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Category: Communication

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2022 Communication Reduce Stress Relationships Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Getting other people to make change

Something that comes up ALL THE TIME in my coaching sessions today, thoughts on how life would be A LOT easier if….etc…

Life would be a LOT easier if only other people (boss/partner/sister/ex) changed what they were doing/saying so it suited us better or was (what we perceived to be) better for them. ?‍♀️

If other people were more reliable/fun/on to it/organised/truthful/adult/well intentioned/thoughtful, our lives (and potentially theirs) would be SO MUCH EASIER!

However….

Giving up the illusion that other people could/should/will change to suit us is a huge personal growth milestone.

 

?‍♀️ People will never change unless THEY want to.

?‍♀️ Even then it might not be consistent or lasting.

?‍♀️ People will not change unless they want to and are READY to.

 

You can try and cajole, beg, guilt, shame, plead…use logic, use emotion, but until it’s what they want and are ready for it’s not going to happen. It will be their timetable, not yours.

They will be ready when they are ready.

(Which might be NEVER)

 

?‍♀️ Change is hard – it requires choice and commitment.

?‍♀️ Parking the need for others to be different in order for us to be happy is HUGE

?‍♀️ It allows us to put that wasted energy where it can make a genuine difference

 

The ONLY place we can truly effect change

Changing ourselves ?

 

P.S. Ready to make some first steps towards supported change where you can make change the most easily? Well then, I have your back! Here are three ways to work with me:

Book: Start using the 16 easy-to-implement mental and emotional health tips from my newest (super pretty, super effective) book, 101 Self Care Ideas.

Course:  Dive into this short course and get your mind on what matters most…feel different inside and out in just 2 weeks, 14 Day Real Self-Care Kickstart.

Academy: My absolute number one recommendation is to join Wellbeing Warriors – there are so many modules in there to help you get unstuck. You will be so empowered with the immense personal insight you gain into yourself in the Coaching Academy that you will drop the desire to change others and relish the amazing change you are affecting in your own mental and physical health instead. It will change things for you more than you can ever imagine.

 

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2022 Communication Relationships

Just how annoying is the “You should just…” when you share something

Last week I observed someone who was sharing (with a certain amount of bravery I might add) the details of a breakup with a friend (sister?) in a cafe. They were met with a disappointing lack of empathy and a heap of really unhelpful “advice” they so clearly were SO not ready for.

It was hard to hear! This is what I would have liked the friend/sister to have known…

Just how annoying the “You should just…” is when you share something that is troubling you ?

Some of the time we are just venting or processing out loud and not looking for input or solutions. Having a solution rammed down our throat and our hurt invalidated does NOT feel good and it not helpful ?

We can all get better at this and model helpful behaviour so we have more chance of getting it in return later.

?‍♀️ “That sounds hard. Tell me more”

?‍♀️ “That sounds really tough. Do you want to bounce possible solutions or do you just need to vent right now? What do you need? I’m listening”.

?‍♀️ ”I haven’t been in your shoes on this but I’d love to help you. What do you need most right now?”

If someone is ASKING for your input and advice – give it! That fresh perspective can be SO helpful. But…listen closely before you jump in…ARE they asking for it yet?! ?‍♀️ Maybe the most helpful thing you can do in this moment is listen really closely and offer a shoulder.

If you are not sure if it’s time to offer possible solutions – just ASK! It’s hard to see someone we care about suffering, but timing is everything. You may have the perfect solution if perspective but they need to be READY to HEAR it!

Also, bear in mind…you can only ever know a small slice of what’s really going on for them. Even if you feel you have been directly in their shoes, YOU HAVEN’T!

So BE KIND ?

And if you are on the receiving end, don’t be be afraid to ask for what you need – people welcome clarity (even if that clarity is telling them to button it!) Listen to what’s helpful but only take what resonates.

Only YOU know what it’s like to BE YOU in the situation you are in. Take that support but also trust hard in your own intuition to know what’s right for you ?

Categories
2022 Communication Self Care Sunday

Seriously people, we have to stop saying this…

If there is one phrase I would like to remove from the English language, it is “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

Seriously people, we have to stop saying this to traumatised individuals.

I realise it’s coming from a place of good intent and trying to be helpful, but, IT IS NOT.

It utterly invalidates other people’s experience, pain and trauma…AND (as if that were not enough!) also implies they should somehow be GRATEFUL for their suffering as it’s creating some handy personal development ?

I can’t even!

