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2020 Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Resilience

Anxiety Creeping In? 6 Quick Ways To Deal With It

When life gets frantic and we feel anxiety creeping in, it can paralyse us and make even the simplest decisions really hard.

We can procrastinate like crazy and that actually makes us feel more anxious!

We can feel this anxiety throughout our body, our shoulders get tense, our breathing shallow and we just want to get this thing SORTED RIGHT NOW GODDAMMIT!

Here are my top strategies for instant anxiety reduction for when you are feeling stressed out about making a decision:

 

  • Know you always have a choice. There is nothing you HAVE to do other than breathe, everything after that is a choice. They may be hard choices granted but you have choice nevertheless. I try to be grateful that I am living somewhere in the world where as a woman I have complete control and choice in my life, not everyone is so lucky.
  • Hit pause. Breathe. Stop and Breathe. Breath through your nose only, breathe right down to your belly for a count of 4, then out through the nose for a count of 4. Repeat for 6 full breaths and then refocus on the task at hand from a calmer place.
  • Is it a problem or a fact that’s making you anxious? If it’s a problem then there IS a solution, take your time, step back and Figure. It Out. If there is no solution, well, then it’s not a problem that you have, honey, it is a fact. So accept it, however tough it make be, and move on. Focus where you can make a difference not where you can’t.
  • Walk away.  If a solution isn’t readily presenting itself then walk away and engage in a right brain activity. Painting, exercise, baking.  Your subconcious will then have the space it needs to help you come up with an anxiety reducing solution. The time I need yoga or a run most is EXACTLY when I think I don’t have time for it. So be brave and go for the counterintuitive option and create the space you need to decompress and gain perspective back. When you reengage your left brain you will often find the solution has presented itself.
  • When anxiety strikes repeat the following mantra to yourself, as you breath in, and again as you breathe out. Nice and slow. 6 full breaths. “ I have everything I need, and all is well”. Now doesn’t that feel better?
  • Ask yourself “Will this thing matter 10 years from now?” The answer 99% of the time is “Hell No”, so choose not to sweat the small stuff.

 

Ahhhhhh….now doesn’t that feel better?

 

Categories
4 Dimensional Wellness Energy Boosters Love Your Work Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Summer time

5 smart tips to avoid the cray-cray Christmas Work CRUSH!

Now, there is a kiwi specific cultural phenomenon that happens for those in the workforce in December.

What happens is that every project you have ever touched or been associated with during the previous 11 months (and indeed some that you haven’t) suddenly has to ABSOLUTELY be finished by Christmas Eve, OR THE WORLD WILL END. End, I tell you.

All joking aside, it’s actually super stressful. Due to the fabulously extended January holidays we all enjoy this creates a real pressure cooker environment which can lead to a) massive overwhelm before Christmas b) utterly unrealistic expectations that can never be met c) not enough time for Chrimbo shopping or drinking egg nog with colleagues whilst wearing festive antlers.

Northern Hemisphere peeps will be back at work as usual on the 3rd of January, whilst most Kiwi’s will be drinking cold ones for another 4 weeks, so clearly – we win! No one would want to give up their January. BUT – can we reach it without descending into Xmas Madness?

Here are a few tips you can put into place today:

1. Get really clear, really really clear, that the working world will not in fact end at midday on the 24th December. Do not buy into the madness.

2. Set some expectations NOW. Get ahead of the game whether by a team meeting, or email or whatever. Set some expectations NOW on what you can deliver by when. Communicate with staff / customers / clients / suppliers / colleagues and so on expectation and timelines. Be confident and set your boundaries on what is realistic.

3. Beware the hospital pass. Veeeery common at this time of year is the colleague whistling in a project and making it your problem, when in fact they have sat on it procrastinating since June. Boundaries are required here, people. Don’t let your December get pulled into the madness because someone else has been fluffing about for the last 6 months. Use your “no” judiciously but firmly.

4. Accept some stuff will just not get done before Christmas. This is okay because a) the world will not end (see point 1), and b) it means you have a job to come back to.

