Category: Happy People Don’t Do

When is it okay NOT to be considerate?

Post author By Support Elf
Post date March 11, 2023
No Comments on When is it okay NOT to be considerate?

Today’s blog is inspired by a few lovely clients and members who have been feeling taken for granted. What can we learn? Let’s dive into an exploration of consideration today…just might ring some bells for you,!

I like to think of myself as a considerate person. I expect you do too!

I’d like to ask a controversial question today on that topic:

When is it okay to stop being considerate?

I think there is a very specific time when this is more than okay:

It’s when YOU aren’t being considered.

When there is a consistent pattern that YOU are not being considered or factored in.

(consistent pattern is important, we can all have an off day)

I’ve seen it with a number of clients lately

Walking on eggshells around a sibling who is routinely dismissive and inconsiderate of their needs, situation and emotions. Not receiving acknowledgement, let alone reciprocity, for their consideration.

Trying to please an unpleasable colleague by picking up some of their share of work, which is a favour never returned. The consideration of helping them out taken totally for granted.

Supporting a friend’s business in various ways over time, being happy to do it! But realising over many years that there has been exactly zero support of her own equally important business. Realising on closer inspection that lack of consideration indicates it’s not quite the close friendship of value they thought in a number of ways.

These examples of a lack of consideration might be SUPER DISAPPOINTING realisations.

However, I can promise you, they are good to know.

Consideration is part of the social glue of life: it keeps the wheels running smoothly socially, personally, professionally, relationally.

Thing is consideration takes time, focus, effort, choice, attention, emotional management, logistical management – it’s a long list.

Consideration may be what’s polite but it’s not a free pass

And it can be very much taken for granted

Pay attention if it’s not being reciprocated

Consideration is a two-way street

It’s something you can grant with grace

And it is something you can also gracefully withdraw

That doesn’t mean you need to be as difficult as hell

It just means you withdraw the energetic compromise of considering their needs

and emotions equally with (or higher than) your own

It’s simply a recalibration of your emotional investment

Which you are perfectly entitled to make

When is it okay to stop being considerate?

When you are not being considered, my friend.

Tags 2023, self care, self care sunday, Take Responsibility

2023 4 Dimensional Wellness Happy People Don't Do Self Care and Self Love

How do you know you are D.O.N.E. with something?

Post author By Support Elf
Post date February 14, 2023
No Comments on How do you know you are D.O.N.E. with something?

Collage with a woman covering her face and screaming mouths. Bullying, abuse, harassment. Concept.

A big curly question for you this week, one that came up this week in the live weekly coaching session in the Wellbeing Warriors Coaching Academy that I thought would help lots of you today:

How do you know you are D.O.N.E. with something?

When it’s D.O.N.E. rather than done.

That you are Capital D Done. End of the road D.O.N.E. That is what I am talking about.

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that relationship that does not light either of you up?

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that career that sucks your soul?

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that friendship that feels subtly undermining and “off”?

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that house? That place? That feeling that you are not where you are meant to be?

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that obligation you made with the best of intentions way back when?

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that way of handling that person or situation?

How do you know you are truly D.O.N.E. with that way of thinking about a certain thing? Complaining about a certain person or situation?

How do you know you are D.O.N.E. with that unhealthy coping strategy / bad habit that you know doesn’t serve you?

That you are D.O.N.E. with squeezing yourself into a certain sized box in order to satisfy others perception of who and how you should be?

I will tell you:

You will know when you are completely D.O.N.E. with something when you give it up and you feel freedom instead of loss.

You will know you are D.O.N.E. when the (often massive) hassle or intense pain of walking away is preferable to putting up with whatever it is for even One. More. Second.

People think being D.O.N.E. is a bad thing.

That it is a bad thing to throw your hands in the air and proclaim: that’s it, you are D.O.N.E.

Or to silently sit through whatever it is but whisper quietly to yourself as you get in the car afterwards “That’s it. Last time. I am D.O.N.E. “

It can be a loud moment that brings the room to a standstill.

