Categories
Positive Thought Strategy Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love

Magic Words for Grown-Ups

Want to transform your work or home life with just four little words? Well, it’s easy…just Say What You Mean. Be aware of what you need, what works for you and what doesn’t and actually voice it. Say. What. You. Mean. So simple yet so many of us struggle with it and hope someone will read our mind.

It’s a key concept to master. Had I thought it through at the time it would have saved me from wasting an hour and a half of my life that will never return watching the movie ‘The Book Of Eli’ (have you seen it? Don’t. It’s truly terrible. Why Denzel, why?) and chosen something I really wanted to see. Why didn’t I do that? Because I had forgotten this simple principle that makes life a whole lot easier and more fun.

It sounds almost too simplistic to be true but so many people have issues with this concept. I know: I’ve been there myself, and I help clients with it every day. It’s very easy to get trapped in a weird kind of socially acceptable Double Think where our own needs are always at the end of the To Do list after everyone else has had their desires taken care of. If we are constantly at the end of our own To Do list we feel resentful and tired. We can also get expert in passively aggressively expressing that resentment which isn’t good for anyone.

Moving ourselves up our own To Do list can be breaking the habit of a lifetime. The main reasons I see clients avoiding doing this is because of the following misconceptions:

  1. My needs are less important than my children/spouse/boss/cat
  2. He/She should be able to know what I need/would make me happy
  3. If I say what I mean there will be conflict and it will be horrible

What this boils down to is:

  1. Completely illogically thinking that other people’s needs are more important than our own. How can that be? It makes no sense. Our needs are equally as important as any another human being.
  2. Expecting our spouse, friends and colleagues to be mind readers: which of course they are not. A sure fire recipe for disappointment.
  3. Assuming that there will be conflict if we voice our needs. Actually in reality generally other people welcome the clarity and direction.

If you could do with a little more in your life that really pleases you try working through 4 easy steps:

Say: this is key…you need to actually voice it. Yes, that’s out loud. Take responsibility for your needs and voice what’s on your mind. You don’t need to be aggressive, just calmly state what’s important to you. Stop expecting everyone else to be a mind reader.

What: be specific. How can anyone really help or support you if they don’t understand exactly what it is that will make you happy? Instead of something vague ‘ I’d like it if I could choose a movie I liked for once’ be specific ‘I’d like to choose the movie on Saturday night this week’.

You: this is often the biggest stumbling block. After so many years of putting the needs of your spouse, children or workplace before your own it can be hard to actually tune into the fact that a) you have a need/preference yourself and b) it matters. Remember: your needs are equally as important as anyone else’s.

Mean: you don’t need to be mean but you do need to mean it! Let go of the false assumption that Saying What You Mean will always lead to conflict. You will be surprised how little it does. As you get more of what you want in your life you will find that you resent less of the things that don’t go your way or that you compromise on.

So, start small…speak up with the accounts department and say when you would like the report and that you think that’s a reasonable request; choose the restaurant that you really want to go to; take turns to pick the movie; say no to the party you just really don’t want to attend. I challenge my clients to Say What They Mean once a day as they start to break the habit of constantly deferring their own needs. It’s a fascinating process…the first few times they SWYM with utter trepidation waiting for the sky to fall. Then, the sky doesn’t fall, but spooky, they actually start getting What They Asked For most of the time! They find people like to please them for a change, and before you know it they are accelerating way past the once a day challenge without prompting. Why? Because life becomes easier, more fun, less resentful, when we own what we need to make us happy. They have more energy. Their spouses are happier because they can stop the guessing game of ‘what will keep her happy’. Life becomes a whole lot easier all round.

Will you get what you want every time? Absolutely Not. (Not unless you are Paris Hilton). But sure as hell will get it a lot more that you do when you don’t Say What You Mean. Start embracing these four simple little words and the balance of life will start to shift in your favour immediately.

Louise Thompson | Life Coach, Writer, Speaker

Categories
Live Happy Inspiration Reduce Stress Self Care and Self Love Sick & Tired of feeling Sick & Tired Simplicity and Time Management

Wasted Time or Play Time?