5. Make time for some fun. The seriousness of the Xmas Madness can suck the joy out of a normally happy workplace as everyone feels so under the gun with this end of year deadline. Remember that this is the season of goodwill unto all men, and make sure you allow enough space for laughs and thank you’s and celebrations too.

We are still far enough away that you can do some really effective (read: ruthless!) scheduling and expectation management now.

Head off the Xmas Madness at the pass, don’t make it an inevitable part of your working December.

After all you’ve got eggnog and festive antlers to attend to.

Categories
Digital Detox Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

Why you DON’T need a Digital Detox …

I will improve my Digital Discernment

Digital Detoxes: they are all the rage, are they not?  Pretty much the answer to almost any ill.

Feeling anxious: have a digital detox!

Stressed out: digital detox!

Exhausted: definitely a digital detox.

Well, here’s the reason why I think we can do better than a Digital Detox:

A Detox is a short-term fix. By definition, it’s a snappy way to rid ourselves of toxins… before we inevitably go and do the exact same thing again. Basically  – we detox, we feel great, we make all sorts of good intention promises…then we retox. We are back snarfing the Pringles and the G & T’s a week later like the juice cleanse never happened (despite what we might have proclaimed about vegetables being life the minute it finished).

The principle works the same digitally as with a juice cleanse detox. You go offline for 3 – 5days. Feel really uncomfortable for the first day, twitchingly reaching for your phone by reflex, but by Day 3# you’ve not felt this relaxed in years! You are SO going to keep that up! Who needs a phone! A week later back on planet earth you are checking Facebook and Insta a dozen times a day as per. We detox. We bounce back. The pull to our phones is strong. It’s estimated that we check our phones between 120 and 200 times a day. A DAY. Yikes.

I prefer an on-going process of Digital Discernment over a Digital Detox any day. This is about curating your digital space in a way that improves your mood and physiology long term, reducing stress and comparisonitus. It’s about quality over quantity; gradually improving the quality of your digital life over time.

This might include things like:

  • Unfollowing a #thinspiration PT on Insta that although is supposed to be #likesuperinspirational actually always makes you feel bad about yourself.
  • Removing yourself from Facebook groups that don’t add value to your life but bore or annoy you.
  • Not responding to work emails out of hours. Period. If it’s that urgent THEY CAN CALL YOU. (I know. Old Skool).
  • Unfollowing that family member/friend/acquaintance who’s endless #humblebrag updates on their political views / their MLM business selling oil/face cream/shakes or their 900th cute dog/couple/baby pics makes you grit your teeth.
  • Reading the comments on anything to do with the NRA, MAFS, GDPR or anything else that drives you to distraction.

 

There has been much made recently  – and rightly so – of the way the data we have (wittingly or unwittingly) put out there digitally has been used to manipulate or sell to us. The temperature has suddenly been raised about the information we put out. What also deserves some focus is the information we are taking in.  Our digital diet has a bigger-than-you-think impact on your mood and your motivation.

Get as discerning with your digital space as you do your diet. Does it make you feel good or bad?  Is it nourishing your psyche or soul?

Curate your content with discernment. Look for quality and continue to refine it long term.

Categories
Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

Sleep Quality vs Quantity.

I will improve sleep quality (not just quantity).

Probably the most valuable currency of modern life is attention. The quality of attention that we bestow on another human being so they feel truly seen and heard is increasingly in short supply.

The second most valuable currency (okay, Top 5 for sure) would be sleep. Quality and quantity of sleep. It would be rare to meet anyone who wouldn’t give a big “Hell Yes” to the question, “Would you like 2-hours additional sleep a week?” or who is not carrying some sort of a sleep debt around beneath the artfully applied Touche Eclat.

Our bedtime is what sets us up for the quantity of sleep we are going to get – that’s just maths. You go to bed at x time; get up at y time; therefore possible maximum sleep is z hours. And that is what we all tend to focus on, the quantity of sleep. Trouble is, this is hard to move given how many responsibilities people are juggling.

