see. And for one reason or another, your priorities have slipped over the winter and the social connection has not been there during the hunkering down period.

The quality of our life is largely defined by the quality (and quantity) of our social connections and interactions. Those connections give our life richness, purpose and meaning.

Given that is the case it doesn’t do any harm for us to put some additional intentionality and priority round it today.

Riddle me this:

  • Who, when you actually consider it, haven’t you seen this past year that you really would like to?
  • Who lights up your world? Who is worth going out of your way for?
  • Who do you ACTUALLY want to see before Christmas?
  • Who isn’t physically near you but is incredibly important to you? Can you plan a trip? Failing that can you surprise them with a Facetime or Skype call?
  • Who has made a positive impact on your life this year? Why? How do you want to acknowledge that?
  • Who do you want by your side at Christmas? Who do you want by your side at New Year?
  • Who do you keep saying you must get together, but don’t? Do you really want to see them? If so, get it sorted. If no, stop saying it.
  • Is there anyone with whom you want to clear the air or make amends with? Clear the air, and feel free for the new year. 
  • Is there a group thing where you can kill multiple birds  – by hosting or attending – to connect with three or more of the above people?
  • Can you organise an active catch up that is not just coffee or wine? A walk in the bush? Swim at the beach? Surf? Playpark with the kids? A shared activity builds more memories and connection.

 Not all connection needs to be one on one, and time-intensive.

This is a great reflection exercise, to make sure you include all the people who are truly important to you.

Your best summer will be only best summer when you have the best people at your side.

 

Categories
Communication Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration

I Made A Mistake…

I Made A Mistake

I want to talk about mistakes today; it’s coming up with a lot of my clients right now.

Mistakes are natural. They are a part of life. We don’t know what we don’t know, after all. Making mistakes is an essential part of learning and progress: it’s the raw material our evolution and growth are fashioned from.  Trying something and getting an unexpected outcome; then adjusting our approach is the positive upside to mistakes. They are how we get to know more. Do better. Be better.

However, one of my favourite authors Paulo Coelho wrote: “a mistake repeated more than once is a decision”. I’ve got to say I think there’s a lot of merit in this perspective.

When people get caught out there can be a real tendency to avoid self-reflection, personal growth and taking responsibility by using the one size fits all phrase, “I made a mistake”.

I’ve seen people hiding behind “I made a mistake” like some sort of magical get out of jail free card when that behaviour has been repeated dozens, hundreds of times. Over years. Decades even. It’s a ruse to avoid looking unpalatable behaviour in the eye.

Know this. That is NOT “a mistake”, that is an absolute conscious CHOICE.  If you are big enough / old enough / ugly enough to engage in whatever the inappropriate behaviour is repeatedly…

(and believe me, in my job I get to see it all: Coworkers embezzling. Spouses cheating (with the best friend). Families hiding inheritance money. Partners secretly selling off property to buy drugs. Physical and emotional abuse. And so on.)

…if you are you are big enough / old enough / ugly enough to engage in whatever the behaviour repeatedly is, THEN YOU ARE BIG ENOUGH / OLD ENOUGH / UGLY ENOUGH TO OWN IT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES!

Hiding behind “I made a mistake”, frankly, is BS of the highest order. It attempts to evade the consciousness of the choice that was repeatedly made.

I’m not buying it. You shouldn’t either.

Categories
4 Dimensional Wellness Energy Boosters Happiness Self Care and Self Love

Baby, it’s cold outside: 5 totally unusual tips to move that mood! #4

Intention and Impact

Winter Wellbeing #4: Intention and Impact

Winter is a great time for reflection. For being rather than doing. Pausing the boxset for an hour to sit by the fire and reflect with intent can be a great way to do a winter reset around your health, happiness and wellbeing.

If you ask some people what he/she “should be” doing for his/her wellbeing you will get hella long list.

Something like…

Must exercise before work every day. At least an hour. Drink a green juice every day. Eat more protein. Make sure drink enough water (in BPA safe bottle obvs). And lift heavy things for bone density (kettlebells?). Rest more. But, er, also do more. Bootcamp. Cook from scratch every meal. More pulses? Get in 5 a day. 7 really. Do squats whilst cleaning teeth. Oh teeth, must get organic toothpaste. And aluminium-free deodorant. Do not get stressed! Yes definitely be less stressed. Meditate. 20 mins a day. Every day….AND SO ON.

PHEW. IT’S FREAKING EXHAUSTING!

This is why we find it so hard to stick to wellbeing habits; total overwhelm. When you see it all written down like that it seems fairly crazy-pants that anyone could ever keep on top of a percentage of that regularly.

Know this: the BEST wellbeing actions you can choose are the ones that you:

a) Actually DO consistently
b) Create maximum IMPACT

You can’t do everything: FACT!

So, let’s stop putting ridiculous pressure and expectations on ourselves and look for IMPACT AND CONSISTENCY, and then focus on FEELING GOOD ABOUT IT! That’s wellbeing, yes?

So, reflect on this: what wellbeing habit (can be small or large) do you wish you HAD STARTED 5 YEARS AGO AND KEPT UP CONSISTENTLY?

Big question! Resist the urge to write 19 answers and batter your self-esteem – start working that DISCERNMENT MUSCLE – what’s the ONE THING that would have been the highest impact choice?

Make that ONE choice TODAY.

Want to read Tip One? Click here. Tip Two is here & Tip Three here.

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