Tag: Mindfulness

What if it DOESN’T happen for a reason?

Post author By Support Elf
Post date March 11, 2023
No Comments on What if it DOESN’T happen for a reason?

Businessman pushing big stone up hill. Business start up difficulty, work struggle or effort. Man pull heavy rock boulder. Debt, job task problem, office hardship. Hard way to top. Vector illustration

A little something on the blog today for those of you who are struggling through at the moment. If anyone is saying to you “everything happens for a reason!” and you want to SCREAM as they say that…well, I’ve got something for you today.

I am the Queen of Finding The Silver Lining. The Duchess of Making Lemons Outta Lemonade. The High Priestess of Making The Best Of Things. I believe we have so much more room for optimism in our daily lives than we tend to create. I believe life is our life coaching laboratory and we can learn and improve so much just by approaching the day to day with consciousness: observing the patterns and meaning in what is going on around and inside of us. However. Recently a good friend lost her husband and so there is also that. Another friend has breast cancer and undergoing chemo. Many of you have recently lost your houses or livelihoods in extreme weather events. I’ve just heard that a friend’s sister-in-law has sepsis and has lost both her lower legs. Both!

Sometimes you simply cannot put a positive spin on things. Sometimes things really are just bloody appalling. And it’s okay to let them be horrendous and not pretend otherwise.

Sometimes there is no hidden meaning for us to wrestle with.

Sometimes people trill “It will make you stronger!” and “it’s all happened for a reason!” in a well-meaning fashion that totally subverts the scale of your personal tragedy…. it’s okay to want to high five them, in the face, with a chair.

Sometimes you need to know it’s okay not to have your game face on. It’s okay to find a quiet corner and try to absorb the blow.

In order to rally (and you will) you need to acknowledge and feel the sides of your loss – the breadth and the depth of it. But what you don’t always need to do is find a hidden meaning.

Sometimes crappy things don’t have a purpose. They are just crappy. And that’s how it is.

Sometimes things don’t make sense in the moment, and they may never do. There is no hidden meaning or purpose. They just are.

You can drive yourself bonkers trying to work out why it happened to you, or how it will ultimately serve you, or what you inadvertently did to make it happen in the first place or what the hell it’s supposed to mean.

Here’s the thing. Periods of intense suffering are part of the human experience. I wish it were not so but it is. Transcending those periods are also part of the human experience. Those that do that with the most speed and grace are those who acknowledge the reality and scale of what’s occurred and don’t bury it in burgers or booze or pretend it’s fine when it really is not.

It’s okay not to always be strong and to let your game face slip for a time. You don’t have to always be strong. You can drop the mask of hardihood for a time. It’s okay.

Sometimes bad things just happen. They come. You endure. You rise. You move on. Maybe not the same as before but onward you will go.

There doesn’t need to be a hidden message or for it all to make sense. Maybe it will, ten, twenty years hence. Maybe it was all for a reason. Or maybe, it wasn’t and it won’t.

So you will get through. You cry. You get seriously unproductive for a while. You drop a few balls. You reach out. You hunker down. You endure. And then you move on.

Sometimes things are just bloody shocking. It happens to us all at some point, in a variety of hideous guises. You don’t need to find a purpose for it; you need to persevere through it. Look for your perseverance. It’s there. Be strong: keep going.

P.S. If you want support from me in the form of weekly answers to your questions and personal dilemmas, as well as an incredible community at your back and more coaching tools than you can conceive of then do check out my Life Coaching Academy. It’s the gold standard in strategic personal support and I’d be honoured to assist you through whatever is going on for you. You can also check out my VIP package if you need help. I’m here 🙂

Tags 2023, Mindfulness, Take Responsibility

2023 Happiness

Don’t call it too early

Self development and creativity concept. Young smiling woman standing watering blooming red flowers in head of female vector illustration

What do these things have in common?

The client who is distraught at the collapse of her marriage after finding her husband of 4 years had been cheating for 3, sure she would be a single mother forever and ever, and her life was over. O.V.E.R. A short time later, serendipitously meeting an old school friend, getting together, as an eager co-parent, and happier than ever before. “It was all worth it to be as happy as I am now, I’d never have found out how great things could be if I hadn’t gone through that”.

The client who was sure that the eleventy-billionth restructure at the corporate she had devoted the last 12 years of her working life to would end in redundancy. Which it did. Handily just before Christmas. “The market is so tight I’ll never find anything and Big Restructure Corp is all I know…this is a DISASTER”. She is already happy as a clam in a new role, in a medium-sized company with a whole different perspective on people management and culture – she is relaxed, sleeping well, and loving her work in a way she had forgotten she ever could. “Best thing everrrrrrr!” she laughs.

