Every girl loves it when she gets brought flowers. I especially love it when a client brings me “Yahoo! I’ve just resigned my soul sucking job!” flowers. What I particularly love is working with a client to get to a place of resigning from a perspective of inclusion not exclusion before they bite the bullet. I believe that’s the most powerful place to make transition that truly creates a new kind of life that’s fuelled by passion not obligation. So – what do we mean by inclusion versus exclusion?
What this entails is taking the decision NOT just from what you want to EXCLUDE from your life. I know and I get it: the tedious job that you are SO OVER. The politics. The commute. The stupid reports that mean nothing and no one reads but take forever to compile. Making a list of what sucks and we want to exclude is beyond easy.
Let me be clear – getting clarity on what you want to exclude from life is GOOD. It’s definitely good, but it’s only HALF the story. What we need even more than that is what we want to actively INCLUDE. And here is where people can get very hazy indeed. We are SO focused on what we can’t stand that we make decisions or try and motivate ourselves to change just from a place of exclusion. As that’s what’s right in front of us each day, that’s a much easier focus than something in a future that is only imaginary.
So, we quit the job from a place of exclusion. And we experience momentary heady exhilaration and elation from taking that decision which does serve us. I’m outta there! Yeah! The things is, because we have taken it from a place of exclusion not inclusion, pretty hot on the heels of the exhilaration and exultation will be a feeling of anxiety and fear of the future. And quite often a return to a really similar situation in a “same shit, different day” kind of way.
Where we do better is to take the time to really dig down and find out what we truly want to INCLUDE in our lives. What do we want to FEEL more of? Who do we want to BE? This allows us to take our decision from a place of LOVE not FEAR. It’s very different to say “I quit my soul sucking job because I couldn’t take it one more day” than “I am so excited about retraining as an interior designer/social media expert/photographer that I quit my soul sucking job”. It’s about being pulled forwards towards the things you love, much more than it is about escaping the things you hate. And if my experience with hundreds of clients is anything to go by, those are the most successful transitions – they come from a place of need to include more of what makes their soul sing, accompanied the natural and gradual exclusion of what is soul sucking. The exclusion becomes a natural by-product of inclusion; the bad stuff gets crowded out by the good. Those are the changes that are filled with the most grace, power and stickability because they are pulled forward by love not driven out by hate.
Same with the old “Fat Picture” on the fridge thing. I get it, that’s what we want to exclude, “Fat Me”. But, it’s far, far more effective to put up pictures of what we want to move towards – “Thin Me”. Pix of us at our best (the classic “I wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat!” image) or pictures of an achievable body role model who we aspire to – who is both age and body shape appropriate. It’s so much more effective to train the subconscious to move effortlessly towards that which we desire, than to keep beating it with a stick to avoid that which we despise.
Effective change is motivated far more by moving towards LOVE than continual punishing by FEAR. Why? Because it’s naturally LESS SCARY. The love and the excitement neutralises a lot of the risk aversion or analysis paralysis.
If you are struggling to make a change consider the following:
What do you want to move TOWARDS, not just what do you want to back away from.
What do you want to FOCUS on, to ATTRACT, not just what do you want to ESCAPE.
What do you want to INCLUDE in that area of life, not just what do you want to EXCLUDE.
Resign from love not from fear.
Get fit and healthy from inclusion not exclusion.
Make change from what you want and what you relish, not just what you want to escape.