Or it can be one as quiet as the grave that you whisper only to yourself.

We associate that moment with having failed. With having lost control.

I actually think the moment we completely connect in our hearts that we are D.O.N.E. is our moment of greatest power.

When we are truly D.O.N.E. with one particular way of being or living it opens our brain and heart up to find a different way, a new way, an alternative way. It forces ingenuity and courage.

Being truly D.O.N.E. with something can become the solid foundation on which we create the next chapter of our LIFE.

We fear being D.O.N.E. thinking being D.O.N.E. is the end.

My friends, being D.O.N.E. sets you free.

Being D.O.N.E. is just the beginning.

The life you really want?

It’s right there, on the other side of whatever you are truly D.O.N.E. with.

What do you want to be DONE with?

P.S If you want to make a proactive choice to elevate your REAL self-care and wellbeing, you can get my book: 101 Self Care Ideas for just NZ $17 (instead of NZ $29) today. Click here to grab your copy. It’s pretty.

Tags 2023, flexible thinking, Happy People

2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Happiness Happy People Don't Do Live Happy Inspiration

The Approval Trap

How to stop caring what other people think

Delightful client I’ll call “Evie”. A gentle sweet soul, making her way through life in a quiet and unassuming way. It turns out Evie is NOT doing a whole heap of things that would make her happy. Joining a choir. Making her own clothes. Taking a trip to Asia. Going for a promotion.

Why? Because she is so, so, very afraid that each choice will not meet with universal approval. What if she misses a note and people laugh? What if people don’t like that quirkily fashioned skirt? What if no one from the tour wants to talk to her in the temples of Thailand? What if she can’t do the new job perfectly and everyone knows it and thinks she shouldn’t have got it?

It paralyses her. And so. And so. She does none of these things.

And life stays small. Her fear of not receiving approval stops her from creating opportunities to make her own heart sing.

She has handed all her power away.

She is not alone.

Before you judge Evie take a look inside. There are way more of us who are closet approval seekers than you might think. The rise of social media and the selfie have fueled a culture of approval seeking. Ever had a little lift in mood as you got more “likes” than you anticipated; ever wondered what was wrong with that status update that it got so few (doesn’t anyone care?)? Approval seeking comes in many forms, and when we base a piece of our self-worth on it we are in trouble. It means we have handed the power of how we feel about our own self directly into the hands of others. That we are dependent on receiving a certain response from outside ourselves in order to feel good on the inside. That, my friend, is a very dangerous way to live.

Look – we all want to be liked. OF COURSE, WE DO! It’s nice when people say nice things, compliment us, agree with us, support us. It feels awesome.

But it should never take the place of us being our own cheerleader.

The approval of others can add to and enhance our own validation of our choices, but it should never replace it.

The more your choice resonates for you at a deep level, that you approve of it heart and soul you’ll find the less you need someone else to approve.

You cannot, simply cannot put your self-esteem in the hands of other people dependent on whether they approve of your life choices, or their opinion on how funny/pretty/smart/hardworking you are or are not.

Some of these people you want approval from you don’t even like.

Hell, some of these people you don’t even know.

Listen. It’s a big ole world out there. There are a few, if any, choices that are going to meet with universal approval. For anyone. Even if you are…say, Beyonce. Even if you are a multitalented, gorgeous multimillionaire and philanthropist – there will always be someone who doesn’t like Beyonce! But that doesn’t mean Beyonce should stop being Beyonce and doing Beyonce type stuff.

It is not just unrealistic, but actually impossible, to expect “everyone” to approve of you all the time. It’s also something you simply CANNOT control. It’s time to call time on trying. Here’s your magic formula:

If you approve of your choices: that’s an essential ingredient for a happy, fulfilled life.

If other people approve of you / your choices: that’s a nice optional extra.

Other people’s approval is the cherry on top of the cake.

Your approval is the cake itself.

Tags challenging beliefs, flexible thinking, Happiness

2020 4 Dimensional Wellness Happy People Don't Do Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Resilience

Your Bedtime Story

What goes on between our ears has the biggest determination over what goes on in our hearts and in our lives.