The old family friend who got royally blindsided by his business partner embezzling the company funds behind his back. A young family of 4 to support he never saw it coming. Total financial destruction. Overnight. “I had no choice, I just had to go and do this job that I honestly thought was beneath me. I would never have done that work before”. Turned out that the owners loved what he did so much they offered to fund a whole new business partnership that he ended up selling down the line for millions.

I could list dozens of these, and let’s be honest – you can too. A slew of personal anecdotes exist of someone “failing” cataclysmically, only to later snatch a much more prized victory from the jaws of defeat. What they “failed at” and left behind later becoming something they wouldn’t even want for themselves anymore. That what awaited on the other side of that failure was something so much shiner, a much bigger success they could ever have imagined for themselves.

The lesson in these common tales is that we tend to take score way too early. That if you are in the grip of what seems like an unmitigated failure right now, to see that perhaps…just perhaps…it’s a foundation leading you to something way superior. You just can’t see it yet. Perhaps it’s not a failure at all. Perhaps there was something you needed to learn there. Something you needed to let go of, in an albeit brutal fashion, in order to make way for something that will serve you better in the future.

Consider the possibility that it’s not a failure at all. Maybe it’s just incomplete success in disguise. Doesn’t that feel better? Whether it’s in the career area, or the money area, or the relationship space, or the owning your own home space or the health and fitness place – whatever it may be for you – maybe you are not in a place of failure at all. You are just in the transition phase of incomplete success.

So hold fast. Don’t call it too soon. The fat lady hasn’t even started warming up yet.

P.S. Want to change your life today? Join the Wellbeing Warriors Coaching Academy here…the gold standard in looking after your own mental health and physical wellbeing. You will never look back.

Tags 2023, flexible thinking, Happiness, Mindfulness

2022 Communication Self Care Sunday

Seriously people, we have to stop saying this…

Post author By Support Elf
Post date June 15, 2022
No Comments on Seriously people, we have to stop saying this…

If there is one phrase I would like to remove from the English language, it is “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

Seriously people, we have to stop saying this to traumatised individuals.

I realise it’s coming from a place of good intent and trying to be helpful, but, IT IS NOT.

It utterly invalidates other people’s experience, pain and trauma…AND (as if that were not enough!) also implies they should somehow be GRATEFUL for their suffering as it’s creating some handy personal development ?

I can’t even!

I know when this has been said to me in the depths of personal hellscape, it made me feel…

a) ANGRY (you want me to to grateful for this hell?)

and

b) ALONE (you obviously have NO IDEA what I am really going through here or you would not have said something so insulting / idiotic)

So, please let’s stop using this phrase, I know it’s well intentioned but it is unhelpful verging on damaging.

If you are unsure of what to say to someone who is in a personal hellscape, try these instead..

“I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I’m here for you in any way you need”

“I don’t know what to say but I do know I care about you deeply, and you can share anything you need with me, I’m here”

“This is all so shocking, it’s going to take you time to come to terms with it. I’m here for you”

Because, whether what doesn’t kill you may or may not make you stronger (and if it does that strength will be a long way up the road) IT’S JUST NOT HELPFUL in the moment. What doesn’t kill you can steal your sense of self and make you wish it did. That trauma needs to be seen, honoured and healed, not dismissed.

Has anyone said it to you? Did it help? I thought not!

Let’s collectively consign this outdated phrase to the bin where it belongs.

If you are going through hell right now, please reach out to your most thoughtful, empathetic people. You are not alone ?

Tags 2022, Mindfulness, self care sunday

2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy

Why worrying makes bad stuff happen!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date March 3, 2020
No Comments on Why worrying makes bad stuff happen!

Worrying is a pointless activity. Fact!

Worrying is focusing on a fear that is not currently present.

It’s worrying about a thing that may or may not happen later.

Most of the time it doesn’t even happen, but all that mental energy, emotional energy and headspace is gone, you can’t get that back.

And here’s another thing. Worrying actually makes the thing you are worrying about more likely to happen.

Yep, that’s right.

Worrying actually makes the thing you are worrying about more likely to happen.

How?

Well, firstly, worry makes you filter. Filtering is selective awareness of what’s going on around you. Our brains are built to filter because otherwise we couldn’t cope with the sheer volume of information around us.

Here’s an example of filtering. I got a new car a couple of years ago. I wasn’t that fussed about what I got as long as it was small enough so I could park it (ie. v small) and that it wasn’t another unreliable money eating machine. I settled on a blue Mazda 3 , never really seen one before but it ticked all the boxes and we got a good deal. Then, when driving about in the shiny new reliable blue Mazda 3 a funny thing happened. They are EVERYWHERE! Blue Mazda 3’s? Every third car is a blue Mazda 3. So many in fact that twice I tried to get into the wrong parked car (der…that’s why we now have a sticker on the back window to stop me doing that). Blue Mazda 3’s are super common but I honestly had never noticed one before I bought one, then I see them everywhere. Why? Filtering. My brain is filtering for the thing I put my attention on so I see it everywhere.