I know when this has been said to me in the depths of personal hellscape, it made me feel…

a) ANGRY (you want me to to grateful for this hell?)

and

b) ALONE (you obviously have NO IDEA what I am really going through here or you would not have said something so insulting / idiotic)

 

So, please let’s stop using this phrase, I know it’s well intentioned but it is unhelpful verging on damaging.

If you are unsure of what to say to someone who is in a personal hellscape, try these instead..

“I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. I’m here for you in any way you need”

or

“I don’t know what to say but I do know I care about you deeply, and you can share anything you need with me, I’m here”

or

“This is all so shocking, it’s going to take you time to come to terms with it. I’m here for you”

Because, whether what doesn’t kill you may or may not make you stronger (and if it does that strength will be a long way up the road) IT’S JUST NOT HELPFUL in the moment. What doesn’t kill you can steal your sense of self and make you wish it did. That trauma needs to be seen, honoured and healed, not dismissed.

Has anyone said it to you? Did it help? I thought not!

Let’s collectively consign this outdated phrase to the bin where it belongs.

If you are going through hell right now, please reach out to your most thoughtful, empathetic people. You are not alone ?

Categories
2022 Communication Live Happy Inspiration Self Care and Self Love Self Care Sunday

Over-thinking… sound familiar?!

Over-thinking… sound familiar?!

So common, and at a very real cost to our mental health.

Much (not all, but a lot) of our stress is (when we step back and evaluate it objectively) self-created. It’s the same thought-loops or stories we have told ourselves over and over about how we are letting someone down / not good enough in some way / something is going to go wrong / so and so will be upset.

These catastophising stories can run on repeat in our heads creating anxiety and stress. It’s all the over-thinking “What ifs” that can drag us down.

A really helpful tip can be getting these endless anxiety-inducing stories out of your head, and into paper.

Once you look at them in black and white it’s a lot easier to slow the over-thinking down, and evaluate them with a more considered perspective:

Is that really true? Is that a fact? Where’s the evidence of that? What’s the percentage likelihood of that ever occurring? If that did happen how would I handle it? When have I handled something similar successfully before? Is this even my responsibility?

The problem isn’t that we are thinking – it’s HOW we are thinking.

Pull out a pen and paper (or use the notes page in your phone) acknowledge that thinking, and then assess that story for truth, likelihood, responsibility and your capability.

Categories
2021 4 Dimensional Wellness Communication Emotional Honesty

This is the Complaints Department – how can I help you?

Comfort V’s resolution. 

I have a complaint to make! Specifically about the amount of complaining that goes on. Go on, tell me, list it right now – what’s one thing/person/situation that’s really winding you up right now? Something that’s been frustrating for a while.

Go: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay. Now list for me the last person you told about this problem:  ________________________________________________________________________________

And, just for good measure – what would be a great resolution for you to this totally annoying sitch? What do you want to happen? What would fix it?
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Roger that.

So – here’s the thing. What is horribly common with most ongoing complaints, is that pretty much most of the time we don’t take the complaint to the person or place who can actually do something about it. We complain to our spouse about the marketing department delivering creative late again. We complain to our peer that one of our staff or our boss isn’t pulling their weight. We complain to our best friend that our partner doesn’t help round the house enough. We tell the boys that the golf pro is always late turning up for the scheduled lesson. We tell the lady in the coffee shop on the adjacent table that the coffee is good but the cake is a bit dry. We tell the girls that the daycare doesn’t do as much educational play as they should. We tell everyone on Facebook that the flight was delayed. And so on.

Essentially we take our complaints  – not to the Complaints Department  – but to Menswear On Three, or Home Furnishings in the basement. And – sympathetic though those departments may be – they cannot fix the problem. And so – whilst we may feel temporary relief at venting – the situation perpetuates, and our complaining continues.

Why do we so often take our complaint somewhere other than the source? It’s strange when you think about it, given that it’s only the source who actually has a potentially shot at fixing it.

Because its risk free that’s why. It does not require us to step up and be courageous enough to have a tough conversation or take tough action to schedule a meeting to take the Marketing Director to task. It’s much more comfortable to vent to Brenda about the daycare then go meet with the centre manager and say the standard isn’t acceptable and ask what potential changes could be made. It’s easier to gossip in the café than risk offending the nice barista over the disappointing cake. It’s easier to vent with the girls/boys than have an uncomfy convo with the spouse about sex or housework or money. It’s easier to complain about the pay than to front up and ask for a payrise or go do the training course that would put us in line for promotion. Complaining feels like relief because it’s stress free and it’s risk free. Essentially complaining to people other than the source keeps us well within our comfort zone.