One of the biggest areas where we can trip up is when we get facts confused with stories, or “the truth” confused with fairytales.

Have a think about a time when you had yourself absolutely convinced something utterly catastrophic was about to happen.

Lying awake turning over the prospect of imminent doom played out in excruciating and panic-inducing detail. We have all done it. And then…and then…well, nothing happening. NOTHING! The sky totally did not fall in. The fan did not get hit with anything. All that worry, stress, drama and excess cortisol production for nothing.

It can be weirdly tempting to play out a worst-case scenario story as a bizarre sort of double-think mental insurance to ward off against disappointment or rejection. If we have already considered the worst then maybe…maybe… it won’t happen.

However, it’s a far easier way to live to know that whatever comes up – if it comes up – you are smart and capable and you will react and handle it. And so, therefore, you choose to wait until such time that might be necessary and divert your attention to happier thoughts in the meantime.

The stories we tell ourselves in our heads have the very real capacity to destroy our peace of mind with far more regularity than any outside event.

Look at it this way. What bedtime story do you read your 7-year-old son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter/nephew/niece? Is it a) Charlie And The Chocolate Factory or b) Nightmare On Elm Street? Right. You wouldn’t dream of divulging the tales of Freddie Kruger’s bloody mayhem whilst you tuck them up as you want that child to sleep soundly, yes? (preferably right through the night uninterrupted, of course). You want to create the best conditions to do that; you know the content you fill their heads with at that pivotal moment is key – so you choose with discernment.

It’s the same at the cinema. We know the emotional impact of a good story and so there are standard content rating systems for movies. We know how powerful those stories in the screen are so we want to choose age-appropriately and with discernment for the audience. This is obvious in the movie cinema.

We want the right story playing for whoever is watching it.

And yet, and yet. We are nowhere near as careful stewards of our own bedtime story routine. Replaying the tricky conversation with the boss whilst we clean our teeth: bad bedtime story. Thinking about whether that client is going to be furious or not as we turn down the covers: bad bedtime story. Turning over the backhanded compliment our mother in law paid and worrying about how that may play out at the weekend family barbeque: bad bedtime story. Figuring out if that friend deliberately blanked us at the school gate as we have upset them for reasons we know not: bad bedtime story. No wonder we don’t sleep well, or our days are filled with worry.

Our peace of mind is determined by the tone and content of the stories we tell ourselves through our waking hours.

And as for the stories we believe and repeat in the dead of night? They are the most powerful of all.

Make sure you choose appropriate bedtime reading for yourself.

Sweet dreams.

Tags 2020, being present, challenging beliefs, feeling states, Mindfulness, positive thinking

Happy People Don't Do Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Resilience

What is your word worth?

Seems like an obvious one but it’s so easily missed in our fast-paced world where a “white” lie sent by text is enticingly easy, and “ghosting” is actually a thing. Our personal integrity and the standard to which we hold ourselves is a measure of our own personal brand value. I believe C. S. Lewis summed it up best with:

“Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching”.

Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one would know you did the wrong thing. Making the brave choice even when there is an easier opt-out to be gotten away with. Being in integrity means being in alignment with your core values even when no one but you knows the choice you are about to make.

When we are acting from integrity, it means it’s much easier to accept the consequences of our decisions. When we do “the right thing” with honour, even if others do not approve or understand, we sleep well knowing we did what was in alignment with our own sense of rightness.

Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of the great classic “The Four Agreements,” details the trait of integrity as the number one agreement with self for personal freedom: “Be Impeccable With Your Word . Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love”.

Because here’s the thing. You cannot buy true integrity with money (reputation possibly, but not true integrity). And you cannot exchange it for money. And you can’t buy it back when it’s gone, however much you want to. (There are some notable falls from grace who would love that option I am sure. Think Lance Armstrong, Bill Cosby and Tiger Woods.) Our integrity is of supreme value to us, but it costs nothing. It is very hard to recover it once it has been lost, so it’s important that we treasure and tend to it.