The easier gains I am finding are to be had in the area of sleep quality. Here are a couple of tips for improving your sleep quality:

  1. Knock the booze on the head a few more nights of the week. I know, I know. Annoying, but I have to say I have been amazed at how well this works. I haven’t got the space here to go into all the ins and outs of it, but basically even a fairly small amount of alcohol disrupts your deep sleep / REM sleep quality in the second half of the night (we tend to drop off quicker, but the second half of sleep is more disrupted): hence feeling a bit slow and groggy in the morning. The “just one or two” glasses of wine / G & T’s DO make a difference. The clarity of waking up after consecutive booze-free days has blown away members of my Life Coaching Academy who have tried it as an experiment. This is not about cutting our parties and occasions, just the one or two small ones of an evening whilst cooking. Personally, I have found I am actually needing less quantity of sleep (about 45 mins less) as the quality of sleep is so much improved. If you want to improve sleep quality quickly, this is a remarkably easy fix.
  2. If you find it hard to drop off to sleep then improve your sleep quality by having a bath or a shower before bed. If you think about it we do this with babies and children as standard. The whole bath time routine that is the signal that it’s night time and to calm them down before hopefully a whole night’s unbroken sleep (it could happen, right?). That bath time effect works on adults too. A warm shower or bath before bed artificially raises your body temperature, which means it drops more quickly than usual when you slip between the sheets, telling your brain that it’s time to go to sleep now. It really works to improve your sleep quality. Try it and see how you feel in the morning.
  3. Final sleep tip for you is a quantity tip. Getting an extra hour’s sleep a night is hard for most adults: we are busy and there is stuff to do in the evenings, chores, social stuff, connecting with loved ones and so on. Going to bed a whole hour earlier when you might only get home from work or the gym at 8 pm is not an appealing thought and, frankly, it’s pretty hard to do (yep, we have experimented with that too)… but… going to bed just 15 minutes earlier? That’s easy. How do you do it? Where do you find the extra 15 minutes? You eliminate the “Faffing About Time”. The aimlessly checking Instagram for no reason in particular. The starting the new episode when you know you are not going to see it through to the end. The random tidying of stuff that doesn’t matter. The going up and down the stairs for different things rather than just cleaning your teeth and getting into bed. We all have 15 minutes of Faffing About Time we can cut out without feeling any pain. And, if you do that…. boom: you gain just under 2-hours of sleep a week. A hundred more sleep hours a year. The equivalent of 12 and a half extra full nights’ sleep a year! Just from cutting out your fifteen minutes of faff.

Twelve and a half extra nights sleep a year? You are welcome.

Categories
Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

I Will Claim My Power

There are few feelings more dispiriting that feeling trapped. When we feel we are in a situation where we have no choices it feels like the walls are closing in. We can feel paralysed and the third, less common, “f” comes into play: fight, flight and …freeze. When we feel like we have no choice what we will do is freeze.

Because we don’t have a great choice we want to make, we make no choice at all. So we stick. We feel stuck. We have all been there and feeling frozen and trapped is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Drawing on timeless wisdom that sometimes the only way out is through and that things might have to get worse before they get better (hey, things become cliché’s for a reason, no?!), I’d like to draw your attention to a quote that will muster your resolve if you are currently feeling trapped by circumstance:

Taken from the great American author and activist Alice Walker (she wrote The Colour Purple) it is, “The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any”, and I have to concur.

The nature of my work is that clients come to me when they feel frozen and stuck. Stuck in a career that’s too much of a gilded cage to leave. Stuck in a relationship that would break too many hearts to depart. Stuck in a country they don’t want to be in by legalities. Stuck in a lifestyle that is ruining their health. That feeling of being trapped is hard. When we feel we are out of choices we feel truly out of joy, momentum and the happiness tank rapidly drains to zero.

Thing is, it is a fundamental truth that the only thing we HAVE to do is breathe, so we actually DO always have a choice.

Hideous and hard choices may be but there are always choices. Choices you may not want to face but choices that will break the inertia that is creating the paralysing stuck-ness. The key is to force movement (however small) and start the process of unsticking. Lift the paralysis by moving from freeze into fight or flight. The movement inherent in both those choices will feel hard but liberating.

When we perceive we have no power in a situation we inevitably feel trapped. I have clients step back and treat it like a creative brainstorming exercise. Take away any expectation of action and just be creative.