The real question then is – do we want to feel comfortable more than we want the situation resolved?  Or, do we want the situation resolved more than we want to feel comfortable?

If the answer is to choose comfort over resolution – then we will be stuck in the loop of complaining for much time to come. And that’s okay – if that is indeed what we want. Stop holding out for a magical resolution or for things to just magically fix themselves and stay comfortable with the venting and the problem itself.

However – if we decide we want the situation resolved and are prepared to feel uncomfortable temporarily in order to achieve that, then a whole new world opens up to us:

If we accept a degree of risk. If we speak up. Request what we want. Demand what we want. Give options. Change our communication. Try something new. Try an alternative. Leave. If we take our complaint to the actual place it has any chance of being resolved – the Complaints Department  – it will require varying degrees of courage – but the only way OUT of a niggling ongoing complaint situation is THROUGH – you have to take it to the place where you can get resolution. And that is the source.

For sure, take your advice and sounding board from others as a sense check if that feels good. A second opinion can be really useful. But then – if you find you are complaining about the same thing for the third coffee catch up in a row  – its time to take the bull by the horns and take it to where it actually belongs.

Be brave.  Take a risk. Ask for efficiency. Ask for respect. Ask for bonus air miles. Ask for a raise.  Ask for fresh baked cake.

The real Complains Department can help you with all of that. You’ve just got to ask.

Categories
2020 Communication Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy

What You Seek Is Seeking You

What You Seek...

Ever feel like things just work out for other people more easily than you, or that life just not unfolding quite as it should.

Do you feel stuck in the struggle? I get it – and I see it – A LOT – with my clients, and I want to help you with that yucky feeling of stuckness today.

So, here’s the thing.

If you are feeling stuck about something it’s because your thinking is stuck about that issue.

If you want to get unstuck you have to be prepared to find a new way to think about that topic.

You can’t expect things to be different but your thinking to stay the same. Period.

Now, this may sound easy, but it isn’t. I see this often.

People desperately want a certain part of their life to be different in some way but they are utterly resistant to changing their point of view on it.

So they keep thinking the same negative thought pattern about it, over and over – for months, years, decades even – and they can’t understand they remain stuck in the same unwanted place.

If you think life is one long series of disappointing situations then it’s going to be one long series of disappointing situations. You are going to miss the small moments of good things that are literally littered through your day, as you will automatically filter them out. The shy smile from the guy on the bus. Missed it. The easy park you got right outside. Missed it. The compliment someone tried to pay you on your shoes. Missed it. Getting the last brownie in the store. Missed it. It will be a disappointing day. The person who doesn’t email you when they said they would. Saw that. The guy that pulled right out in front of you. Saw that. The rain cloud looming. Saw that. Very disappointing.

You get what you look for.

 In fact, you get more of what you look for.

 It’s self-perpetuating.

If you think that life is one never-ending struggle of never enough then that’s what it’s going to be. The free coffee on your coffee card. Missed it. The two for the price of one in the pharmacy. Missed it. The complimentary blow-dry. Missed it. The insurance paying out after a little dink in the car. Missed it. Hitting the car being terribly inconvenient. Saw that. The 10cent increase in gas. Saw that. The colleague that got a raise but you didn’t. Saw that.

What you notice and appreciate grows. Things to appreciate begets more things to appreciate. What you notice and denigrate grows. You notice more and more things to feel bad about.

If you want a life where you believe things are always working out for you your thinking needs to reflect that. If you want a life where you know there will always be enough your thinking needs to reflect that. If you want a life full of love and lightness your thinking needs to reflect that. That’s what you need to look for.

It’s very easy to get stuck in a loop where we are endlessly playing the same record on a particular issue. The “I’ll never meet anyone” track. Or the “Things work out for everyone but me” track. Or the “I hate my job” track.

It takes effort, willpower, willingness, and consistency to change the tune. The problem is we want to wait for the circumstances to change before we change the song. For the new lover to appear. Or the lottery win. Or the passion-filled new job. The trick is knowing that the fastest route to getting those things is to change your tune ahead of time. Rumi, the 13th-century Persian poet said “what you seek is seeking you”.  It is. The way to speed up it finding you is to change your tune.

When you change the way you think about things, things change.

Happens every time.

What can you change your tune on today?

Because what you seek IS seeking you – if you look for it.