There is a common complaint that I notice with many of my coaching clients, especially those who are tired (or suffering from Adrenal Fatigue / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) or working through Life/Work Balance issues. They have a real thing about any kind of down time being ‘wasted time’. It’s a concept that comes up again and again. And I think it’s a new and growing phenomenon that’s leading to a whole heap of stress. I must confess to being susceptible to this Cult Of Productivity myself: I notice it when I am stuck in traffic, or when the computer isn’t working as perfectly as I would like it to, or ordering something is taking longer than I thought it would. This stressful thought keeps rearing its ugly head: ‘this is such a waste of time’, usually accompanied by its good friend ‘this should be quicker/easier/more efficient’.

These thoughts lead directly to a place of stress. Bad for the head, bad for the body.

It’s occurred to me that I didn’t use to feel this way. When I was younger I didn’t put this pressure on myself for every thing to have an outcome. Just enjoying or doing something for its own sake was enough. At school and university my friends and I elevated wasting time to an art form in its own right! And those are the bits I look back on with the most fondness. The endless games of cards and pissing about (car surfing anyone?!) And yet I, and so many of my clients, seem to now feel so uncomfortable with even the most limited moments of unproductivity.  What is that about?

As the world has become increasingly immediate and increasingly measureable I think it’s encouraged us to lead our lives in the same way. An expectation that all time and every effort invested should show some sort of meaningful outcome. But, should it?

I think the stress that the concept of ‘wasted time’ generates is due to a perception that time is inherently limited. That leads to a perception that all time needs to count with an outcome. Which generates stress. Is the point of time well spent to get things accomplished, or is it to have fun and experience the maximum amount of joy? As adults in this increasingly technologically enabled, measurable and immediate world I think we have lost the ability to play. Or to see play as an important part of what makes life fun and ourselves happy.

Look at how children play. When children play its as a means to an end in itself, because they see time as unlimited and therefore no outcome is required. So how can it possibly be wasted if it’s unlimited?

I think there is a lot we can learn from that attitude. This is what I have learned around the concept of ‘wasted time’:

  1. Just because it produces some sort of outcome doesn’t mean that it’s important.
  2. Just because its quantifiable doesn’t mean I should do it
  3. If the only joy in the doing is the crossing off on the list when it’s done then I should consider not doing it or getting someone else to do it for me
  4. Some of the best most fun and memorable time in my life had no definable outcome.
  5.  Unproductive time is a fact of life. We are not built to be ON all the time.
  6. Unproductive time is thinking and daydreaming and processing time. That is productive in itself.
  7. Play and fun are important.
  8. Resting and chilling ARE an activity in their own right. The outcome is being chilled. That’s something the body requires for health. It’s really important time.
  9. Enjoyment is just as valid a goal as achievement.
  10. I need to play more.

So I am challenging myself to reconnect with play for the sake of itself: I have joined a mosaic class one morning a week. I am really enjoying it; there is something very satisfying about fitting all the tiny chards of ceramic together for no reason at all other than the simple pleasure of doing it. It’s a bit fiddly and a bit messy. I like that, and the quiet companionship of the other women in the class. Sometimes I feel guilty about all the work I ‘should’ be doing and that it’s ‘wasted time’ then I remember, I’m a life coach, I teach people about life/work balance…this is me Living It to Give It and I relax and focus on the little fiddly tiles again and the couple of hours simply flies by! It’s been good for the mind and the soul.

If you find yourself running mental loops about wasting time it’s my bet that you could do with reintroducing a bit of play to your life too. Try using the time stuck at the grocery checkout and in traffic to daydream about your next holiday or the best one you ever had. It won’t wake the queue go faster but it will make it a more pleasant and positive experience. Think back to something you loved to do as a child to play (baking, playing footie, making things, etc) and try and introduce a related aspect of PLAY into your week with no aspect of outcome attached. Play for it’s own sake, and see that if we are in the moment and enjoying ourselves then no time is ever really wasted.

