Tag: Say What You Mean

This is the Complaints Department – how can I help you?

Post author By Support Elf
Post date May 18, 2021
No Comments on This is the Complaints Department – how can I help you?

Comfort V’s resolution.

I have a complaint to make! Specifically about the amount of complaining that goes on. Go on, tell me, list it right now – what’s one thing/person/situation that’s really winding you up right now? Something that’s been frustrating for a while.

Go: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay. Now list for me the last person you told about this problem: ________________________________________________________________________________

And, just for good measure – what would be a great resolution for you to this totally annoying sitch? What do you want to happen? What would fix it?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Roger that.

So – here’s the thing. What is horribly common with most ongoing complaints, is that pretty much most of the time we don’t take the complaint to the person or place who can actually do something about it. We complain to our spouse about the marketing department delivering creative late again. We complain to our peer that one of our staff or our boss isn’t pulling their weight. We complain to our best friend that our partner doesn’t help round the house enough. We tell the boys that the golf pro is always late turning up for the scheduled lesson. We tell the lady in the coffee shop on the adjacent table that the coffee is good but the cake is a bit dry. We tell the girls that the daycare doesn’t do as much educational play as they should. We tell everyone on Facebook that the flight was delayed. And so on.

Essentially we take our complaints – not to the Complaints Department – but to Menswear On Three, or Home Furnishings in the basement. And – sympathetic though those departments may be – they cannot fix the problem. And so – whilst we may feel temporary relief at venting – the situation perpetuates, and our complaining continues.

Why do we so often take our complaint somewhere other than the source? It’s strange when you think about it, given that it’s only the source who actually has a potentially shot at fixing it.

Because its risk free that’s why. It does not require us to step up and be courageous enough to have a tough conversation or take tough action to schedule a meeting to take the Marketing Director to task. It’s much more comfortable to vent to Brenda about the daycare then go meet with the centre manager and say the standard isn’t acceptable and ask what potential changes could be made. It’s easier to gossip in the café than risk offending the nice barista over the disappointing cake. It’s easier to vent with the girls/boys than have an uncomfy convo with the spouse about sex or housework or money. It’s easier to complain about the pay than to front up and ask for a payrise or go do the training course that would put us in line for promotion. Complaining feels like relief because it’s stress free and it’s risk free. Essentially complaining to people other than the source keeps us well within our comfort zone.

The real question then is – do we want to feel comfortable more than we want the situation resolved? Or, do we want the situation resolved more than we want to feel comfortable?

If the answer is to choose comfort over resolution – then we will be stuck in the loop of complaining for much time to come. And that’s okay – if that is indeed what we want. Stop holding out for a magical resolution or for things to just magically fix themselves and stay comfortable with the venting and the problem itself.

However – if we decide we want the situation resolved and are prepared to feel uncomfortable temporarily in order to achieve that, then a whole new world opens up to us:

If we accept a degree of risk. If we speak up. Request what we want. Demand what we want. Give options. Change our communication. Try something new. Try an alternative. Leave. If we take our complaint to the actual place it has any chance of being resolved – the Complaints Department – it will require varying degrees of courage – but the only way OUT of a niggling ongoing complaint situation is THROUGH – you have to take it to the place where you can get resolution. And that is the source.

For sure, take your advice and sounding board from others as a sense check if that feels good. A second opinion can be really useful. But then – if you find you are complaining about the same thing for the third coffee catch up in a row – its time to take the bull by the horns and take it to where it actually belongs.

Be brave. Take a risk. Ask for efficiency. Ask for respect. Ask for bonus air miles. Ask for a raise. Ask for fresh baked cake.

The real Complains Department can help you with all of that. You’ve just got to ask.

Tags challenging beliefs, flexible thinking, Say What You Mean

2020 Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Love your body Love Your Work Positive Thought Strategy Resilience Self Care and Self Love

Relationships: How to get EXACTLY what you want (at work and home)

Post author By Support Elf
Post date May 18, 2020
No Comments on Relationships: How to get EXACTLY what you want (at work and home)

Not getting what you want? Look at what you are giving.

Here’s an interesting thing. We are often not getting what we want. We may not be getting the money we feel we deserve. Or the amount of love and affection we want. Or the recognition we want. Or the help and support we need.

Not getting what we want is kinda part of the human condition.

What can we do about it?

Mostly what we do about it is have a nice big fat moan. Right?!