Categories
2020 Communication Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships

4 phrases to use instead of “I’m fine” (when you’re not)

Relationships

4 phrases to have better relationships in your life, both at home and at work

Relationships can be so full of drama, at home, at work, at the school gates, with family and friends. Sometimes relationships can really drift without us knowing or we can be unsure where we really stand.

It’s also frighteningly easy for relationships to get stuck in a rut, just ticking along, with a liberal smattering of “I’m fine”, functional exchanges of “Have you unloaded the dishwasher yet” and thinking (but not saying) “I cannot believe I have to ask you to do that again”.

By consciously opening up positive lines of communication we can change so much with just a few simple words. Here are 4 simple phrases that you can use at home, and at work, to get some ease and flow back. Think of these as an easy injection of oil in the wheels of the relationship:

  1. I really appreciate that you…

It can be so easy to always be picking at the negatives: no one is perfect after all. Yes, it would be easier if everyone did everything our way all the time, but that’s not reality! Refocusing ourselves to look for the positive and actually verbalising it can make an enormous difference to how both parties feel. It’s easy for other people to feel they are being taken for granted, but showing what you DO appreciate (rather than what you don’t) you reward that behaviour so you are more likely to see more of it in future.

  1. Is there something you’d like me to change or do more or less of?

Being open to constructive feedback ourselves shows we are willing to change and willing to compromise, or at the least open to having a discussion about it. It shows we know we are not perfect, and we value the other person’s thoughts. We don’t have to take all their suggestions on board, but it does open the lines of communication to what is often astonishingly revelatory. There can be small things we do that drive other people absolutely kerazeee that we would be more than happy to alter once we know about it.

  1. I’d love to learn…. can you show me?

Being open to learning and being teachable breaks down communication barriers in an instant. It demonstrates that we recognise someone else’s skill and nothing is more flattering than being asked to teach someone else our tricks.

  1. You know what you are awesome at….

Using genuine compliments is an incredibly powerful way of changing up the energy and intention in a relationship. Compliments are gifts of words, and it’s the equivalent of a verbal bouquet. Sometimes we can get so stuck in the day to day that we stop seeing how amazing that colleague/partner/sister is. Flowers mean a lot when they are delivered on a birthday or anniversary, but they mean even more when they are a random bouquet “just because you deserve it/I was thinking about you/I wanted to make you smile because you are special to me”. Compliments make a big impact in the ease of a relationship, and…they are free: use liberally!

These 4 phrases will work like oil to grease the engines in your relationships – try and use at least 2 today.

Categories
2020 Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Love your body Love Your Work Positive Thought Strategy Resilience Self Care and Self Love

Relationships: How to get EXACTLY what you want (at work and home)

Relationships

Not getting what you want? Look at what you are giving.

Here’s an interesting thing. We are often not getting what we want. We may not be getting the money we feel we deserve. Or the amount of love and affection we want. Or the recognition we want. Or the help and support we need.

Not getting what we want is kinda part of the human condition.

What can we do about it?

Mostly what we do about it is have a nice big fat moan. Right?!

“My boss just doesn’t appreciate me like he should.” “My husband should support me more around the house.” “My mother is never loving towards me.” “My friend is never really interested in what I am doing, she never asks.”

Venting feels good.

It also keeps us focused on what we are NOT getting. The LACK or absence of the thing that we want.

Which doesn’t make much of a difference. If any. The situation will generally just perpetuate. We remain unloved. Disrespected. Undervalued. Unsupported. Whatever.

Here’s the thing: We can’t magically change other people to give us what we want.

We are not in direct control of that.

But, what we ARE in control of is ourselves. And what makes a powerful difference in these situations is to turn the question around. Instead of looking at what we are not getting, look at what we ARE in control of instead – and that is what we are GIVING.

Now I know when you feel hard done by the last thing you want to do is give MORE. I totally get that. And that’s not exactly what I mean. Dig a little deeper.

“If you are not happy with what you are getting –  have a good think about what you are giving.”

When I asked Janelle, who was feeling very let down by her husband for not supporting her fledging business, when was the last time she had demonstrated her support for his work she drew a blank. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had even asked him about his day let alone his work she was so wrapped up in her new project!  She was expecting him to do something for her she wasn’t prepared to do in return. She was, in fact, getting exactly what she was giving. Nothing.

When Polly was seething about her ex-husband continually disrespecting their longstanding childcare arrangements, I asked when she had last demonstrated respect for herself and re-stated her boundaries clearly, calmly and firmly, detailing the consequences of crossing those boundaries – she hadn’t. She was asking him to give her more respect for her boundaries than she was demonstrating to herself. She wanted him to respect what she wasn’t even prepared to respect herself enough to voice out loud.