The good news is you don’t need money or power or status to develop, cultivate and cherish your integrity. A life of integrity is a path open to everyone regardless of life situation. In fact, I think we are all pretty much naturally programmed to choose the path of integrity by default, which is why when we go against that it feels so off. I believe that integrity is our natural inclination; it’s more about choosing to deliberately veer off the path into dishonesty, or not.

I also like the alternate definition of integrity. As well as “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles” it is also “the state of being whole and undivided”. Which can be used to describe the state of, say, a building post-earthquake “retaining its integrity” meaning it has come though structurally sound. That definition of being “whole and undivided” also speaks to our soul, in that if there is a decision that is making us feel divided and at odds with ourselves, that it’s likely we are considering compromising our integrity in some way. That feeling of internal division is a great spot check on our personal Integrity-o-meter.

When we live in integrity, we are naturally happier. We don’t have to think which version of the story we are relating to which person. We don’t have that mild cloud of anxiety about “being found out” dogging our days. We sleep better. We don’t have a heart attack when the phone rings, or we bump into THAT person. Knowing what our word is worth is an altogether happier way to be in the world.

We live more lightly when we are in integrity with ourselves.

Doing the right thing even if no one is watching is integrity. Because someone IS watching. Someone whose opinion is of paramount importance and will last a lifetime. You.

Tags enjoyment, flexible thinking, Happy People, honesty, integrity

Happy People Don't Do

The transformational power of pain

Post author By Support Elf
Post date October 9, 2017
No Comments on The transformational power of pain

There is a bit of a myth that happy people are naturally lucky and stuff just magically goes their way, that they are treading an easier or shinier path than most. Whilst sometimes there is a grain of truth in this, I have to say I generally observe the opposite.

Happier people, or the deliberately happy, tend to be those who have been through some tremendous suffering or trauma of some sort. Or indeed multiple traumas. The kind of circumstances that change their lives forever.

I have worked with some deliberately happy people who have been through unimaginable horrors. Loss of a child. Father killed in a car accident. Son addicted to P and a course of self-destruction. Bankruptcy. The most vile custody battle imaginable. Falsely imprisoned. Horrendous marital, emotional abuse. Loss of a limb. Rape. Victimised at work to the point of a court case. The list goes on.

Bad stuff happens to good people. All. The. Time.

Yet, after time and support for deep grief and processing, many of these people go on to be the most deliberately happy people I know. They gain a new perspective on happiness from the depths of their suffering. Their happiness becomes the veritable phoenix from the ashes.

When life or God or Fate or The Universe or just other people messing with your life deals you a bad hand, an interesting thing can happen. Either it can be the circumstance that goes on to define your whole life. Or it can be an experience that will always mark you, still be part of you, but that you take that pain and use it as the raw material to craft a more present and happy life.

When there has been significant suffering from monumental life events, there comes a natural release of grip on trying to control the small things in life. We will tend to lighten up and not sweat the small stuff so much. We will realise that happiness is but fleeting, and it can only be felt now, now, now. In this moment right here, here, here. We will get better at appreciating whatever is good in this moment, this moment right now, actively seeking it out and giving silent thanks for it. Knowing that the days may be long but the years are short, so sucking up the joy present in the little things, the small, seemingly insignificant moments that make up each day. Knowing that the small things – the smile shared, the bedtime story, the hand held, really are the big things.

It is not that happy people have not known pain and suffering, it is that they eventually recognise its tremendous perspective shifting power. That they don’t get forever stuck in their grief; they gradually start to transcend it. They know how dark the darkness can be and so they actively seek the light in whatever is presented to them. They see the alternative, and they face forward not back.

Being happy on purpose can be our greatest act of defiance in the face of tremendous pain suffered.

Choosing to be happy despite what’s happened can be our greatest act of resistance against those who would bring us low. Deliberate happiness can be the greatest show of strength there is.

Tags Happy People, joy, positive thinking, trauma

Happy People Don't Do

If someone has %^$^%*&ed you over you NEED to read this!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date October 3, 2017
No Comments on If someone has %^$^%*&ed you over you NEED to read this!