“My boss just doesn’t appreciate me like he should.” “My husband should support me more around the house.” “My mother is never loving towards me.” “My friend is never really interested in what I am doing, she never asks.”

Venting feels good.

It also keeps us focused on what we are NOT getting. The LACK or absence of the thing that we want.

Which doesn’t make much of a difference. If any. The situation will generally just perpetuate. We remain unloved. Disrespected. Undervalued. Unsupported. Whatever.

Here’s the thing: We can’t magically change other people to give us what we want.

We are not in direct control of that.

But, what we ARE in control of is ourselves. And what makes a powerful difference in these situations is to turn the question around. Instead of looking at what we are not getting, look at what we ARE in control of instead – and that is what we are GIVING.

Now I know when you feel hard done by the last thing you want to do is give MORE. I totally get that. And that’s not exactly what I mean. Dig a little deeper.

“If you are not happy with what you are getting – have a good think about what you are giving.”

When I asked Janelle, who was feeling very let down by her husband for not supporting her fledging business, when was the last time she had demonstrated her support for his work she drew a blank. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had even asked him about his day let alone his work she was so wrapped up in her new project! She was expecting him to do something for her she wasn’t prepared to do in return. She was, in fact, getting exactly what she was giving. Nothing.

When Polly was seething about her ex-husband continually disrespecting their longstanding childcare arrangements, I asked when she had last demonstrated respect for herself and re-stated her boundaries clearly, calmly and firmly, detailing the consequences of crossing those boundaries – she hadn’t. She was asking him to give her more respect for her boundaries than she was demonstrating to herself. She wanted him to respect what she wasn’t even prepared to respect herself enough to voice out loud.

Caron was fuming that her husband made a comment about how she looked in a particular outfit. When she looked at what she was actually giving in terms of respect to looking after her body and being appreciative of her own body she was hard pressed to answer with any positives at all. She was asking him to love something she was repeatedly saying and thinking was unworthy of love. She wanted him to give her something that was the exact opposite of what she was giving out.

Here’s the thing: We get back what we give.

If we disrespect our own boundaries we should be less surprised that others disrespect them too. If we do not love and appreciate our body we make it harder for others to do so. If we are always looking at how much money we don’t have and give out that message of “not enough” then we are going to get a feeling and a reality of not enough money.

This awareness is a GOOD thing. Because all of this is in our own hands!

We have the power to change up the dynamic and when we change what we give out we will get something different in return.

To paraphrase the great Rolling Stones… You can’t always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes (and look at what you are giving not just at what you are not getting) you might just find, you get what you need.

Tags 2020, achievement, being present, challenging beliefs, flexible thinking, Happiness, Relationships, Say What You Mean

Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress

Define Your Choices

We are lucky, lucky people. Lucky!

We live in a time and location of almost infinite abundance and choice. We have more choices at our disposal than any generation that came before us. We have the sum of all human knowledge accessible 24/7 in the palm of our hands. We live in the age of not just unlimited information, but of unlimited choice. It’s a great time to be on planet Earth.

Our choices define us. Who we are. The life we lead. The future that’s coming for us.

Our choices lay bare our priorities and our principles. Even when we think we have no choice we always have a choice. The only thing we HAVE to do is breathe, everything after that is a choice. Annoying, but true.

Our choices reveal our true priorities. Not what we say our priorities are – but what they REALLY are. Other people’s choices say the same about them – they are a literal demonstration of true priority in action.

We think we are not choosing when we are.

The truth of life is that in every moment that we say YES to one thing, we are saying NO to something else.

We say yes to being kind and patient to the supermarket checkout person and no to being irritable and rushed.
We say yes to Netflix and couch time and no to a walk before dinner.
We say yes to one form of income and no to another.
We say yes to letting someone go before us in the traffic and no to closing the gap and making them wait.
Or we say yes to playing with the kids and no to playing with our phone.

Life can sometimes get off course when we forget that every single moment we absolutely have a choice.

What and who are you saying yes to? What and who are you saying no to?

A million tiny sovereign choices, every hour, day, week are what comprise our life.

Your choices define you. Choose well.

Tags challenging beliefs, flexible thinking, positive thinking, Say What You Mean, Stress Management, Take Responsibility

Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Relationships Self Care and Self Love

How to give YOURSELF a Time Out

Post author By Support Elf
Post date July 2, 2019
No Comments on How to give YOURSELF a Time Out

Much is made (by wellbeingey, feelgoodery people like me!) of “Being Present”. That we will all be healthier and happier if we are more connected to “the now” and present with who and what we are doing, when we are actually doing it. True Dat.

