Category: Post Lockdown

Is someone being mean to you? I won’t have that!

Post author By Support Elf
Post date October 20, 2020
No Comments on Is someone being mean to you? I won’t have that!

Why does this person keep upsetting me?

Does someone in your life keep upsetting you? It happens to the best of us, and I am afraid to say that experiencing pain and hurt is part of the human experience for us all. However – there are things we can do – and I believe that starts with us asking ourselves the right question.

It could be a friend who repeatedly cancels your plans.
A colleague who doesn’t pull their weight.
A partner who repeatedly talks over you.
A family member who cuts you down time and time again.

It can become a repetitive pattern of hurt in the fabric of your life.

And what are we likely to do? We keep questioning “Why does that person keep hurting me?” They can see it hurts me, why do they keep doing or saying that thing? Can’t they see how much it is hurting me? We wonder “How can they do or say that thing?” We turn these questions over and over in our minds.

And nothing changes. We keep feeling hurt and we wonder why they continue to do it.

Here’s the thing. We are asking ourselves the wrong question. The question isn’t “Why does that person keep hurting me?” The real question is “Why do I keep letting them?”

When we change the question and bring the power back to ourselves by directing it at ourselves, “I”, not the hurtful person in question, we can start getting some answers that will actually help.

“Why do I keep letting them hurt me?” leads to self-awareness. It could be “Because I don’t tell her it offends me when she cancels “ to “I take on the extra work because I am too scared to confront the issue” to “I’m scared she will leave me if I speak up” to “He’s always talked down to me, since I was a child, and we’ve never reset the boundaries of our communication now I am an adult because I am too scared to rock the boat”.

The reason we keep letting people hurt us is usually fear. Fear that we can’t handle the reaction of the other person if we speak our minds. Fear that they won’t approve or agree.

Fear that we simply can’t handle confrontation.

Fear that we won’t be seen as a “good” or accommodating person.

So, to avoid that fear we keep letting them hurt us.

But…it can be another way. We can act from self-love and respect, not fear. We can choose to not allow ourselves to be hurt on an ongoing basis. We can choose to speak up and cope with whatever the reaction is. We can choose to distance ourselves from that person or relationship for a time. We can choose to place our thoughts elsewhere rather than dwell on why the person that hurt us should be different. We can take our time, our energy, and our focus and place it where it doesn’t hurt.

Taking our emphasis from how we want the other person to change in thought, word, or deed to what we can change in ourselves reduces suffering and pain. It’s the fastest route to stop feeling upset. When someone keeps upsetting you – start by asking the right question.

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In this article I am talking about emotional hurt: if someone is physically hurting you please get immediate help from the police or a domestic abuse organisation in your area/country. Lx

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Tags emotional honesty, post lockdown, Relationships, self care

2020 Happiness High Energy Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Post Lockdown

Dance In Your Own Space

Remember “Dirty Dancing?” The late Patrick Swayze in his prime. The kooky Jennifer Grey (whatever happened to her?) in the most archetypal 80’s movie of froth and fun and burning romance. Oh, the sweet agony of love!

Well, you know the scene where he is teaching her to dance? There is a bit where she keeps stepping on him, not holding her arms rigid to create the space between them. “Look, spaghetti arms” he says, marking it out with his arms. “This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine. You gotta hold the frame”. By being aware of that space between them and honouring it in the way they moved, they both performed so much better. Then, later… the long-awaited moment with the clinch, the tension unbearable, he moves in to kiss her…”You’re invading my dance space. This is my dance space” she retorts coquetishly “That’s yours. Let’s cha-cha”.

Here’s the thing about smart busy people who have no energy. They are doing a heap of stuff for other people.

Maddy, the extra young grandmother who was doing the parenting for her daughter’s daughter. Harriet who was making 3 meals a day, 7 days a week for her entirely grown-up family of self-sufficient men. Sarah who was breadwinning and working herself literally to the bone to support her entirely capable husband and brother. I see it again, and again and again. Belinda who ran herself ragged doing everything for “the business” from the marketing and comms to fixing the printer at any hours or the day or night. Whatever it took.

Understand this.

If you take more responsibility that is actually reasonable, and you make that your role, then eventually everyone around you will expect that. Let’s be honest, if someone was happy to get up and feed your child in the middle of the night and you could sleep through, or make and clear up all your meals, or pay your rent, or do all your work so you don’t have to pay to hire someone else…well…that great isn’t it!? They must love doing that shit, if they keep doing it. That’s the obvious assumption to make.

Basically what has happened is you have stepped into someone else’s dance space, scooped up their responsibilities, and in a completely non-manipulative way (usually) that suits the other party just fine too. They think you LIKE doing all that stuff!!! So they step away. So you keep doing it. So the more you do. And the more tired you get.

This may or may not be accompanied by moaning. “I have to get to the supermarket, if I asked Bob to do it it would never happen”, or “If I don’t pick up that project it just won’t get done and the business will suffer”. Well sure, honey. But – hear this – the status quo is never going to change if there is no consequences for the other party. If there is no pain point to get attention for someone to step up and own their own dance space they ain’t gonna just spontaneously do it.

The fascinating thing is that when YOU change up the status quo, provide the pain point or consequences, in a consistently delivered way then things change faster than you can ever believe. My clients are blown away by how quickly the people in their lives will step up into the void in their dance space if they themselves leave it.

So, make the change Spaghetti Arms. Get real, where are you actually stepping past the boundary of your own dance space into someone else’s? Start by step back, but in a smart transitioned way like Harriet did with her houseful of grown men for whom she was doing all the washing and cooking. She calmly explained why the change needed to happen and exactly what each person would be responsible for, She trained them on the new menu. She ordered the groceries so it would be easy and smooth and a good experience for everyone as they got started. She praised their efforts even when things were a little burned to start with. She didn’t expect perfection straight away (of course they are not going to do it exactly like you, but you know what, if you want more energy then you need to accept that some things will be done other people’s way, and that’s just fine). Guide them, then step back from their dance space and leave that space for them to step into. If you are permanently blocking it they will never step up or in.