If this was someone else’s issue, what possible options could they have? Brainstorm as many as you can. Options A through G, H and so on. Sell the house, make a huge loss. Get a bank loan that takes years to pay off. Hire a private detective. Put Dad in a hospice. Take a 3-month sabbatical. Ask Aunty Carol for a loan. Let them leave the country without you. Take a rental even though you have always owned your own place. Brainstorm the hideous options out. Take your power back by acknowledging that you DO have choices, you are never completely stuck, there are always options. List as many as you possibly can, no matter how hard or crazy or tangential.

Just the action of doing this will make you feel freer and more able to see the way forwards.

Gradually one option will start to feel less onerous than the rest, and a way forward will become clear where you can step back into your power. It was there the whole time, you just needed to step back and let the solution emerge from the knowledge that you do have choices.

We are only ever as trapped as we think we are.

Grab a white board marker, get brave and step back into your power.

Categories
Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

Perfectionism Alert!

I will be happily less than perfect

Nothing drives burnout like a healthy dose of perfectionism. Dialling back the tendency for perfectionism might just be the greatest decision you make for your wellbeing and stress levels.

Depending on our personality type, it can be hard not to react to the parade of perfect presented around us. So much media content (traditional and social) magnifies perfect that it can be viewed, not as inspirational and aspirational (and with a healthy pinch of salt), but as evidence that we are somehow not quite good enough.

That we just don’t have our shit together in a world where everyone else miraculously seems to. But… if we just push that little bit harder, get up that little bit earlier, keep things just that bit more organised and make a just a few more lists, we might just get there. Perfect hangs tantalisingly just out of our grasp like a carrot on a stick.

The thing is, perfect is a mirage.

Like the oasis in the desert, it’s not really there. It’s an unstable image that changes according to our perception and viewpoint.  Striving to reach that place of perfection is absolutely exhausting, and for every step nearer we take, it will get another step further away.

You can choose to dial down the perfectionism this year with a few simple decisions:

  1. Do something with – Shock! Horror! – 80% effort. Knowingly don’t do something to the best of your ability! Woot! Pick something that’s not that important and do it okay. Just get it done. And move on. Not everything has to be perfect. Pick something that is of moderate importance and just get it done, not perfect but done.
  2. Do something with – even more shock horror! – just 50% of your best. Whoa! Pick something that really doesn’t matter that much and just get it done any old how, and move on. Realise you don’t even think about it ever again and that time, energy and capacity is better invested elsewhere.
  3. Cut a corner. On purpose! Like, BUY A CAKE for the bring a plate thing. And just don’t sweat it. Stick it on a plate. Grab a drink. Move on. Some things just don’t matter that much, and applying the quest for perfect to them just makes us tired, not perfect.
  4. Delegate something. Know that it won’t be done to the same high standard that you do it yourself. Be okay with that. Done is better than perfect.
  5. Save perfect for when it REALLY counts, not as your default setting. The make or break presentation that’s going to win the new account. Measuring out the medicine to the exact dose required. Being on time for your brother’s wedding. Bust “Perfect” out of the bag when it really matters, not as a matter of course.

Trying to live up to perfect all the time is fantastically stress-inducing and an incredibly knackering way to live. Let in a little more rest, relaxation, and create space for spontaneity and happiness to run their magical ephemeral course. There is a lot more to life than doing it all right all the time and ticking everything off just so.

Real life surely is not an instagram highlight reel of perfect.

Cut yourself some slack, release the grip of perfect and know, for the vast majority of the time, progress is better than perfection, and done is far better than perfect.

Categories
Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy

Control the Controllable

Want to know how to stress out way less?  Of course, you do. Three words for you: control the controllable. Think right now about any area of life that’s currently causing worry or waking you up at night. Hold that in your mind and use that as your example to see where you can bring this technique to bear. Thought of something? Good. Let’s go.

I’m going to use a recent client work situation as an example. I’ll call this lovely chap Jonathan. Jonathan was stressed out because he had a change of line manager. He used to get on with his old manager like a house on fire, not so with the new one who had a really different style. He also felt another colleague was gossiping about him behind his back to the aforementioned new boss. His train of thought here was almost inevitable: “she doesn’t like me; she doesn’t rate my work; I’m sure this other woman is saying stuff behind my back which is making things worse; I feel really insecure suddenly; I wish she would brief me in a different way so I could do a better job”….and so on. His appraisal was looming.  He was worried. We drew up a plan of action.