Caron was fuming that her husband made a comment about how she looked in a particular outfit. When she looked at what she was actually giving in terms of respect to looking after her body and being appreciative of her own body she was hard pressed to answer with any positives at all. She was asking him to love something she was repeatedly saying and thinking was unworthy of love. She wanted him to give her something that was the exact opposite of what she was giving out.

Here’s the thing: We get back what we give.

If we disrespect our own boundaries we should be less surprised that others disrespect them too. If we do not love and appreciate our body we make it harder for others to do so. If we are always looking at how much money we don’t have and give out that message of “not enough” then we are going to get a feeling and a reality of not enough money.

This awareness is a GOOD thing. Because all of this is in our own hands!

We have the power to change up the dynamic and when we change what we give out we will get something different in return.

To paraphrase the great Rolling Stones… You can’t always get what you want.

But if you try sometimes (and look at what you are giving not just at what you are not getting) you might just find, you get what you need.

Categories
Communication Emotional Honesty Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Relationships Resilience Self Care and Self Love

The F word that’s the HARDEST one of all

Let’s talk about the biggest F-word there is: Forgiveness.

Easy to say. Hard to do.

We tend to not want to do it for the very good reason, “we don’t want to let them off the hook”. I hear this again and again. And, I get it.

When someone has done something which we perceive to be so boundary transgressing that they require our forgiveness, we easily get all tangled up in the push and pull of “letting them off the hook”.

That by forgiving whatever the betrayal, or series of betrayals (and believe me, in my job I hear it ALL), we are in some way condoning their actions, attitude, choices. Which we absolutely do not want to do!

There is no way we support, approve or condone. Forgiving can feel like we are complicit with the original hurt.

So we hold onto our betrayal, slight or pain. There is nowhere else for it to go.

The thing is, they are not on the hook: you are.

You become stuck in the pain of the original injury through unforgiveness.

Here’s what I want you to know:

  • You can forgive and still choose not to see that person ever again.
  • You can forgive and be absolutely clear you will never put yourself in that position again.
  • You can forgive even if they are not sorry and that apology will never come.
  • You can forgive and absolutely have the strongest boundaries about any future communication or contact.

And why? Why should you forgive them?

They are not dangling on the hook of guilt and shame you imagine them to be.

The forgiveness is not for them, sweet one, it’s for you.

It gives you peace in your heart: and let’s face it, your heart is the one that’s important here.

Forgive, and let yourself off the hook. It’s time.

Categories
Communication Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration

I Made A Mistake…

I Made A Mistake

I want to talk about mistakes today; it’s coming up with a lot of my clients right now.

Mistakes are natural. They are a part of life. We don’t know what we don’t know, after all. Making mistakes is an essential part of learning and progress: it’s the raw material our evolution and growth are fashioned from.  Trying something and getting an unexpected outcome; then adjusting our approach is the positive upside to mistakes. They are how we get to know more. Do better. Be better.

However, one of my favourite authors Paulo Coelho wrote: “a mistake repeated more than once is a decision”. I’ve got to say I think there’s a lot of merit in this perspective.

When people get caught out there can be a real tendency to avoid self-reflection, personal growth and taking responsibility by using the one size fits all phrase, “I made a mistake”.

I’ve seen people hiding behind “I made a mistake” like some sort of magical get out of jail free card when that behaviour has been repeated dozens, hundreds of times. Over years. Decades even. It’s a ruse to avoid looking unpalatable behaviour in the eye.

Know this. That is NOT “a mistake”, that is an absolute conscious CHOICE.  If you are big enough / old enough / ugly enough to engage in whatever the inappropriate behaviour is repeatedly…

(and believe me, in my job I get to see it all: Coworkers embezzling. Spouses cheating (with the best friend). Families hiding inheritance money. Partners secretly selling off property to buy drugs. Physical and emotional abuse. And so on.)

…if you are you are big enough / old enough / ugly enough to engage in whatever the behaviour repeatedly is, THEN YOU ARE BIG ENOUGH / OLD ENOUGH / UGLY ENOUGH TO OWN IT AND ITS CONSEQUENCES!

Hiding behind “I made a mistake”, frankly, is BS of the highest order. It attempts to evade the consciousness of the choice that was repeatedly made.

I’m not buying it. You shouldn’t either.

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