It’s how the brain works. So, if you are worrying about a thing, you are actually far more likely to find evidence for it as you have primed your brain to search for it. That makes worries far more likely to become real.

Reason number 2 that worrying makes the thing you don’t want more likely to happen is the basic Law Of Attraction. The more thoughts you put out there by continually worrying about a scenario you don’t want, the more likely The Universe is to energetically bring that back to you. That might be too woo-woo for you but I can assure you that it’s the truth. The Universe is programmed to bring you what you want. And it assumes that what you want is what you think about all the time. Worrying is a repetitive thought pattern. Hence, that’s what you are far more likely to get.

So, whether you like the brain science filtering explanation or the more woo-woo Law Of Attraction one, you can see that worrying is bad. And pointless.

Worrying is meditating on the thing you don’t want to happen.

So, stop it!

Decide what you DO want to happen, however unlikely that may seem, and focus your thoughts and energy on that.

It will make a HUGE difference to how enjoyable your day is and the outcome of the thing.

Have a great worry-free day.

Tags 2020, being present, challenging beliefs, destress, Mindfulness, positive thinking

2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Happy People Don't Do Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Resilience

Your Bedtime Story

What goes on between our ears has the biggest determination over what goes on in our hearts and in our lives.

One of the biggest areas where we can trip up is when we get facts confused with stories, or “the truth” confused with fairytales.

Have a think about a time when you had yourself absolutely convinced something utterly catastrophic was about to happen.

Lying awake turning over the prospect of imminent doom played out in excruciating and panic-inducing detail. We have all done it. And then…and then…well, nothing happening. NOTHING! The sky totally did not fall in. The fan did not get hit with anything. All that worry, stress, drama and excess cortisol production for nothing.

It can be weirdly tempting to play out a worst-case scenario story as a bizarre sort of double-think mental insurance to ward off against disappointment or rejection. If we have already considered the worst then maybe…maybe… it won’t happen.

However, it’s a far easier way to live to know that whatever comes up – if it comes up – you are smart and capable and you will react and handle it. And so, therefore, you choose to wait until such time that might be necessary and divert your attention to happier thoughts in the meantime.

The stories we tell ourselves in our heads have the very real capacity to destroy our peace of mind with far more regularity than any outside event.

Look at it this way. What bedtime story do you read your 7-year-old son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter/nephew/niece? Is it a) Charlie And The Chocolate Factory or b) Nightmare On Elm Street? Right. You wouldn’t dream of divulging the tales of Freddie Kruger’s bloody mayhem whilst you tuck them up as you want that child to sleep soundly, yes? (preferably right through the night uninterrupted, of course). You want to create the best conditions to do that; you know the content you fill their heads with at that pivotal moment is key – so you choose with discernment.

It’s the same at the cinema. We know the emotional impact of a good story and so there are standard content rating systems for movies. We know how powerful those stories in the screen are so we want to choose age-appropriately and with discernment for the audience. This is obvious in the movie cinema.

We want the right story playing for whoever is watching it.

And yet, and yet. We are nowhere near as careful stewards of our own bedtime story routine. Replaying the tricky conversation with the boss whilst we clean our teeth: bad bedtime story. Thinking about whether that client is going to be furious or not as we turn down the covers: bad bedtime story. Turning over the backhanded compliment our mother in law paid and worrying about how that may play out at the weekend family barbeque: bad bedtime story. Figuring out if that friend deliberately blanked us at the school gate as we have upset them for reasons we know not: bad bedtime story. No wonder we don’t sleep well, or our days are filled with worry.

Our peace of mind is determined by the tone and content of the stories we tell ourselves through our waking hours.

And as for the stories we believe and repeat in the dead of night? They are the most powerful of all.

Make sure you choose appropriate bedtime reading for yourself.

Sweet dreams.

Tags 2020, being present, challenging beliefs, feeling states, Mindfulness, positive thinking

Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Self Care and Self Love

Mindful or MindFULL?

Time and again clients will say they don’t feel connected to the joy that should be in their lives but somehow, mysteriously, isn’t there.

They know they should feel it. That life looks like it should be joyful from the outside. Nice house / job / partner / and so on. Healthy. Enough money. And so on. All the essential building blocks are there for a joyful life, but somehow, as they whizz through each busy day: they just don’t feel it.

They might feel overwhelmed. Or stressed. Or tired. Or…(gasp!)…bored. But they don’t feel joyful. The happiness looks like it should be there. But it isn’t.