There is however another equally important, yet far less discussed perspective to the “Be Present” position.

I also think it’s important to know:

It’s TOTALLY okay not to be “on” 24/7 and engaged in every single convo going on around you.

It’s TOTALLY okay to have an enjoyable, meandering, noodle on Instagram on your phone.

It’s TOTALLY okay not to listen to every single word someone wants to share with you.

AS LONG AS YOU OWN YOUR ABSENCE.

If you can be present, and you choose to be present: BE ALL THERE.

If you don’t have the capacity, the time, the attention, the mind space: LET THEM KNOW.

OWN YOUR ABSENCE.

It’s yours. You can do that. It belongs to you.

Be clear. Be unambiguous.

Say “I can see you have something on your mind you want to share but I just cannot give you my full attention right now. Can we talk properly over dinner?”

“Hon, I adore you, I’ve loved chatting with you over coffee – but I just need to check my email. I’d like to take 10 minutes and then resume the chats! – is that cool with you?”

Turn your phone on silent, go lay on the bed, and play on Instagram to your heart’s content with no one else expecting anything from you in that moment. Immerse yourself and enjoy.

If you are not going to be present (which is fine, no one can be all the time) OWN YOUR ABSENCE with clarity and intent.

If you liked this blog, you will lovelovelove my Coaching Academy.

Smart, practical tools that you can download, put into practice and get support and accountability as you up-level your wellbeing in an amazing community of like-minded women. Create a life you love, and a body you love living in and enjoy wellbeing without the overwhelm – just click here to join and I’ll see you inside!

Tags Relationships, Say What You Mean, Stress Management, Take Responsibility

Relationships

An easy way to improve your love and connection in life today

Post author By Support Elf
Post date May 6, 2014
2 Comments on An easy way to improve your love and connection in life today

Do you know what, there are many, many reasons why life coaching works so incredibly effectively to transform health, life and happiness (another post there to come I think!) but there is one that has really stood out for me this week. I read a very powerful quote and it just rocked my world. It is this:

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

– Stephen Covey. 1932 –2012. Author, Speaker. Educator. Businessman.

I think one of the foundational reasons why coaching is so effective is because it is a process of active, truly active and empathetic listening. When I am coaching I am 101% with that person. And you do you know what I think, that kind of attention is incredibly rare these days and that’s why it makes such an enormous difference.

When I look back at other jobs I might have been saying “Yes John, great suggestion, let’s get those other stakeholders informed”, but I would be present and listening to John with probably only 50% of my attention. The other 50% was spilt between trying to get a bit of airtime to say what I wanted to say, and the rest taken up with distracted stream of consciousness that went something like “good lord he is such a pompous ass. How did he get this job? Who knows. Must get out of here on time, want to get to the supermarket. Must ring Mum and Dad tonight, ask how that theatre trip went…” That stream of consciousness was at least 25% of my attention, and the other 25% was me listening just for the gap where I could jump in with my own stuff. I would be interrupting like crazy in order to try and get my point in. I don’t think I am unusual or alone in that. I think that’s the pretty much the norm. We are all busy. We are all multitasking like Mo Fo’s. We have split attention pretty much most of the time. We have stuff to say and we want to get it said!

Coaching is SO different from this. When I coach my full mind and every cell of my body is focused on what the client is saying, not even a small bit is thinking “mmmm, whats for dinner” like before. I am completely 101% present. Completely focused on what they need. I’m not trying to talk about, or even think about my stuff, at all, I’m completely focused on their stuff. It’s a completely different level of attention, and it creates a completely different type of experience. There is no going through the motions or trying to force a space so I can reply.

It’s occurred to me that the amount of time in life when we actually get 100% of someone’s attention is actually disturbingly rare. I used to have a friend who was extraordinary adept at turning the conversation back to herself. Literally, two degrees of conversational separation, every time. One minute it would be “How are you?” with one perfunctory follow up question I have barely answered, and bam, social niceties satisfied we would back into her stuff again. I am not sure she ever really heard a word I said. She was so focused on getting to say her stuff that my stuff felt like the warm up act for her stuff.