It’s painful, and it’s uncomfortable. And it is very easy to stay trapped in our story of being the victim. Feeling that the other person should behave better. Do or say or demonstrate a different thing. Be more generous, or honest, or honourable or patient or compassionate or responsible or whatever it is we lack. All our focus is on what the other person should stop doing to us so that we can feel okay. We want an end to our pain, and for that to happen the other person needs to stop being against us. When we feel someone is against us, it feels very real and very hurtful. That feeling of being attacked is sadly something that very few get through life without experiencing at some point on some level.

I read an interesting concept recently in one of Jack Canfield’s books (the Chicken Soup For The Soul guy) that:

We should take 100% responsibility for everything that happens to us.

Not 56% responsibility. Not 93 % responsibility, but 100%. For everything. “That’s a bit harsh Jack,” I thought, “there are always circumstances beyond our control”. Taking 100% responsibility for some things feels like placing the blame on myself for something bad that I 100% didn’t do and 100% didn’t want. How is THAT helpful?!” I pondered some more… and I think I get it.

When we take 100% responsibility for EVERYTHING that happens in our life, we drop any victim mindset by default. The tables turn completely – it’s no longer about blame or shame, it’s about learning. So that business partner who ripped you off in an unsavoury manner. You can’t take responsibility for their unethical actions, but you can take 100% responsibility for not having tied the contracts up more tightly at the outset. That’s a valuable lesson that’s empowering and puts you in a stronger position never to repeat the experience. You can’t take responsibility for your rapacious ex-husband mercilessly exploiting the law to feather his own nest at your expense. But you can take 100% responsibility for your expectation that he would behave better or more honourably. You can own that the pain you feel is the gap between your elevated expectations of his character, and reality. You can learn from that to expect much less of the man. Therefore the pain is lowered as he is merely doing exactly what you would expect. You can’t take responsibility for your bosses continual expectation that meetings can be set at 5 pm on late notice. But you can take 100% responsibility for speaking up and pushing back with consistent boundaries around your time and availability. You can’t take responsibility for an organisation’s decision to give you a pay freeze for the second year running. But you can take 100% responsibility as to whether or not you continue to work for them.

Don’t get me wrong. This is a *&^&*$ hard question to ask yourself! How can I take responsibility for this thing that is present in my life that I absolutely do not want/absent from my life that I really feel I deserve to have? It’s not a happiness step for the faint-hearted, but it does carry with it a measure of gold.

When we shift our mindset from victim to 100% responsibility, a miraculous thing happens. The original problem does not disappear (sadly! Sorry!) but our ability to deal with it and move past it increases exponentially. I would not say this is happiness per se, but it is definitely empowerment, and that is a far happier state than victimhood. When we take 100% responsibility, we also absorb the lessons that are inherent in the experience for us, and when we learn lessons, we ease our path ahead. We also tap into the liberating truism that releases us from the grip of feeling someone is against us. As the saying goes, people are never really against us – they are actually just for themselves. The business partner thinks she is just doing what needs to be done to save the business. The ex-husband really believes he is morally entitled. The boss believes that testing staff’s commitment and making spontaneous plans is a good strategy when the pressure is on to get the most out of people. The corporation believes it’s salary budget is already at max given the reinvestment in infrastructure it wants to roll out.

They are not against you – they are just for themselves.

A tough but powerful step on the road to happiness. Taking more responsibility, not less. Looking at where 100% responsibility is on offer. By taking the lessons and absorbing some discomfort now, we pave the way for a happier and more comfortable ride ahead.

Tags challenging beliefs, decision making, Happiness, Happy People, Take Responsibility

Happy People Don't Do

Why wine and cake shouldn’t be guilty pleasures…

Post author By Support Elf
Post date September 26, 2017
No Comments on Why wine and cake shouldn’t be guilty pleasures…

Let’s talk about Guilty Pleasures. Snatched moments of pleasure tinged with a guilty “I shouldn’t be doing this“ feeling, but going ahead with the juicy, delicious, feeling thing regardless. We all know what that feels like!