“What do you want”, I asked? “What outcome are you after to make you feel happy and reduce your current stress level? What do you want from this meeting?” Jonathan was very clear:  “I want her to value me, I want her to respect me and my work, I want her and my colleague to stop talking about me, I would like her to say approving things about me and my work, and I want her to brief me better”.

Okay. They are all good and obvious things to want. The trouble is none of them are under your direct control.  Her valuing you: you can’t actually control that, those are her thoughts and emotions so they sit with her. You can influence but you cannot control it. Your colleague to stop talking about you to her? Well, you definitely can’t control that. Firstly you don’t know it’s happening for sure, it’s an assumption, and secondly, even if it is you can’t control what is said to whom by whom or what is taken from it. And thirdly, her saying approving things to you, you can’t control that either! It would be nice – granted – but you can’t make that happen. That’s up to the other person’s free will and personality and management style.

Essentially, all these very reasonably and desirable outcomes were completely out of his control. That’s a dangerous and stressful place to live. If your happiness rests solely on stuff you can’t control then you are at the mercy of whatever other people’s reactions or decisions are. That is inherently stressful.

We started to turn it around. What do you want that you can control? We came up with this list:  I want to feel like I have represented myself well in the meeting. I want to make a suggestion to improve the briefing process that will mean more clarity for me and more efficiency for her. I demonstrate my experience and capability with a view to building the relationship between us. Okay – well there you see – you are back in control of the outcomes. This meant preparing for the meeting in a very different way. It also meant showing up at the meeting with a very different energy. The energy of empowerment rather than victim. It meant showing up with a structured new briefing scale and worksheet to discuss and get feedback on. It meant showing up and having a brave conversation about how to give feedback in a way that worked. It meant turning up with a concise summary of previous projects and current status. It means stripping the emotional victim energy out and showing up with empowered, capable authoritative energy. It meant controlling the controllable. That’s’ what WE think, what WE feel, and what WE say and do. THAT my friends we are in control of. We are not (dammit!) in control of what other people think, feel, say and do. It’s a radical move to release the uncontrollable and to emphatically focus on controlling what is directly controllable by us.

It’s both a subtle shift and a significant one all at the same time. Jonathan messaged me after to say he had the most productive session he has ever had with his new boss, that the structured preparation he had done was welcomed and appreciated and the relationship was on a promising new footing.

That’s what happens when you shift your focus away from what you want the other person to think/feel/do/say, and position it firmly on what you can think/feel/do/say. Happens every time. If there is something keeping you up at night I can almost guarantee you are trying to reduce your stress by attempting to (or wishing you could) control what is not actually under your control. You think it’s under your control, but it isn’t, that’s what’s causing the stress. Flip your focus right now and control the controllable instead: put yourself back in the driving seat and feel your stress dissipate. Does it make the tricky situation disappear? No, it does not. This client still had to step up and have a really big and bold meeting, for which he had to muster his courage. However, the difference is you have a far greater chance of getting the outcome you want when you control what you do actually have jurisdiction over.

So that thing that’s waking you up in the night?

Figure out where you are trying to control the uncontrollable, realise that’s inherently stressful, and control the controllable instead.

Categories
Dream and Goals Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Love the Skin You're In Positive Thought Strategy Uncategorized

What were my top 5 blog posts of 2016?

Here is a round-up of my top 5 blog posts of 2016 – as voted by YOU! Did your favourite make the cut?

#5 Super Simple 3 Step Process To Make Sure You Have Your Best Year Yet

There are 3 steps to keep you aligned and on purpose this year. It’s easy, and it’s powerful. When you consciously bring yourself back to the themes you set for the year with each choice you make – your best year will unfold almost effortlessly.

#4 My instant mood booster trick

Want to know a magic trick where you can instantly change your mood and motivation just by changing one letter that you habitually use? Of course, you do. Who doesn’t want to feel more enthused and less resentful, to procrastinate less and do more?