Obviously there are always ebbs and flows in a friendship, but watch for the pattern. If someone is only listening to you in order to find a neat segue for their own stuff, well, that’s not really listening is it? It’s cueing. It’s listening for a cue to get your own stuff in there. I know I have been guilty of this all too often too. Listening purely with the intent to reply, and interrupting like crazy. Cueing is not listening. It’s very much the poor cousin of listening. It’s second class listening.

Here’s the thing: there is soooooo much gold when we stop and truly listen. When we dig below the surface, even just a little bit. I see people blossom before my eyes just from having someone listen to them wholeheartedly. Can we do this all the time? No, and neither do we want to, the days are short and there is much to be done, it’s just not possible to listen at 100% in every interaction. However I think there is a real argument for us to choose one interaction a day where we choose to build and deepen connection by increasing empathetic attention to 100%. Our energy and our attention are gifts and taking the time to really listen can transform people. Feeling truly heard by another human being is an increasingly rare experience in our increasingly digital and sound bite driven world. But when it happens, it feels amazing.

Here are some active listening questions to get you started:

Tell me more about that?

That sounds really interesting. What was the best/worst moment?

Wow. That’s fascinating. Tell me more about how that happened/why you chose to do that?

What happens next for you with that/him/her? What would you like to have happen?

Once a day, select someone special to bestow the gift of your attention. Challenge yourself to dig down and ask a minimum of 3 follow up questions, not the obligatory one. Listen. Really listen. Not just with your ears. Listen with your heart and your soul. When we really listen it’s amazing what we can hear.

I’d love to listen to what you have to say, have a great week.

Tags being present, flexible thinking, Relationships, Say What You Mean

Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

Magic Words for Grown-Ups

Want to transform your work or home life with just four little words? Well, it’s easy…just Say What You Mean. Be aware of what you need, what works for you and what doesn’t and actually voice it. Say. What. You. Mean. So simple yet so many of us struggle with it and hope someone will read our mind.

It’s a key concept to master. Had I thought it through at the time it would have saved me from wasting an hour and a half of my life that will never return watching the movie ‘The Book Of Eli’ (have you seen it? Don’t. It’s truly terrible. Why Denzel, why?) and chosen something I really wanted to see. Why didn’t I do that? Because I had forgotten this simple principle that makes life a whole lot easier and more fun.

It sounds almost too simplistic to be true but so many people have issues with this concept. I know: I’ve been there myself, and I help clients with it every day. It’s very easy to get trapped in a weird kind of socially acceptable Double Think where our own needs are always at the end of the To Do list after everyone else has had their desires taken care of. If we are constantly at the end of our own To Do list we feel resentful and tired. We can also get expert in passively aggressively expressing that resentment which isn’t good for anyone.

Moving ourselves up our own To Do list can be breaking the habit of a lifetime. The main reasons I see clients avoiding doing this is because of the following misconceptions:

My needs are less important than my children/spouse/boss/cat
He/She should be able to know what I need/would make me happy
If I say what I mean there will be conflict and it will be horrible

What this boils down to is:

Completely illogically thinking that other people’s needs are more important than our own. How can that be? It makes no sense. Our needs are equally as important as any another human being.
Expecting our spouse, friends and colleagues to be mind readers: which of course they are not. A sure fire recipe for disappointment.
Assuming that there will be conflict if we voice our needs. Actually in reality generally other people welcome the clarity and direction.

If you could do with a little more in your life that really pleases you try working through 4 easy steps:

Say: this is key…you need to actually voice it. Yes, that’s out loud. Take responsibility for your needs and voice what’s on your mind. You don’t need to be aggressive, just calmly state what’s important to you. Stop expecting everyone else to be a mind reader.

What: be specific. How can anyone really help or support you if they don’t understand exactly what it is that will make you happy? Instead of something vague ‘ I’d like it if I could choose a movie I liked for once’ be specific ‘I’d like to choose the movie on Saturday night this week’.

You: this is often the biggest stumbling block. After so many years of putting the needs of your spouse, children or workplace before your own it can be hard to actually tune into the fact that a) you have a need/preference yourself and b) it matters. Remember: your needs are equally as important as anyone else’s.

Mean: you don’t need to be mean but you do need to mean it! Let go of the false assumption that Saying What You Mean will always lead to conflict. You will be surprised how little it does. As you get more of what you want in your life you will find that you resent less of the things that don’t go your way or that you compromise on.