Shoot me now, but I would say that it’s usually the less happy amongst us that believe in indulging in “guilty pleasures”. Why? Because genuinely happy people do it differently. Happy people believe, quite simply, in enjoying their pleasures with no guilt attached.

I do a lot of speaking about wellbeing and happiness, and there is a question I get asked a lot on this exact guilty pleasures topic. At some point, I will inevitably and conspiratorially get asked “Do I have a wine sometimes?” as if it’s a guilty pleasure that I couldn’t possibly admit to indulging in. Here’s the answer I always give: OF COURSE I ENJOY A WINE SOMETIMES!!! Do I regularly get off my face like in my younger days before I was wellbeing pro? No. But do I get pleasure from a beautiful glass of wine over a meal, or with sharing confidences with a great girlfriend over a good ice-cold glass of Sav? Of course, I do. Do I feel guilty about it? No, I most certainly do not. It’s something I enjoy, and for me, it’s in balance with a healthy lifestyle, and it adds richness and enjoyment to my life. Why would I feel guilty about that? It’s all pleasure when I choose to do it, and I enjoy every sip.

We are here on this earth, with this life, to do good and to feel good.

We are MEANT to feel good! Why block that flow of pleasure? If something brings you genuine pleasure and is in alignment with your values – why not just enjoy it; suck every ounce of joy from it, guilt-free? A good life is about DISCERNMENT of what we put in, not DENIAL of all things enjoyable. When we wear the hair shirt of denial and cut ourselves off from stuff that brings joy, that’s when we feel the need to cheat ourselves and sneak in a guilty pleasure. How much better a place to come from, to be honest with ourselves about our sources of genuine joy and connection and to discerningly include them in our lives loud and proud, guilt-free.

Guilt can come in many guises. For example, guilt that comes up because we are acting unethically, or lying, or cheating or whatever – now that’s USEFUL GUILT. That’s guilt that is generated by our inner self to stop us breaching our own values and integrity. It’s a handbrake to give us pause – is this really the right choice for me? Is this choice in alignment with who I am? Now that’s useful guilt, very useful. Guilt is like this big red flashing “stop: think” sign just when we need it most.

Guilty pleasure though? Now that’s not a useful application of guilt. Feeling guilty because we are about to have a desert? Now that’s not useful.

Either 1) choose to have the desert and enjoy and savour the pleasure of every single mouthful.

Or, 2) discerningly choose not to have it and enjoy the feeling of restraint because that choice came from honouring your body’s signal of not being hungry or the commitment you made to yourself about eating less sugar, and enjoy the feeling of pride of honouring your body and your commitment.

But the guilty pleasure option 3) of having the cake AND swallowing it down with a nice big swig of guilt and a sprinkling of self-hate? Now that really is self-defeating. And that’s not really pleasure, is it? The emotional backlash neutralises the momentary pleasure. Eat the cake and love it, or don’t eat it and love that choice too. Just don’t eat it and feel guilty. When you think about it, it’s a ridiculous waste of emotional energy.

A lot of guilt pleasures are guilty because we don’t think other people would approve. Again, that’s a really erroneous application of guilt. If you like dancing round the kitchen to Taylor Swift then “so what” what anyone else thinks of your secret teen pop addiction! Whether it’s “cool” or age appropriate, or not – so what? If YOU like it and it brings YOU pleasure that’s good enough. You don’t need anyone else to approve or even understand. It’s just your thing. It’s your pleasure. It’s part of what makes you the gloriously quirky, unique individual you are. No need to feel guilty about THAT! Just enjoy whatever it is that’s your pleasure.Just enjoy whatever it is that’s your pleasure.

Ultimately guilt is a poisonous and superfluous attachment to pleasure. Why do that to yourself? Why mar a beautiful or pleasing thing, interaction or experience with the heavy emotion of guilt. If it pleases you, then make it pleasure, all the way. As the legendary rocker and Foo Fighters, front-man Dave Grohl said,

“I don’t believe in guilty pleasures. If you *$^$#$* like something, like it”.

