I want to share something interesting that I learned about external validation, after I successfully lost 10% of my body weight recently. This is one that will make you go … hmmmm!
I recently set myself a challenge and lost 10% of my body weight – woop! I did it over 100 days and followed a new process I have been putting together. (Want to know how, join the waitlist for deets here. Now, want to know something interesting that happened over those 100 Days, {first_name}?
Well, I told no-one I was doing this, only my partner as I was eating differently to usual. So, no-one knew, I just set my 100 Day Challenge, locked in my process to achieve it, and essentially just quietly got the hell on with it.
I reached my goal slightly ahead of time (go me!) and feel SO MUCH better for it. Feel lighter in myself. My clothes fit better. Body feels happy about it. Feel very proud that I gave myself my word and stuck to it, and achieved the outcome I wanted.
Now, I’m not saying I was expecting a ticker tape parade when I finished my 100 Days to lose 10% or something …which, I have to tell you {first_name}, that is a GOOD THING. Why?
BECAUSE NO-ONE SAID A BL**DY THING, THAT IS WHY!
Not my Mum.
Not by BFF.
Not my partner (appreciate emotional minefield for partners so will let him off).
Not my friends who I see regularly.
Not my stepchildren.
ABSOLUTELY NOONE.
Total tumbleweed people, tumbleweed 😂
Not til Day 97 did ONE person, my next door neighbour Billie say… “Have you lost weight?”. I practically bit her arm off to say “Well YES Billie, actually I HAVE! Thank you so much for noticing!” 😂 Then my Mum did actually notice, but that was a couple of weeks after that. Still no-one else as I type this 😂
So. Here’s the thing. I didn’t lose 10% of my body weight for external validation, it was something I wanted me to do for me. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t for anyone else, and I had my own back to get it done, consistently for 100 days. It was about me trusting myself to deliver it, to myself! BUT…what if I HAD been doing it at least partly to get approval from others? If a part of my MOTIVATION to KEEP GOING was based on other people making encouraging noises?
Well, in that case, it absolutely wouldn’t have happened, would it? I wouldn’t have been successful because I wouldn’t have had the motivational juice to keep going on Day 37 when no-one had said anything, and Day 64 when no-one gave me positive feedback and said well done, or Day 81 when I was bored of it but no-one said it will be worth it keep going you are doing so well. I’d have stopped and felt like it wasn’t working. I’d also have thought it wasn’t worth it because no-one noticed. No external validation would equal reduced commitment to the process and it would have petered out pretty quickly.
External Validation is a tricky ‘ole thing. We all like to be seen, heard and validated. Humans are social creatures and it’s hardwired into our DNA. There is however a BALANCE to be struck so we are not OVER DEPENDENT on external validation to
a) maintain our sense of self worth and self esteem and
b) motivate us to action.
When external validation is our main fuel for our self-esteem we are open to unhealthy levels of self-consciousness and self-doubt. We are literally at the mercy of what other people notice (or not) and express to us (or not). That is a very tricky way to run our own mental health!!! We can be up one moment and down the next because its dependent on external feedback the extent and timing of which is outside our control.
We need to build our own sense of self, and tap into our own INTERNAL VALIDATION to
a) underpin our self-esteem and
b) motivate us to action.
Because INTERNAL VALIDATION comes from INSIDE US, we have control of it. It’s a much more stable force. We can validate our own worth and efforts. We build a greater trust with ourselves, and follow our own compass on the journey of what matters to us.
Internal validation is about us trusting and valuing ourselves, and THAT my friends, is the most powerful validation of all.