#3 One simple tool for a stress-free day

Do you ever wake up and feel like you are behind before you have even started your day? Yep? All the time right?! Talk about setting ourselves up for a day of stress. If you are feeling behind before you even start your day – WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU WANT TO GET DONE WITH A TIME ESTIMATE NEXT TO IT, and then prioritise accordingly

#2 All about the money honey series

Undoubtedly, one of the biggest stressors that can keep us from enjoying a happy life is mmmmmoney. And money – as well as being about cold hard cash – is actually just as much about emotion and energy as the bank balance. We have an ongoing emotional response to money, so understanding our emotional money patterns is a supremely powerful way of resolving uncomfortable money situations and setting ourselves up to create a future that feels financially safe and abundant.

And #1 The number one question to ask when something doesn’t feel right

You know that feeling, that nagging feeling that something is a little…off. It might be the job. Or the relationship. Or a friendship. Or a family thing. But you have an underlying feeling of… unease.

We have all felt it from time to time. That “something’s not quite right here” feeling. That “I just can’t put my finger on it” feeling. Living with that feeling day after day can become debilitating. That nagging feeling that something is not as it should be.

Paying attention to that feeling is really important.

 

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Live Happy Inspiration

One More Instant Mood Booster To Transform Any Bad Hair Day

One More Instant Mood Booster To Transform Any Bad Hair Day http---ltnew.dev.webencore.net-one-more-instant-mood-boosterFollowing on from last week’s wellbeing blog here is one more suggestion to turn your day on a dime. Ready? Set. Go!

What’s PERFECT about this?

This is the ultimate mental switcheroo to get your day turned around. It‘s a killer question and it works in any situation no matter how sucky. The thing is – our brain is like GOOGLE – when you put in a question or a statement like “Oh god today is a nightmare!” it will come back with a load of reasons it’s a nightmare. A whole list of them. So you read one of those “I’m never going to have time to get all of this done” and then your brain googles THAT and comes back with a whole list of OTHER things you don’t have time for, like “I’m worried I’m going to let Sue down if ….” And then it comes up with ANOTHER load of ways you can let people down! See? Can you see why we all get so stressed? It’s because we keep unconsciously MENTALLY GOOGLING why we are so stressed.

Your brain is a big and awesome answer finding machine. It makes sense therefore to utilise this amazing ability by ENTERING A DIFFERENT QUESTION! By entering a completely different question you will get a stream of very different results that will take you to a whole different place.

The magic question is:

“What’s PERFECT about this?”

I know. Sometimes I can be so annoying! “But Louise, my kid has just peed on the floor, and I can’t find the dog to take to the vets – this is a BAD day!”

I know. I know. However…just try, just try asking “What’s PERFECT about this?”

“Grrrr…..well…NOTHING! God this is hard…okay…I’m trying…what’s perfect about this? Well…I have a tiled kitchen floor so at least that pee is easier to clean up there than on the carpet! So that’s perfect. And my vets are the nicest people. I’ll call them and say we are running late. This must happen to them all the time. That’s perfect, they will know what to suggest. I love my son, and I love the dog too so I guess it’s perfect that I’ve been here to care for them today when they needed me…” and so on.

See? One positive response then starts to prompt another one. It uses your awesome power of MENTAL GOOGLE in a deliberately positive direction so you start to spiral upwards. I am not saying it’s a not a challenge sometimes to think of something positive when the shit has well and truly hit the fan, but if you search really, really hard your MENTAL GOOGLE will eventually come back with a more uplifting answer.

You will be shocked by how quickly this can turn a train wreck day into a great day. Get your Mental Google working FOR you, not AGAINST you with the magic question.

Have a great day y’all!

Louise Thompson, wellbeing coach

Categories
Live Happy Inspiration

What To Do When It’s Hard To be The Bigger Person

Forgiveness is one of those ideals that I think many of us aspire to. We want to be the person who is “big enough” to let it go. To forgive. To move on. And with the little stuff that life throws at us, we can generally do that. Be the Bigger Person. Suck it up. Not make it a big deal. Get past it. Forgive. Move on.