So, be unapologetic about what brings you pleasure, and include it with cunning regularity in your life. Guilt-free. ALLOW yourself pleasure – don’t try and try and SNEAK it into your own life through the back door like a stolen ciggie behind the bikesheds. Claim your pleasure in full.

Tags decision making, enjoyment, guilty pleasure, Happy People

Happy People Don't Do

The answer to this question determines whether you will succeed

Post author By Support Elf
Post date September 18, 2017
No Comments on The answer to this question determines whether you will succeed

I’m gonna bust out two quotes that are going to blow your mind today. One from a multi-millionaire businessman, and one from one of my whip-smart girlfriends who suffers no fools. Ready? Okay.

“If you are interested you’ll do what’s convenient.
If you are committed, you’ll do whatever it takes”.
~ John Assaraff.

Read it again. Really take it in. This is one of the most powerful concepts I know in terms of creating and owning your own health and happiness. Happy people are committed to being happy and successful, and less happy people are generally only interested in being happy. The difference is massive.

What it means is this: When we are truly committed to an outcome – whatever it may be – getting in shape, buying an investment property, qualifying as a vet, owning our own business, whatever it may be – we will do whatever it takes to make it happen. There will be obstacles – with any milestone that’s big or consequential – a few (or a lot!) of obstacles along the way are an inevitable part of that journey.

A happy and successful person knows that, and moves over or around that obstacle in whatever way they can to keep their eyes focused on the outcome they want. They will try and try and try in however many ways they need to, to make it happen. They are not just interested in their success they are incontrovertibly committed to it. They don’t get thrown off at the first sign of struggle.

For example, someone who has decided they will be happier 15kgs lighter and commits to that goal will find a way to leave the office on time for a workout, when the person who is just interested in being 15kgs lighter will not. They will get up at whatever time they have to, to prep healthy meals, or to make the bootcamp. They will say no to the wine or the dessert at the social family dinner because they are not just interested in being at their best weight, they are committed to making that happen. They are more committed to their goal than they are interested in another 45 minutes in bed or the social acceptance of joining in with a slice of cake.

When we are interested rather than committed we fool ourselves into thinking we are going to make that thing we want happen. But really, we are only going to achieve it if we don’t have to extend ourselves too much or make too many difficult, uncomfortable calls. We are not going to do what it takes, we are going to do what’s convenient. If everyone else is eating healthy round the dinner table, we will too. If everyone else orders the pizza, well then we will join in. We do what is convenient. It’s very different and it’s characterised by a feeling of slight aimlessness, like we aren’t really achieving or that we are drifting a bit. It doesn’t feel terrible, but it doesn’t feel like happiness on purpose either. It feels like the path of least resistance.

When we are interested rather than committed, the main thing you will hear coming out of our mouths is excuses. “Oh I was going to save that money, but something unexpected came up”; “I am getting back on that eating plan as soon as, but it has just been really busy at the moment” – that sort of thing. Excuses. Excuses.

This is where my second quote comes in, where my smart and beautiful friend who kicks ass in business and at home fondly says:

“Everything before the but is BS”.

Snappy, right? It sums it all up for me – everything before the “but” is what we are interested in, rather than committed to. If we were committed, there would be no “but”. It would be an “and“ instead.

For example: “I wanted to save that money, something unexpected came up, and so I had to work three extra shifts/sell some stuff to make it happen”;

“I am back on that eating plan, it’s been really busy at the moment, and so I have had to say no to quite a few things to make it happen, but I’ve done it”.

Happy people don’t make excuses. They get committed. They know there will be curveballs – and they meet them with an “and” not a “but”. At the end of the day they think: do I want to make it happen? Or do I want to make excuses? Am I interested or am I committed? Will I do what it takes, or will I just do what’s convenient? It’s a recipe for success – let me know how you get on.

#happypeopledontdo

Tags challenging beliefs, decision making, Excuses, flexible thinking, Happiness, Happy People

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