YOU need to create the space. Now. Let’s Cha-Cha.

You can get the full series of questions and actions steps from this chapter in my (excellent and super helpful, if I say so myself!) book High Energy Happiness.

You can order a signed copy of my book High Energy Happiness here and I will get it sent straight out to you. Enjoy!

Tags 2020, achievement, challenging beliefs, Relationships

2020 Energy Boosters Happiness Live Happy Inspiration Positive Thought Strategy Post Lockdown Reduce Stress Simplicity and Time Management

Tame That To Do List

Habits Of Happiness – Expectation Management

Here is an interesting phenomenon. In my experience, people tend to seriously OVER estimate what can be achieved in the short term, and UNDER estimate what can be achieved in the long term.

For example, if you are anything like me you start the day with a To-Do list thinking, yep, I can crack through at least 8 of those things today! Bring it on! I have a vision of crossing things off in a frenzy of activity, getting to the end of the day with a list satisfyingly scored with black lines detailing what has been accomplished. But yet, in reality, I will have a super busy day, and yet only 2 things get crossed off. Some days not even that!

I was bemoaning this fact to my partner. He asked “How was your day”, and I responded “Good, but… I didn’t get done everything I wanted to get done”. “You ALWAYS say that!!!!” he said. “Always”. Irritatingly when I thought about it he was absolutely right. Almost every single day I would be beating myself up about the things I had NOT done. Rather than celebrating the progress on the things I HAD accomplished. I had fallen straight into the trap of overestimating what can be achieved in the short term, and it was sucking a bit of joy out of each (actually pretty damn productive!) day.

When we routinely overestimate what we can achieve in the short term it can create a whole heap of stress and overwhelm. By overestimating just how much can be done in a day we end up beating ourselves up for not being efficient enough. Organised enough. Quick enough. Good enough. It’s actually a pretty tiring pattern.

It’s a good observation, and I know I am not alone. My smart, high achieving, professional clients are usually in the same boat. It’s a good exercise to do a little expectation management on ourselves to reduce stress.

Interestingly this phenomenon seems to go hand in hand with underestimating what we can accomplish in the long term.

We can get so caught up in the frenzy of everyday life that we fail to put our head above the parapet long enough to set some real stretch goals for ourselves, big dreams that can be realised if we plan them properly with a 12-month time frame. Because we are so busy it’s easy to dismiss those dreams as just dreams, or too big to be reached so why bother. Whereas if we put our minds to it and break it down into the tiny steps we discussed last week, that big dream can become a big goal with a deadline that we can actually accomplish if we consciously choose it.

The secret to achieving more of the big stuff and reducing stress with the small stuff is to practice expectation management. Expect a little less of yourself daily, but a little more of yourself long term. It’s a subtle but effective shift in perception that can make a big difference.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

What DID I accomplish today? (not what did I NOT do!)
What are the three things I will accomplish this week come hell or high water? What are my real priorities this week?
What are three small things I can do this week that will step me towards my long term goals?

Action Step:

Cut yourself a little slack today, know you won’t get everything done on your list that you want to get done, BUT commit to putting into place at least one big, energising blow-your-mind dream that you can steadily move towards over the next 12 months.

You will surprised how much you can reduce the stress today, and increase the accomplishment in tomorrow.

Tags 2020, achievement, flexible thinking, priorities, Reduce Stress, time limited

2020 Emotional Honesty Live Happy Inspiration Post Lockdown Reduce Stress Time Management

I Can’t Find The Time!

Finding Time

My gorgeous client who I will call Maggie, busy lady, juggling work and home and all that good stuff. No different to you or me. As is really common she is struggling to find time to eat healthily and get in some exercise consistently.

“I was going to do it Wednesday but I couldn’t find time”

“I just haven’t been able to find the time to get to class.”

“I just have to find time to do that. I’ll find time next week”.

Yeah yeah yeah. I have heard that before!

Here’s the thing.

Time is not something you find down the back of the sofa. Time is not something you can rummage for at the bottom of your purse.

Time cannot be found. It also cannot be made. It’s not something you whip up in the kitchen like a batch of cupcakes.

Time is just time. We all have exactly the same. 24 hours in a day. No more no less. No matter how complicated or full of responsibilities our lives may be you get exactly the same allocation.

All you can do with time is prioritise it.

You prioritise time. That’s what you do with time.

Think about money. If you want a really healthy pension or good medical insurance or enjoy having a nice house or whatever, what do you do? You prioritise that payment, on direct debit so it goes out on payday each month. If good retirement or medical cover is important to you, you prioritise that money. The mortgage or the insurance gets paid first no matter what. Then you figure out what choices you are going to make that month with the money that’s left. Beans on toast. Island holiday. New shoes. No new shoes. Whatever. The point is you have prioritised what you have deemed most important first. It’s a non-negotiable, and after a while it’s automatic. You don’t even think about it. That money is allocated first because it’s a priority. You don’t try and find the money for it at the end of the month when you have been on trips to the zoo and eaten out and been to the supermarket. You don’t look down the back of the sofa for mortgage money.

Prioritsing time for your wellbeing is the same. If its what you want, what you genuinely want, then genuinely prioritise the time for it. Make it a non-negiotiable in the diary and choose to not do something else. Be okay with that choice. It’s your time. It’s your choice to make about what you prioritise.

Stop looking for time. Stop trying to find it. It’s not hiding!

The truth is you already have it.

Tags 2020, Busyness, flexible thinking, Life work balance, time limited

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