But BIG things? The really big, black, bad things that someone has done to us? Well that’s a whole heap harder to get past. If someone has been an absolute sh*t to us then forgiving becomes very tough indeed. We can carry that weight of unforgiveness around in our hearts for a VERY long time. Why? Because if we forgive, it somehow makes their behaviour or choices okay. We might in some way be endorsing what occurred, and we sure as hell don’t want to do that! We don’t want the wrong to become a right. Wrong is wrong. So, we don’t forgive. We resist and resist. And we carry that weight of resistance around with us.

That weight in our hearts can get heavy and tiring. And it can block us from good stuff coming in. It can make us too scared to speak up or love again or make that bold choice. It becomes an anchor dragging behind us even though the sh*tty experience that created it is long gone.

And yet, we know somewhere, deep down, that if we could forgive and release the experience it would be better for us. Lighter. Freer.

But how do we forgive, or even consider it, when they are so wrong, wrong, wrong? How do we forgive when we are IN THE RIGHT, godammit?!

Here’s the thing.

There’s continuing to fight The Corner Of Rightness v’s forgiving and releasing the experience.

Look at continuing to fight the Corner Of Rightness. What benefit does it get us? Well, it keeps us feeling right. And on the moral high ground. It’s nice up there. It feels kinda good. However. It keeps us STUCK. It keeps us stuck in the sh*tty experience of The Thing that we can’t forgive. Which doesn’t serve us at all.

What does forgiving do? Forgiving drops us from fighting The Corner Of Rightness so hard all the time. Why is that important? Because fighting The Corner Of Rightness ultimately becomes a pointless activity that doesn’t change the other person’s behaviour – it just entrenches us in justifiable miserableness. So it just makes us stuck. Yes, you have every right to be upset/furious/betrayed/utterly miserable by that experience – but at the end of the day – you are still miserable.

So what’s the alternative? I forgive? I drop trying to force rightness. I just drop that completely. And you know what…that doesn’t make him/her any less wrong. He still has to carry that burden of wrongness. The wrongness doesn’t just evaporate. It’s still out there.

It’s about knowing I don’t need to be constantly banging the drum of rightness to make someone else wrong. If they are wrong, they are wrong. If they are a liar, they are a liar. If they are a thief, they are a thief. I don’t have to keep asserting they are. If that dog is black, I don’t have to keep pointing out the blackness of the dog, or indeed the dog at all. The dog is just out there, being black. It’s nothing to do with me, that blackness belongs to the dog, not me.

So – I stop. I stop banging The Drum Of Rightness. I don’t need to be banging it the whole time to make someone else wrong. If they are wrong, they are wrong. That’s enough: I can withdraw my energy from that situation.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person’s wrongness. It is not something you give to them to make their wrong okay or right. It is something you give to yourself. It’s the removal of banging the Drum Of Rightness of justifiable misery so you no longer have to be miserable about it. It doesn’t make them right. It just means you can change your focus to banging the drum of rightness in your own life – focus on what you have, and want to have, that feels right and good, and energising fun, clean and fresh. Forgiving is about focusing on what’s going right with you, independent of someone else’s wrongness. It’s letting the wrongness just fade out there into the atmosphere, and bringing your attention to creating the life of a Bigger Person with a Bigger Life.

Is there something in your life you need to forgive and be that bigger person?

 

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Thank you so much for stopping by!  I’m Louise Thompson: life coach, author and newspaper columnist – and I hope my words have lifted your day or given you something to ponder.

 

I’d love to send you Wellbeing Wednesday – my weekly newsletter with a fresh new blog stuffed with non-preachy wellbeing to get you inspired each week. My readers tell me I have a spooky knack of knowing just what’s going on for them and it’s like I read their mind! You can join my 20 000 readers and sign up right here and I will see you on Wednesday! 

 

If you are ready to have me in your life as your coach, well I’d love that too. You can jump into my daily coaching Academy right here and we can get started – it’s my proudest life’s work and it changes lives, minds and hearts daily.  If you are looking for more ease in your mind and your soul: I’ve got you. Have a sneak peek of what’s in store for you here. 

 

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