So, start small…speak up with the accounts department and say when you would like the report and that you think that’s a reasonable request; choose the restaurant that you really want to go to; take turns to pick the movie; say no to the party you just really don’t want to attend. I challenge my clients to Say What They Mean once a day as they start to break the habit of constantly deferring their own needs. It’s a fascinating process…the first few times they SWYM with utter trepidation waiting for the sky to fall. Then, the sky doesn’t fall, but spooky, they actually start getting What They Asked For most of the time! They find people like to please them for a change, and before you know it they are accelerating way past the once a day challenge without prompting. Why? Because life becomes easier, more fun, less resentful, when we own what we need to make us happy. They have more energy. Their spouses are happier because they can stop the guessing game of ‘what will keep her happy’. Life becomes a whole lot easier all round.

Will you get what you want every time? Absolutely Not. (Not unless you are Paris Hilton). But sure as hell will get it a lot more that you do when you don’t Say What You Mean. Start embracing these four simple little words and the balance of life will start to shift in your favour immediately.

Tags decision making, feeling states, Say What You Mean, wasted time

Uncategorized

Magic Words for Grown-Ups

Want to transform your work or home life with just four little words? Well, it’s easy…just Say What You Mean. Be aware of what you need, what works for you and what doesn’t and actually voice it. Say. What. You. Mean. So simple yet so many of us struggle with it and hope someone will read our mind.

It’s a key concept to master. Had I thought it through at the time it would have saved me from wasting an hour and a half of my life that will never return watching the movie ‘The Book Of Eli’ ( have you seen it? Don’t. It’s truly terrible. Why Denzel, why?) and chosen something I really wanted to see. Why didn’t I do that? Because I had forgotten this simple principle that makes life a whole lot easier and more fun.

Moving ourselves up our own To Do list can be breaking the habit of a lifetime. The main reasons I see clients avoiding doing this is because of the following misconceptions:

1. My needs are less important than my children/spouse/boss/cat

2. He/She should be able to know what I need/would make me happy

3. If I say what I mean there will be conflict and it will be horrible

What this boils down to is:

1. Completely illogically thinking that other people’s needs are more important than our own. How can that be? It makes no sense. Our needs are equally as important as any another human being.

2. Expecting our spouse, friends and colleagues to be mind readers: which of course they are not. A sure fire recipe for disappointment.

3. Assuming that there will be conflict if we voice our needs. Actually in reality generally other people welcome the clarity and direction.

If you could do with a little more in your life that really pleases you try working through 4 easy steps:

Say: this is key…you need to actually voice it. Yes, that’s out loud. Take responsibility for your needs and voice what’s on your mind. You don’t need to be aggressive, just calmly state what’s important to you. Stop expecting everyone else to be a mind reader.

What: be specific. How can anyone really help or support you if they don’t understand exactly what it is that will make you happy? Instead of something vague ‘ I’d like it if I could choose a movie I liked for once’ be specific ‘I’d like to choose the movie on Saturday night this week’.

You: this is often the biggest stumbling block. After so many years of putting the needs of your spouse, children or workplace before your own it can be hard to actually tune into the fact that a) you have a need/preference yourself and b) it matters. Remember: your needs are equally as important as anyone else’s.

Mean: you don’t need to be mean but you do need to mean it! Let go of the false assumption that Saying What You Mean will always lead to conflict. You will be surprised how little it does. As you get more of what you want in your life you will find that you resent less of the things that don’t go your way or that you compromise on.

So, start small…speak up with the accounts department and say when you would like the report and that you think that’s a reasonable request; choose the restaurant that you really want to go to; take turns to pick the movie; say no to the party you just really don’t want to attend. I challenge my clients to Say What They Mean once a day as they start to break the habit of constantly deferring their own needs. It’s a fascinating process…the first few times they SWYM with utter trepidation waiting for the sky to fall. Then, the sky doesn’t fall, but spooky, they actually start getting What They Asked For most of the time! They find people like to please them for a change, and before you know it they are accelerating way past the once a day challenge without prompting. Why? Because life becomes easier, more fun, less resentful, when we own what we need to make us happy. They have more energy. Their spouses are happier because they can stop the guessing game of ‘what will keep her happy’. Life becomes a whole lot easier all round.

Will you get what you want every time? Absolutely Not. (Not unless you are Paris Hilton). But sure as hell will get it a lot more that you do when you don’t Say What You Mean. Start embracing these four simple little words and the balance of life will start to shift in your favour immediately.

Tags Mind Reading, Say What You Mean

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