What’s that about? Maybe you feel it too sometimes? You have pretty much most of your ducks in a row, but…somehow…you are not feeling it.

What’s going on?

I’ll tell you a secret. It’s about presentness and mindfulness, which I realise is the cue for half of you to stop reading with a big, fat zzzzzzzz. Nothing, it seems, is inclined to switch people off quicker than talking about mindfulness. Which is tragic as despite its unsexy brand image, it’s actually the key to a happier, more joyful life; if only we would demystify it and give it a chance.

Because, here’s the thing:

It’s not that the joy isn’t there.

The joy IS there.

But YOU are not.

You are elsewhere.

Either you are in your future or in your past.

If you are recalling something sad or stressful, you are in the past. So, that’s what you will FEEL in the present. Sad or stressed. Not joyful: no matter what you are doing. What your mind is full of is what you will feel.

If you are imagining a situation tomorrow that is worrysome or overwhelming, then that is what you feel in the now. You won’t feel joy right now, you will feel worried because your mind is full of future worries.

How you feel is determined by what your mind is full of (mindful: geddit?) right now, no matter what your body is doing in the present.

Your body might be reading a bedtime story to your child, but if your mind is full of the board meeting that went badly three hours ago, you won’t feel the joy inherent in that moment because you are not in it. Your body is there. Your mind is not.

Your body might be having dinner with Beyonce but if your mind is full of your overwhelming “To Do List” and money worries, then the joy inherent in that bootylicious moment escapes like a wisp of smoke and you will feel overwhelmed not elated.

No matter what happy stuff or circumstance you might be surrounded by, the joy in it is only accessible if your mind is full of it, not just your body being present with it.

You will feel what your mind is full of.

Where did the joy go?

It didn’t go anywhere.

IT was there.

You missed it.

YOU weren’t there.

Simplest step to having more happiness in your life?

Be mindful of where the joy is.

And, it’s always right NOW if you stop and look for it.

Tags being present, Busyness, Mindfulness, positive thinking

Live Happy Inspiration

Stop Waiting

How about we stop waiting for summer. For the kids to be older. Til we drop the last 5 kgs. For Friday. For the weekend.Stop waiting for the big milestones of life and enjoy the moment right now ‘Til the exams are over. ‘Til the reno is done. ‘Til the mortgage is paid off. ‘Til the house is bought. ‘Til the deposit is saved. ‘Til she behaves herself. ‘Til he falls into line. ‘Til the flights are booked. The work is done. The boss says yes. The campaign is over. The treatment is complete. The project starts. The term finishes. ‘Til we have some space. ‘Til we have some time. ‘Til they sleep through the night. ‘Til she says yes. ‘Til it’s sold. ‘Til it’s bought. ‘Til we can afford it.

How about we stop with the waiting?

If we are not mindful, happiness can be deferred for so many good, and not so good, reasons. Daily life can become a mental ticker tape of things to get done, and days to be got through before the big ticket milestones fall into place. We can become so focused on the future that we forget to connect to the tiny moments of joy that are inherent in the now.

It is a great truth that as much as there will always be something to appreciate in the worst of times (if we dig really deep it will be there), there is conversely also always something to complain about in the best of times if that’s where our focus goes. It’s up to each of us to figure out which way we want to habitually look at the world.

Choosing to stop waiting to be happy can be one of the most powerful choices we can ever make. We can miss so many everyday moments of happiness accessible right now this minute when we are in wait mode for the significant jigsaw pieces of life to fall into place.

We can choose to be happy now when we breathe in the aroma of our fresh cuppa.

When a small hand slips into ours at pick up. That we have people to share a meal with at the end of the day. For the nourishing food on our plate. That we have incredible gadgets to clean our home that prior generations spent their whole day doing manually (my Granny had a mangle in the outhouse, for goodness sake!). That we just messaged a friend 12,000 miles away on the other side of the world in 3 seconds on our phone. That our sheets smell clean and fresh. That we breathe such clean, green air and don’t even think about it. That our bodies are walking, talking and seeing effortlessly. The sunshine on our skin. The breeze in our hair. The smile of a stranger. The unbridled glee of a child at something so small. The dog is so happy to see us home.

When we have our eye waiting for the big jigsaw pieces to fall into place and rushing to the next thing, we can chronically overlook the tiny moments of joy that are only accessible right now. It’s the little moments that light life up. Look up people, look up. Happiness is right now.

Tags Happiness, Mindfulness, positive thinking, Stop Waiting

ABOUT

ACADEMY

PROGRAMMES

BLOG

CONTACT

Don't forget to signup for your freebies!

Don't forget!...

Worth $27