Louise Thompson | Life Coach, Writer, Speaker

Categories
Uncategorized

Wasted Time or Play Time?

There is a common complaint that I notice with many of my coaching clients, especially those who are tired  or working through Life/Work Balance issues. They have a real thing about any kind of down time being ‘wasted time’. It’s a concept that comes up again and again. And I think it’s a new and growing phenomenon that’s leading to a whole heap of stress. I must confess to being susceptible to this Cult Of Productivity myself: I notice it when I am stuck in traffic, or when the computer isn’t working as perfectly as I would like it to, or ordering something is taking longer than I thought it would. This stressful thought keeps rearing its ugly head: ‘this is such a waste of time’, usually accompanied by it’s good friend ‘this should be quicker/easier/more efficient’.

These thoughts lead directly to a place of stress. Bad for the head, bad for the body.

It’s occurred to me that I didn’t use to feel this way. When I was younger I didn’t put this pressure on myself for every thing to have an outcome. Just enjoying or doing something for its own sake was enough. At school and university my friends and I elevated wasting time to an art form in its own right! And those are the bits I look back on with the most fondness. The endless games of cards and pissing about (car surfing anyone?!) And yet I, and so many of my clients, seem to now feel so uncomfortable with even the most limited moments of unproductivity.  What is that about?

As the world has become increasingly immediate and increasingly measureable I think it’s encouraged us to lead our lives in the same way. An expectation that all time and every effort invested should show some sort of meaningful outcome. But, should it?

I think the stress that the concept of ‘wasted time’ generates is due to a perception that time is inherently limited. That leads to a perception that all time needs to count with an outcome. Which generates stress. Is the point of time well spent to get things accomplished, or is it to have fun and experience the maximum amount of joy? As adults in this increasingly technologically enabled, measurable and immediate world I think we have lost the ability to play. Or to see play as an important part of what makes life fun and ourselves happy.

Look at how children play. When children play its as a means to an end in itself, because they see time as unlimited and therefore no outcome is required. So how can it possibly be wasted if it’s unlimited?

I think there is a lot we can learn from that attitude. This is what I have learned around the concept of ‘wasted time’:

1.     Just because it produces some sort of outcome doesn’t mean that it’s important.

2.     Just because its quantifiable doesn’t mean I should do it

3.     If the only joy in the doing is the crossing off on the list when it’s done then I should consider not doing it or getting someone else to do it for me

4.     Some of the best most fun and memorable time in my life had no definable outcome.

5.     Unproductive time is a fact of life. We are not built to be ON all the time.

6.     Unproductive time is thinking and daydreaming and processing time. That is productive in itself.

7.     Play and fun are important.

8.     Resting and chilling ARE an activity in their own right. The outcome is being chilled. That’s something the body requires for health. It’s really important time.

9.     Enjoyment is just as valid a goal as an achievement.

10. I need to play more.

So I am challenging myself to reconnect with play for the sake of itself: I have joined a mosaic class one morning a week. I am really enjoying it; there is something very satisfying about fitting all the tiny chards of ceramic together for no reason at all other than the simple pleasure of doing it. It’s a bit fiddly and a bit messy. I like that, and the quiet companionship of the other women in the class. Sometimes I feel guilty about all the work I ‘should’ be doing and that it’s ‘wasted time’ then I remember, I’m a life coach, I teach people about life/work balance…this is me Living It To Give It and I relax and focus on the little fiddly tiles again and the couple of hours simply flies by! It’s been good for the mind and the soul.

If you find yourself running mental loops about wasting time it’s my bet that you could do with reintroducing a bit of play to your life too. Try using the time stuck at the grocery checkout and in traffic to daydream about your next holiday or the best one you ever had. It won’t wake the queue go faster but it will make it a more pleasant and positive experience. Think back to something you loved to do as a child to play (baking, playing footie, making things, etc) and try and introduce a related aspect of PLAY into your week with no aspect of outcome attached. Play for it’s own sake, and see that if we are in the moment and enjoying ourselves then no time is ever really wasted.

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